Almost hitting a pole, and being a little passive aggressive.

So...the Lord loves me. I came within literally one inch of hitting a telephone pole with my car tonight. I hit an ice patch and there was no steering left. Luckily I was able to slow down so I was pretty sure if anyone got hurt it would only be one person.

Not that I wanted that one person to get hurt. Especially since she was sick. It all depended on how sensitive my air bags are. I don't know how sensitive they are and I don't care to find out. But if they air bags went off they would have gone off on Becca.

Thankfully, we didn't have to find out how sensitive my air bags are. My car managed to come to a stop literally an inch or less from the pole. It shook me up decently. I've still never really learned how to get out of skids. So i just pray a lot. so grateful my parents got me new tires over Thanksgiving break.

Also, I survived dead week. It took a weekend of nothing to survive, but I managed. I also have a pet peeve lately. People in my life (and the men are the worst culprits) have been cutting off their nose despite there face. This is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time.

I know that I was a huge culprit of this when I was younger. but that right there is the key word. YOUNGER!! I wish people would grow up. Sometimes, people cut you off. But guess what? Sometimes YOU cut people off. So grow up and finish your sentence.

Also, games are just that. GAMES! there is no need to be a sore loser. It's okay to be a little disappointed when you don't win. but really, it's a game. this is why i don't play very many games anymore. I'll play ones where there are really winners or losers. but I am so sick of people getting angry over a stupid game.

This all comes from how much I hate anger and contention. I HATE IT!!!!! People don't realize how sensitive I am to it. I am very quick to anger, I have worked very hard to learn how to contain it. But it can come out very easily and there are a few things that will make it come out faster than a lot of others.

There are a couple reasons you don't want my anger to come out. One, I get mean. People really don't think I'm capable of being mean. But when I get angry I turn into a jerk. I know how to say things that will cut you to the core. I will say things that are below the belt. I will call you out on anything I can come up with. I will start fighting, just to fight. Just to feel like I'm in control, to maintain a sense of dominance.

I don't like when I get like this.

Another reason, I don't just stop being angry. I will be angry for at least the rest of the day, and likely into the next day. I don't hold grudges, but I will hold anger. I know it seems like those two go hand in hand, but you would be surprised how easily I can separate them. But I will carry a bad attitude and I can hold onto for a long time, making it even easier than usual to set me off.

I don't like when I get like this. Want to know some of the things that set me off? Cutting off your nose despite your face. See, that immediately brings contention. And maybe you can drop it in a heartbeat. But I don't. And I am very susceptible to negative feelings, sadly, those are the ones that resonate. Contrary to popular belief, I work for positive emotions to be the main ones in my life. I work very hard at that. So when you start bringing in unneeded contention, it's going to annoy me because it was contention that didn't need to be there.

Thats another thing. UNNEEDED! I hate feeling like I am getting yelled at or scolded when I have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Me not liking something, such as ranch dressing IS NOT WRONG! Me not liking to be the center of attention IS NOT WRONG!! I don't like feeling attacked. I know I should be more honest with people about this but the moment I'm getting angry I start shutting down and shutting people out.

And then I don't want to bring it up later because I don't want to bring contention back because I hate how long it stays with me.

Contrary to what a lot of people may think, I do not wear myself on my sleeve. I may have let a few people see a little bit more lately, but I keep A LOT inside. And I don't think everyone needs to know everything about me. It's my business.

I really do have wonderful people in my life. But I got set off, and now I'm trying to keep it at the annoyance level. (I can get rid of that one easier)

Anyway, that is me being passive aggressive. I should really work on it. But right now is not the time or place. But have a wonderful evening everyone.

short up date

9 exercises down. 7 quizzes and a notebook by midnight. revise one paper. type a short creative writing assignment. finish unit plan. I got this.

CHELSEA GOT HER MISSION CALL TODAY!!!!! just waiting for her to open it. The suspense is killing me. i can't imagine how much worse it must be for her right now.

this one is short and sweet. Just needed something to get my mind off my homework for a few minutes. then i'm going to go home, eat something fast, and do more homework. get my quizzes worked on.

Had my last institute class of the semester today. I think I might take the second half of the old testament next semester. I love taking from brother Gordon. He has his doctorate in Hebrew, so he has an amazing wealth of knowledge. But I think I might also take the teaching seminary class.

anyway, back to work

To-do

I think i just may survive this semester...if I can get off the internet and start working on the massive pile of homework and such that i have due this week.

first, grammar. I need to catch up on the exercises and do the 7 quizzes that i've yet to do. then make a grammar notebook. due at midnight tomorrow.

Second, early american literature. type creative writing assignment. (this will take maybe 30 minutes) write final draft of analysis paper of Charlotte Temple...hopefully no more than an hour...but i should probably plan 2.

Third. Teaching literature. Unit plan...make the lessons. make a rubric. print it off. turn it in...oi.

fourth. get to a store. buy shoes and black top for server gig at coppermill on Friday.

Saturday. sleep. go to kelsie's ugly sweater party. :) clean the room. clean the bathroom.

If i can make it through all of this...i should be fine. And my goal is to stay more on top of things next semester than i did this semester. But i say that every semester...so eventually it will work...right?

A day of ordinary miracles

I've decided that I want to try something in the neat future. I don't know if I'll try it till next week, even though I should start this week, cause i feel like this week is the day that i'll need it.

I want to spend a day seeing the ordinary miracles that surround us everyday. I want to se the beauty of a sunrise, or the first snow fall of the year. I want to see the magic of children laughing. I want to see the victory dances people do when they survive a final. I want to appreciate my food and everything it took for me to have it. Just a day of ordinary miracles.

Didn't you know that miracles surround us everyday? The miracle of a best friend. The miracle of getting up in the morning. The miracle of existing. I want to spend a day seeing only that. How wonderful would that day be do you think?

Maybe it's just my life starting to come together that i'm starting to think like this again. I don't know. But i like it. Life is brighter when you don't have a dark cloud over you.

I still have a long way to go. But maybe what i really need is one day of ordinary miracles.