Please don't stop the music.

I know I've posted about music before, especially since when I started this blog 3 years ago, I was a music major.

But I've been thinking a lot about music lately.

Because I miss it.

I mean, I'm back in Chorale, which is better than nothing. And I'm humbled to admit that stepping down to Chorale after Chambers is really really hard.

But music just isn't in my life like it use to be.

And it makes me sad.

I don't learn knew songs anymore. I'm not exploring different styles. I'm not practicing my guitar and trying to get better.

I've accepted my mediocrity.

I want to fill my life with music again.

Music is how I feel. It's how I process emotions.

I think that's why it has left me a little.

Last year, I turned emotions off. Turning them back on is hard and scary.

Music brings them out in me.

I guess I'm saying, I need the music back. I need to face the fears. I need to expand and create. I need to practice and become. I need to pretend like I'm much better than I am.

I want the music back.

Trophys

So, I just read an article on huffington post about how no one should have to put up with or accept us at our worst, we should learn to fix our worst. I agreed with that part of the article, to a degree. We all have bad days, and on those days we need acceptance, however if you are a pain and selfish all the time, then you need to work on that.

(If you want to read it, here is the link. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-walsh/if-i-cant-accept-you-at-y_b_4673582.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false )

But that is not what this post is about.

I want to talk about trophy's. This guy really ripped on how when we give everyone the "pity trophy" there are only one of two outcomes going to happen. That kid will realize it's the pit trophy and hate it, OR they will think "yeah, I am cool." and get an inflated ego from earning a trophy.

I am here to tell you I am the third kind of person. (and I am sure that there are also 4th, 5th, and 6th persons as well)

I played soccer for 5 years growing up (shocker, I know), and at the end of every season I got my PARTICIPATION trophy. I had accomplished something over each season. I was part of a team. I was learning a sport. I was learning how to work with others. I was learning how to accept defeat. I was learning how to graciously win. I was getting physical exercise. I was playing. I was making friends. I scored goals. I blocked goals. I tripped and fell. I lost the ball. I was learning many valuable lessons. And for all of this, and making it through the season, I was given a trophy.

I knew that everyone was getting it, I wasn't stupid. But I saw it as my reward for making it through the season. It was something to keep and remember the things I learned. It was proof that I could make it through an entire summer season of a sport. I knew it wasn't for anything outstanding I had done. BUT that silly award ceremony we would have was one more lesson in being gracious and grateful.

Plus it was usually hosted at this local pizza place that I loved, which is never a bad thing.

Basically, While I agree that we are starting to go over board on "emotional bubble wrap". I find nothing wrong with everyone getting a participation trophy, because when you are a child, sticking through an entire season is hard. Learning to play nicely is hard. And you have earned having something to remember it by. I still have and love all (i think) 7 of my trophy's and 1 medal from my years of playing soccer.

Since then, I have lost track of all the times I have "lost." When I was kicked out of my program. When I have been passed over for jobs. When I didn't get the boy that I wanted. I had already learned at a young age that you don't always win, and it's not the end of the world. You just try again the next game. Want to know something else these trophy's taught me? How much more I appreciated the "wins" I did earn. When I earned a medal for second at state in One-Acts, that medal was a big deal to me. When I received outstanding performer, I knew it was a big deal, because not everyone got one. When my one-act was one of four selected to be performed out of over 50 entries, it was a big deal.

And want to know what else? By this point I had learned to be a gracious winner. So when I received these honors, I wasn't going around saying "Well of course I won, I am just that good." Instead, I was saying "What an honor. Thank you so much for this. I hope I can continue to improve and become better because of this." I turned these into motivation to become excellent at something, so that I was deserving of whatever award I had been given.

Maybe that is what we should be teaching our kids, these trophy's that we give to everyone, it is to show that you have learned something, and you PARTICIPATED. These Valentines that we require you to give everyone? It's so we can teach you how to be kind to everyone. If there is something that we should focus on teaching our children, it is that other people are out there. Other people matter. Everyone IS special, because no one is just like everyone else, and EVERYONE has the POTENTIAL to become excellent. But it must be earned.

Just like I earned those participation trophy's.

One year older, and wiser too.

Well, as of Sunday I am officially a 23 year old.

First, let's start with my birthday.

It was D&D weekend so I was down in Salt Lake. It was a great weekend.

I went to dinner with my friend Kenzie. (Someday, when she is a professional opera singer and is world renown, I'm talking about Makenzie Marie Matthews. Yeah, we're on a first name basis.(; ) I've now had Thai food. Kelton was suppose to come to dinner too, but he got sick and Kenzie has an audition in two weeks, so he didn't want to risk getting her sick before that. So it was just me and her, and it was so great to see her again. She is pretty much amazing.

Then when I got back to Jim and Heather's, Charles, Chris, Jim and I stayed up playing Red Dragon Inn. (A table top game) And I got stone faced drunk. (in the game) In fact, I had the highest alcohol than anyone has ever gotten playing that game. (who knew I could hold my liquor so well?)

Saturday I made fried rice for everyone. I love fried. And so did everyone else. I ended up having to make two batches. And also HEATHER STARTED MY PIONEER DRESS!!!!! Okay, since I'm terrible at blogging and can't actually remember when I last blogged, for Christmas Jim, Heather, and family gave me fabric...to make me a pioneer dress. IT'S GOING TO BE A PRETTY BLUE DRESS!!!!!!! I'm basically just really excited about it. So while the guys were off playing D&D we worked on the dress, then Rachel came over and we started looking at all the fabric so that we can start the mideval era clothes. Did I mention that my friends are the coolest nerds you will ever meet? And I love them for it.

Sunday. January 12. The day of my birth. My birthday, one might say. We wake up, and as soon as I'm awake, I'm being asked if I'll make pancakes. Someday the kids are going to learn that I can make more than pancakes. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to make anything before Church, so I told them I would make lunch after. Which I did. After Sacrament Charles and I pick up Chris and bring him back over to Jim and Heather's. And we just pretty much chill for the next few hours. We watched the first half of a movie called "Gods and generals" or something like that. It's a civil war film, which is awesome, and heartbreaking all at the same time. Moving on.

Charles was wanting to leave Salt Lake around 5, which was fine with me. So around 4:30, he walks into the other room and walks back out with a bag, hands it to me and says "Happy Birthday". (I hadn't told anyone it was my birthday. I figured facebook would do that for me and I would probably end up in trouble for not telling anyone. But my friends are better than that.) Then Chris comes in with another bag with my birthday present. Nicole (Heather's daughter) had also made a cake the day before. Chris got me a wok, which is awesome. And Charles got me some beautiful ceramic dishes, which I love. Heather is making me a dress. But in all honesty, none of them needed to get me anything. Seriously. I know it's cheesy, but I just love having all of them as friends.

So we cut the cake and we head up to Tremonton. (I needed to swing by my grandma's on the way back to Logan.) So we get there, I help grandma bring stuff up from the basement. (she slipped on ice over the break and hurt her back.) Then I get my presents that my parents sent to her house. I HAVE A TIME PIECE NOW!!!! IT'S SO PRETTY!!!! I also have some beyond comfy USU sweat pants.

We get back to Logan, and I had mentioned to Charles that Becca was having a game night, if he wanted to come. He goes "yeah, let's go there." So we get over there...and there was a surprise party waiting for me. Because my friends are awesome. I mean, I felt bad because I wasn't overly surprised. In the sense of, Becca had invited me to her place for a game night on my birthday. I knew she knew it was my birthday, so I figured there would probably be a cake. But I was surprised that it was actually a party just for me. Complete with balloons and decorations.

And then I felt bad because I am so bad at reactions. But I really did love it and was very touched. Because, again, my friends are awesome.

So now we move on to the older and wiser portion of this post. Because I've not had a boring year. That is for sure.

Things I've learned

The friends I am given never cease to amaze me. Seriously. I know some of the greatest people on planet earth. And especially after last school year, I've found some the most amazing...seriously there are no words. I managed to get the friends, and best friend that I needed. Without even realizing it, they have brought Mandy back. I'm not back without my scars and battle wounds. But I feel like I can face life again. I am starting to see the word like I use to. I became very cynical and bitter at the beginning of last year, and I think some of that is finally starting to go away. Not to mention they are just so cool. I am constantly learning things from all of my friends.

I'm stronger and weaker than I ever thought I was. That was an interesting lesson.

No one is stone. People change everyday. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. But the important part is that they are not stuck. The ones who change for the worse can always change again for the better. A lesson in life. If you are not actively trying to choose how you will change, you will most likely change for the worse.

Playing is important. We all need time to play. Life is hard and stressful and difficult. Which is why we need play time to remember that it isn't all that serious.

Play Theory is one of the coolest clubs ever.

I can write a Maid of Honor speech in less than an hour.

Apparently I can hike up the side of a mountain for 5 miles with nothing to eat but a peach before I throw up. I wouldn't suggest this to anyone. Make sure you eat a decent meal and are aware of how far you are hiking before starting up the side of a mountain.

I still believe that people are basically good. Despite them being so human. They are good.

Pioneer clothes are not as hot as modern clothing. Doubt me? The only times I got heat exhaustion this summer, I was wearing pants.

teaching someone to drive stick can be very entertaining.

I've been taught that I deserve to be treated like a lady.

I've been promoted from platypus for maiden. And the from maiden to fair maiden. Anyone who remembers that I was a duck 5 years ago should know that it is a big deal that I've now made it to homosapien.

And finally, I struggle with emotions. I have no idea how to have them, let alone how to show them. The stronger an emotion gets, the more quiet I become.

So to all my friends who made my birthday wonderful, I'm sorry that I have no idea how to express it, but thank you so much! It was wonderful and I love all of you. There are not words for how grateful I am to have all of you in my life. I don't deserve you wonderful people in my life and I love all of you dearly.

So, one year older and wiser too. Let's see what year 23 brings.

2013. The worst of times, the best of times.

Well, 2013 has come and gone.

The beginning of this year was literally the hardest part of my life so far. I am not joking in the slightest when I say that I am lucky that I made it out alive. I wish I was joking.

I was not the most mentally stable person by the time the beginning of this year came around. I was fighting some pretty hard battles, the kind that other people don't really see. There were still happy times that would kind of show up in there, but the first about 6 months of this year were the darkest times of my life, March and April being the darkest.

Thankfully, through some very dear friends, I had enough to hold on until the light got brighter. And then I had even more dear friends who helped lift the dark cloud higher.

So instead of focusing on the really crappy part of my year, I want to focus on the things that I am grateful for and the things that I learned.

I would like to thank my dear friend who literally saved my life last year with a few kind words. He was there when I needed someone, even though he had no free time. His words were simple, but very sincere. It was enough to pull me out of the dark enough that I could keep going one more day. One more day was all I needed. It was the first step.

I learned that I have more faith than I thought I did. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm no where near it. I have a lot of improving to do. Things that I thought I had known I was barely believing. But I still believed it. I never let go of the faith that I had a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me and loves me. Even if I couldn't feel it. I never stopped knowing that he was there. I know he is real, I know he is listening, I know he loves me. I am so grateful that I could never let go of that.

I learned that I cannot work at a livery when it is over a hundred degrees outside, because no matter what I try, I will get heat exhaustion and hate life.

I learned a bunch of pioneer songs on the guitar.

I learned that I absolutely love the book and movie "Perks of being a wallflower"

I learned that I still may have a writing bone in my body. I've been wanting to start new projects again.

I am thankful for the friend who asked me to a Pioneer Ball so that I didn't have to go alone.

I'm thankful for my friend who is teaching me to tool leather. I'm thankful for karaoke night. I love karaoke, mostly because of the company I go with. I am beyond thankful for the dear friends I have grown close to in the last few months. There are not words to express how wonderful they are and how much they have done for me. And they aren't even aware of it. They have accepted me as I am, and not all of them are aware that I am fighting old ghosts, but I feel like I can face them because I know I have these friends around me. I wish I could express to them how grateful I am. But the words do not exist.

This will sound shallow, but I'm thankful for my friend who takes me on dates. We are not exclusive, but for the first time in my life I have someone I am dating. Not a boyfriend. Not exclusive. Just dates. But he treats me so well, and makes me feel like I am worth his time. I've never known what that feels like.

I've learned that people change. For better and for worse. We are not stone creatures. We are constantly changing. And that's good. It's just sad when we change for the worse.

Well, there is a recap of this year. It wasn't boring. but it sure did end on a good note. Here's to 2014, another year of adventures.