Monday, December 10, 2012
Almost hitting a pole, and being a little passive aggressive.
So...the Lord loves me. I came within literally one inch of hitting a telephone pole with my car tonight. I hit an ice patch and there was no steering left. Luckily I was able to slow down so I was pretty sure if anyone got hurt it would only be one person.
Not that I wanted that one person to get hurt. Especially since she was sick. It all depended on how sensitive my air bags are. I don't know how sensitive they are and I don't care to find out. But if they air bags went off they would have gone off on Becca.
Thankfully, we didn't have to find out how sensitive my air bags are. My car managed to come to a stop literally an inch or less from the pole. It shook me up decently. I've still never really learned how to get out of skids. So i just pray a lot. so grateful my parents got me new tires over Thanksgiving break.
Also, I survived dead week. It took a weekend of nothing to survive, but I managed.
I also have a pet peeve lately. People in my life (and the men are the worst culprits) have been cutting off their nose despite there face. This is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time.
I know that I was a huge culprit of this when I was younger. but that right there is the key word. YOUNGER!! I wish people would grow up. Sometimes, people cut you off. But guess what? Sometimes YOU cut people off. So grow up and finish your sentence.
Also, games are just that. GAMES! there is no need to be a sore loser. It's okay to be a little disappointed when you don't win. but really, it's a game. this is why i don't play very many games anymore. I'll play ones where there are really winners or losers. but I am so sick of people getting angry over a stupid game.
This all comes from how much I hate anger and contention. I HATE IT!!!!! People don't realize how sensitive I am to it. I am very quick to anger, I have worked very hard to learn how to contain it. But it can come out very easily and there are a few things that will make it come out faster than a lot of others.
There are a couple reasons you don't want my anger to come out. One, I get mean. People really don't think I'm capable of being mean. But when I get angry I turn into a jerk. I know how to say things that will cut you to the core. I will say things that are below the belt. I will call you out on anything I can come up with. I will start fighting, just to fight. Just to feel like I'm in control, to maintain a sense of dominance.
I don't like when I get like this.
Another reason, I don't just stop being angry. I will be angry for at least the rest of the day, and likely into the next day. I don't hold grudges, but I will hold anger. I know it seems like those two go hand in hand, but you would be surprised how easily I can separate them. But I will carry a bad attitude and I can hold onto for a long time, making it even easier than usual to set me off.
I don't like when I get like this.
Want to know some of the things that set me off? Cutting off your nose despite your face. See, that immediately brings contention. And maybe you can drop it in a heartbeat. But I don't. And I am very susceptible to negative feelings, sadly, those are the ones that resonate. Contrary to popular belief, I work for positive emotions to be the main ones in my life. I work very hard at that. So when you start bringing in unneeded contention, it's going to annoy me because it was contention that didn't need to be there.
Thats another thing. UNNEEDED! I hate feeling like I am getting yelled at or scolded when I have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Me not liking something, such as ranch dressing IS NOT WRONG! Me not liking to be the center of attention IS NOT WRONG!!
I don't like feeling attacked. I know I should be more honest with people about this but the moment I'm getting angry I start shutting down and shutting people out.
And then I don't want to bring it up later because I don't want to bring contention back because I hate how long it stays with me.
Contrary to what a lot of people may think, I do not wear myself on my sleeve. I may have let a few people see a little bit more lately, but I keep A LOT inside. And I don't think everyone needs to know everything about me. It's my business.
I really do have wonderful people in my life. But I got set off, and now I'm trying to keep it at the annoyance level. (I can get rid of that one easier)
Anyway, that is me being passive aggressive. I should really work on it. But right now is not the time or place. But have a wonderful evening everyone.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
short up date
9 exercises down. 7 quizzes and a notebook by midnight. revise one paper. type a short creative writing assignment. finish unit plan. I got this.
CHELSEA GOT HER MISSION CALL TODAY!!!!! just waiting for her to open it. The suspense is killing me. i can't imagine how much worse it must be for her right now.
this one is short and sweet. Just needed something to get my mind off my homework for a few minutes. then i'm going to go home, eat something fast, and do more homework. get my quizzes worked on.
Had my last institute class of the semester today. I think I might take the second half of the old testament next semester. I love taking from brother Gordon. He has his doctorate in Hebrew, so he has an amazing wealth of knowledge. But I think I might also take the teaching seminary class.
anyway, back to work
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
To-do
I think i just may survive this semester...if I can get off the internet and start working on the massive pile of homework and such that i have due this week.
first, grammar. I need to catch up on the exercises and do the 7 quizzes that i've yet to do. then make a grammar notebook. due at midnight tomorrow.
Second, early american literature. type creative writing assignment. (this will take maybe 30 minutes) write final draft of analysis paper of Charlotte Temple...hopefully no more than an hour...but i should probably plan 2.
Third. Teaching literature. Unit plan...make the lessons. make a rubric. print it off. turn it in...oi.
fourth. get to a store. buy shoes and black top for server gig at coppermill on Friday.
Saturday. sleep. go to kelsie's ugly sweater party. :) clean the room. clean the bathroom.
If i can make it through all of this...i should be fine. And my goal is to stay more on top of things next semester than i did this semester. But i say that every semester...so eventually it will work...right?
A day of ordinary miracles
I've decided that I want to try something in the neat future. I don't know if I'll try it till next week, even though I should start this week, cause i feel like this week is the day that i'll need it.
I want to spend a day seeing the ordinary miracles that surround us everyday. I want to se the beauty of a sunrise, or the first snow fall of the year. I want to see the magic of children laughing. I want to see the victory dances people do when they survive a final. I want to appreciate my food and everything it took for me to have it. Just a day of ordinary miracles.
Didn't you know that miracles surround us everyday? The miracle of a best friend. The miracle of getting up in the morning. The miracle of existing. I want to spend a day seeing only that. How wonderful would that day be do you think?
Maybe it's just my life starting to come together that i'm starting to think like this again. I don't know. But i like it. Life is brighter when you don't have a dark cloud over you.
I still have a long way to go. But maybe what i really need is one day of ordinary miracles.
Monday, November 26, 2012
2 weeks and counting
I have two weeks of classes left...i already skipped grammar and institute today. (although, in my defense, my roommate really needed to vent because she was on the verge of a break down. I figured that was a little more important than institute.) and i'm not actually planning on going to my teaching literature class. although I am going to go to campus and work on my unit plan. And write a rough draft of a paper tonight. I hate writing analysis papers. they bore me.
I am trying to pass classes I promise. I just have a serious lack of motivation that i'm having an increasingly difficult time getting past.
I also have no idea what to get my family for Christmas. Especially the parental units. no idea. suggestions are welcomed and encouraged.
I'm really rambly today, but i'm trying to be better about blogging again. maybe it will help with writing. or just sorting out life. i like the sorting out life idea.
anyway. yeah.
I am trying to pass classes I promise. I just have a serious lack of motivation that i'm having an increasingly difficult time getting past.
I also have no idea what to get my family for Christmas. Especially the parental units. no idea. suggestions are welcomed and encouraged.
I'm really rambly today, but i'm trying to be better about blogging again. maybe it will help with writing. or just sorting out life. i like the sorting out life idea.
anyway. yeah.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Another year of thanks
As always, I must do the very cliche' but still sincere thankful post.
Things I am thankful for. (in no specific order)
1. Better friends than I deserve. They have helped me through a lot this year.
2. AMAZING ROOMMATES!
3. My family, despite all the fights we get into.
4. the opportunity to find out that i do not want to be an english teacher.
5. Chamber singers.
6. my calling as a relief society teacher.
7. A car that is somehow still working.
8. This learning how to be an adult thing.
9. perspective.
10. food.
11. the chance to go to China
12. The best summer job anybody could ever hope to have
13. Amazing co-workers and bosses at said job.
14. them letting me be pageant royalty.
15. The chance to eat dinner with Jim's family, and make cookies. and the conversation we had.
16. The Atonement
17. The incomprehensible love that the Lord has for us.
18. A new idea to work on writing.
19. A small Christmas tree for our front room
20. the internet
21. cell phones
22. indoor plumbing
23. patches (grandma's cat)
24. when gas prices go down
25. opportunities to serve others.
26. music
27. performing every now and then
28. chapstick
29. awesome landlords, and a great apartment
30. Surviving the last year.
This is a short list, but a very true one. I know it's a few days late, it happens. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Lets remember our thanks throughout the year. :)
Things I am thankful for. (in no specific order)
1. Better friends than I deserve. They have helped me through a lot this year.
2. AMAZING ROOMMATES!
3. My family, despite all the fights we get into.
4. the opportunity to find out that i do not want to be an english teacher.
5. Chamber singers.
6. my calling as a relief society teacher.
7. A car that is somehow still working.
8. This learning how to be an adult thing.
9. perspective.
10. food.
11. the chance to go to China
12. The best summer job anybody could ever hope to have
13. Amazing co-workers and bosses at said job.
14. them letting me be pageant royalty.
15. The chance to eat dinner with Jim's family, and make cookies. and the conversation we had.
16. The Atonement
17. The incomprehensible love that the Lord has for us.
18. A new idea to work on writing.
19. A small Christmas tree for our front room
20. the internet
21. cell phones
22. indoor plumbing
23. patches (grandma's cat)
24. when gas prices go down
25. opportunities to serve others.
26. music
27. performing every now and then
28. chapstick
29. awesome landlords, and a great apartment
30. Surviving the last year.
This is a short list, but a very true one. I know it's a few days late, it happens. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Lets remember our thanks throughout the year. :)
Saturday, November 10, 2012
thoughts
Sometimes, i really miss band. I went to a wind symphony concert last night and I remembered how much fun i use to have in band. I think my problem with life is i love to many things, i don't know how to get good at any of them.
I've played, oboe, cymbals, cowbell, violin, minimal piano and guitar, i sing, i've done theatre, i danced when i was younger. And i wasn't terrible at any of them. I wasn't always good, but i was never bad.
I wish there was a way to just combine all the things I've learned into a job of some kind. I believe that music and theatre will change the world. They speak to us in ways nothing else can.
I have had so much random experience, I can accomplish a lot of things, but I have no idea how to present to the world that I can do these things. I really like the idea of combining communications and music into a major, but I don't know how to do it. grrr.
i'm also really tired right now as I'm writing this, so it's a little over the place. I've been so tired the last week or so and the last 2 days i've had awesome headaches. i hate headaches.
but i'm getting my laundry done right now, thats a good thing...right?
I've played, oboe, cymbals, cowbell, violin, minimal piano and guitar, i sing, i've done theatre, i danced when i was younger. And i wasn't terrible at any of them. I wasn't always good, but i was never bad.
I wish there was a way to just combine all the things I've learned into a job of some kind. I believe that music and theatre will change the world. They speak to us in ways nothing else can.
I have had so much random experience, I can accomplish a lot of things, but I have no idea how to present to the world that I can do these things. I really like the idea of combining communications and music into a major, but I don't know how to do it. grrr.
i'm also really tired right now as I'm writing this, so it's a little over the place. I've been so tired the last week or so and the last 2 days i've had awesome headaches. i hate headaches.
but i'm getting my laundry done right now, thats a good thing...right?
Friday, November 2, 2012
random ramblings that are of no great consequence.
This is me paying attention in my grammar class. Actually, she has finished the lecture, and we are suppose to be using this time to work on a quiz...i'm a lot behind in this class.
I don't try to be a bad student. I don't try to be stupid. I just don't care about this class. I don't care about any of my classes, quite frankly. I don't want to go anymore.
I know I need to pick a new major. I get that. I need something to be excited about with school. But does anyone know how hard that actually is? I don't want to pick something new to fall in love with just to watch it get taken away from me again.
I know, I know. "you just have to learn to trust that it won't. You can't give up before you start or you'll never get it" I understand that.
you try it.
I know a lot of people have it worse than me. I know it's not suppose to be easy. But when life keeps turning out the same no matter how hard you try to make it different, it's hard to believe that it ever will be different.
I really don't like thinking that way.
I wish I was a good student. I really wish I was. I've never learned how to study though. I've always been able to get by, honestly, by completely BSing my homework. I've never been able to figure out when I get homework done, or how I pass. In high school I literally didn't try. And I got mostly A's and B's. Same thing happened when I go to college. I faked my way through a lot, and I got decent grades. Yeah, i didn't learn as much as the other students. But i've never been very book smart anyway.
In fact, I hate school. I just hate being in school. I'm a hard worker, why can't I learn on the job? I know why, i really do. I'm just sick of feeling stupid after class every single day of my life.
I didn't mean for this to be a downer post today. I really didn't. ugh. I really am trying to be happier in life. I promise. I'm trying to take care of it. It is so much easier said than done.
I'm just trying to learn how to breathe underwater.
I don't try to be a bad student. I don't try to be stupid. I just don't care about this class. I don't care about any of my classes, quite frankly. I don't want to go anymore.
I know I need to pick a new major. I get that. I need something to be excited about with school. But does anyone know how hard that actually is? I don't want to pick something new to fall in love with just to watch it get taken away from me again.
I know, I know. "you just have to learn to trust that it won't. You can't give up before you start or you'll never get it" I understand that.
you try it.
I know a lot of people have it worse than me. I know it's not suppose to be easy. But when life keeps turning out the same no matter how hard you try to make it different, it's hard to believe that it ever will be different.
I really don't like thinking that way.
I wish I was a good student. I really wish I was. I've never learned how to study though. I've always been able to get by, honestly, by completely BSing my homework. I've never been able to figure out when I get homework done, or how I pass. In high school I literally didn't try. And I got mostly A's and B's. Same thing happened when I go to college. I faked my way through a lot, and I got decent grades. Yeah, i didn't learn as much as the other students. But i've never been very book smart anyway.
In fact, I hate school. I just hate being in school. I'm a hard worker, why can't I learn on the job? I know why, i really do. I'm just sick of feeling stupid after class every single day of my life.
I didn't mean for this to be a downer post today. I really didn't. ugh. I really am trying to be happier in life. I promise. I'm trying to take care of it. It is so much easier said than done.
I'm just trying to learn how to breathe underwater.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
Have you ever held your crying friend in your arms and not known what to say? It is one of the worst feelings in the world. You would give anything to have the answer for them. You would give anything to take that pain away from them. But you aren't omnipotent. You plain don't have an answer. So you just hold them and shed a few tears while your holding them.
I wish I had the answer of why we have the trials we do. I wish I could explain it.
But it comes down to trusting the Lord. It is going to be the hardest thing in the world to just trust him. But if you can have the faith to turn your trial to him and trust him, can he not make the burden lighter?
The Lord will not make a promise he won't keep, so long as we hold up our end of the deal. It is so hard to see with our mortal eyes.
I can't make sense of it. I'm just trying to learn how to trust.
I guess sometimes all you can do is hold someone and tell them how much you love them and that it is going to be okay.
I wish I had the answer of why we have the trials we do. I wish I could explain it.
But it comes down to trusting the Lord. It is going to be the hardest thing in the world to just trust him. But if you can have the faith to turn your trial to him and trust him, can he not make the burden lighter?
The Lord will not make a promise he won't keep, so long as we hold up our end of the deal. It is so hard to see with our mortal eyes.
I can't make sense of it. I'm just trying to learn how to trust.
I guess sometimes all you can do is hold someone and tell them how much you love them and that it is going to be okay.
Little Haunts
So last week we had little haunts down at "This is The Place Heritage Park". And it was great fun to go down and work it.
I got to conduct the train the first 2 days I was down there. It was so fun, the school wasn't as fun when you have to worry about trick or treaters; but it was still so fun. If I could have anything it would be to work at the park the rest of my life.
While Holly was taking me over to Smoot so I could get a shirt to where on the Train cliff came up and at seeing me said "Welcome home, Mandy" It was so good to be home. That's what it felt like. I loved seeing everyone I could.
While down there I stayed at my sisters while she was out of town, she told me I was welcome to any of the food in the house...except my sister doesn't have any food in the house. So I had to bring some down food.
I got lucky the first night and Diamond Jim invited me to have dinner with his family, (partly so i could come make him cookies) It was fun chatting with Jim. He showed me the guns he has and showed me different kinds of bullets. He knows something about everything I swear.
Friday night I spent at Kim's. I watched five episodes of Burn Notice at her place. Mom also got on-line and saw my bank account. Then informed me she put some money in and to go buy some food.
Saturday they moved me into the school house and its not as fun when you have to keep track of which children had gotten candy.
It was still really hard to leave to come back to Logan. I miss it so much down there. But I'll be back next summer and it will be wonderful :)
I got to conduct the train the first 2 days I was down there. It was so fun, the school wasn't as fun when you have to worry about trick or treaters; but it was still so fun. If I could have anything it would be to work at the park the rest of my life.
While Holly was taking me over to Smoot so I could get a shirt to where on the Train cliff came up and at seeing me said "Welcome home, Mandy" It was so good to be home. That's what it felt like. I loved seeing everyone I could.
While down there I stayed at my sisters while she was out of town, she told me I was welcome to any of the food in the house...except my sister doesn't have any food in the house. So I had to bring some down food.
I got lucky the first night and Diamond Jim invited me to have dinner with his family, (partly so i could come make him cookies) It was fun chatting with Jim. He showed me the guns he has and showed me different kinds of bullets. He knows something about everything I swear.
Friday night I spent at Kim's. I watched five episodes of Burn Notice at her place. Mom also got on-line and saw my bank account. Then informed me she put some money in and to go buy some food.
Saturday they moved me into the school house and its not as fun when you have to keep track of which children had gotten candy.
It was still really hard to leave to come back to Logan. I miss it so much down there. But I'll be back next summer and it will be wonderful :)
Friday, September 28, 2012
no tumor for me
So, something I have not been telling people, the last few weeks I've been worried that I could have a brain tumor.
I went in for my yearly physical and they were worried about a couple of symptoms. So I had blood testing and when my prolactin levels came back twice as high as they are suppose to be, that leads to the suspicion of a tumor on the pituitary gland.
So I had a brain MRI yesterday.
And the results came back stone cold. My brain is completely fine. Everything looks normal.
They don't know why my levels are so high. Or why my body is doing what it's doing.
But living with that "i have no idea what's going on" is so incredibly stressful. Wondering if i'm going to have to have surgery, or get medication or what.
I'm just tired of everything.
I'm just tired.
I went in for my yearly physical and they were worried about a couple of symptoms. So I had blood testing and when my prolactin levels came back twice as high as they are suppose to be, that leads to the suspicion of a tumor on the pituitary gland.
So I had a brain MRI yesterday.
And the results came back stone cold. My brain is completely fine. Everything looks normal.
They don't know why my levels are so high. Or why my body is doing what it's doing.
But living with that "i have no idea what's going on" is so incredibly stressful. Wondering if i'm going to have to have surgery, or get medication or what.
I'm just tired of everything.
I'm just tired.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
No more
"No more questions. No more tests. Comes the day you say 'what for?' Please. no more."
I'm so tired of all the questions that I am trying to answer. I'm sick of the tests i'm going through. I know that the Lord won't give me more than I can handle. But I feel like I'm sinking.
"They disappoint. They disappear. They die. But they don't..."
my emotions are full of disappointment. then I get them under control. Then they disappear. I feel like they are gone. But then they come back. They don't die.
"No more feelings. Time to shut the door. Just no more."
I just don't want emotions anymore. They just get in the way of life. They are a pain. They don't do any good anymore. They just make you hurt. All I've wanted to do is run away. Somewhere I don't hurt anymore.
"Running away- lets do it. Free from the ties that bind. No more despair or burdens to bear out there in the yonder."
That's what the dream feels like.
"Running away- go to it. Where did you have in mind? Have to take care, unless there's a where, you'll only be wandering blind. Just more questions. different kinds."
That's what stops me. Where would I run? What would I do when I get there? I can't make life work here, why would I be able to somewhere I don't know anyone?
"Where are we to go? Where are we ever to go?"
The only place where things make sense. The Temple. Institute. Church. No matter how hard it gets. There is always somewhere I can turn for peace. It'll be okay.
(lyrics from the song 'No more' from the musical "Into the Woods".)
I'm so tired of all the questions that I am trying to answer. I'm sick of the tests i'm going through. I know that the Lord won't give me more than I can handle. But I feel like I'm sinking.
"They disappoint. They disappear. They die. But they don't..."
my emotions are full of disappointment. then I get them under control. Then they disappear. I feel like they are gone. But then they come back. They don't die.
"No more feelings. Time to shut the door. Just no more."
I just don't want emotions anymore. They just get in the way of life. They are a pain. They don't do any good anymore. They just make you hurt. All I've wanted to do is run away. Somewhere I don't hurt anymore.
"Running away- lets do it. Free from the ties that bind. No more despair or burdens to bear out there in the yonder."
That's what the dream feels like.
"Running away- go to it. Where did you have in mind? Have to take care, unless there's a where, you'll only be wandering blind. Just more questions. different kinds."
That's what stops me. Where would I run? What would I do when I get there? I can't make life work here, why would I be able to somewhere I don't know anyone?
"Where are we to go? Where are we ever to go?"
The only place where things make sense. The Temple. Institute. Church. No matter how hard it gets. There is always somewhere I can turn for peace. It'll be okay.
(lyrics from the song 'No more' from the musical "Into the Woods".)
Monday, September 17, 2012
i wish i was a writer.
I really am trying to get back in the habit of blogging. Maybe it will help me sort out my life. Life is stressful. I realized the other day, i don't know if i want to be a teacher. Then today in my teaching literature class, i realized maybe i do. I can't seem to make up my mind. I hesitate to go forward with english because in all honesty...i hate literature. i hate studying it. I hate analyzing it. I don't enjoy classics very much. i don't like reading that much. Not nearly as much as I use to.
I feel like an English teacher should love reading...
but i love writing. even if i haven't done it for a long time.
all the things that we are learning in out teaching literature, i take examples from the teachers who taught me to write. who would have me write. I don't even really remember much of anything I read in english classes. But i remember what we wrote.
I remember the short stories we would get in creative writing.
I remember how many genre's we looked at.
everything i learned in english i learned from creative writing. (including grammar...ironic when you know the story
) but nobody hires a creative writing teacher. they just have the english teachers do creative writing, if there is a high enough demand.
but i loved writing.
it clicked.
i learned a lot about myself through writing.
writing is where i learned where i truly stand on things. i learned what my dreams really were. I can assess my feelings in my writing. The outcomes of my stories usually have to do with how i am subconsciously feeling.
I learn what kind of person i want to be. (usually, i model my main "good guys" off the kind of person i wish i was.
I write about the kind of relationships i have or wish i had.
I learned I will probably never writed a novel. not because of lack of ideas, but because i don't like dealing with the "he said, she said," and i tend to write in 3rd person. narrators make life easier.
I'm also not good enough with voice to write a lot of characters.
one-acts and short stories...right now thats where i stand. those i was good at.
i think i just want to teach kids how to believe in themselves. (which is ironic, considering how much work i need in that department)
I want kids to know how much that can accomplish.
I want them to know they have potential.
I want them to know that can handle whatever tasks the world throws at them
I want them to know it will be hard, but it can be done.
I want them to be better than I am.
Someone told me once i should just be the old Chinese wise man at the top of the mountain who gives you metaphors on life. is there a major for that?
I wish i could just be a life teacher. i think i'm good at helping people see how they could get better grades, i just don't know how to help them get it.
I think i could teach opinions, and how to have your own. and how to respect ones that differ from yours.
i think i could teach how to change a tire.
i think i could teach how to clean a bathroom.
i think i could teach how to have fun without a tv, and not cause trouble.
i think i could teach people how to be punctual.
i think i could teach people how to communicate.
i just like to teach whatever i can.
i had a teacher who said i have more street smarts than anyone he knows. (which is not true, ps.) but i was flattered. I know how to live life, i just don't know how to pass classes.
i guess thats what writers do, isn't it? they write about life. maybe thats why creative writing always seemed to resonate with me. I had a way of sharing my ideas. I had a way to be heard. I learned different ways to express, not just straight forward like this.
i wish i was a writer.
I feel like an English teacher should love reading...
but i love writing. even if i haven't done it for a long time.
all the things that we are learning in out teaching literature, i take examples from the teachers who taught me to write. who would have me write. I don't even really remember much of anything I read in english classes. But i remember what we wrote.
I remember the short stories we would get in creative writing.
I remember how many genre's we looked at.
everything i learned in english i learned from creative writing. (including grammar...ironic when you know the story
) but nobody hires a creative writing teacher. they just have the english teachers do creative writing, if there is a high enough demand.
but i loved writing.
it clicked.
i learned a lot about myself through writing.
writing is where i learned where i truly stand on things. i learned what my dreams really were. I can assess my feelings in my writing. The outcomes of my stories usually have to do with how i am subconsciously feeling.
I learn what kind of person i want to be. (usually, i model my main "good guys" off the kind of person i wish i was.
I write about the kind of relationships i have or wish i had.
I learned I will probably never writed a novel. not because of lack of ideas, but because i don't like dealing with the "he said, she said," and i tend to write in 3rd person. narrators make life easier.
I'm also not good enough with voice to write a lot of characters.
one-acts and short stories...right now thats where i stand. those i was good at.
i think i just want to teach kids how to believe in themselves. (which is ironic, considering how much work i need in that department)
I want kids to know how much that can accomplish.
I want them to know they have potential.
I want them to know that can handle whatever tasks the world throws at them
I want them to know it will be hard, but it can be done.
I want them to be better than I am.
Someone told me once i should just be the old Chinese wise man at the top of the mountain who gives you metaphors on life. is there a major for that?
I wish i could just be a life teacher. i think i'm good at helping people see how they could get better grades, i just don't know how to help them get it.
I think i could teach opinions, and how to have your own. and how to respect ones that differ from yours.
i think i could teach how to change a tire.
i think i could teach how to clean a bathroom.
i think i could teach how to have fun without a tv, and not cause trouble.
i think i could teach people how to be punctual.
i think i could teach people how to communicate.
i just like to teach whatever i can.
i had a teacher who said i have more street smarts than anyone he knows. (which is not true, ps.) but i was flattered. I know how to live life, i just don't know how to pass classes.
i guess thats what writers do, isn't it? they write about life. maybe thats why creative writing always seemed to resonate with me. I had a way of sharing my ideas. I had a way to be heard. I learned different ways to express, not just straight forward like this.
i wish i was a writer.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Numb
I apologize for yesterday's post.
I have this weird thing where sometimes i guess i must know something bad is coming, because my body will start trying to defend itself and i start feeling numb to all feelings. which usually makes me kind of emo.
last night i got a phone call that a family friend had been killed in a horse accident. (my moms best friend's husband. i know that makes it sound distant. but i lived with them for a week when i was 10)
then when i got the news i was even more numb. i didn't even know how to react. i guess i still don't. i'm still just kind of numb...but with a headache now.
this is going to come out terrible, but please no one any closer to me die. i can't handle it.
i love all my friends and family. even though i'm not good at showing it.
just know that.
I have this weird thing where sometimes i guess i must know something bad is coming, because my body will start trying to defend itself and i start feeling numb to all feelings. which usually makes me kind of emo.
last night i got a phone call that a family friend had been killed in a horse accident. (my moms best friend's husband. i know that makes it sound distant. but i lived with them for a week when i was 10)
then when i got the news i was even more numb. i didn't even know how to react. i guess i still don't. i'm still just kind of numb...but with a headache now.
this is going to come out terrible, but please no one any closer to me die. i can't handle it.
i love all my friends and family. even though i'm not good at showing it.
just know that.
Friday, September 14, 2012
bleh
School has begun again. I meant to write yesterday, or the day before. a lot has happened and I can't keep up anymore. my life is an emotional roller coaster and i feel like i'm not wearing a seat belt. along the way i'm getting whiplash (which i've had before, not fun.)
I mean, i'm learning a lot. and i'm trying hard to remember the things i'm learning. and I'm trying to see the happy and positive things of life.
but somedays it's harder than others.
i'm learning about life. not much from books.
i've never been good at learning from books.
i'm not very school smart.
i know how to handle people. i learn how people work decently fast. especially when i started trying to teach myself to look at people from different perspectives.
i don't want to be an english teacher.
i don't know if i want to be a teacher anymore.
maybe it's just because i'm sick of school.
maybe it's because i've watched all my classmates excel so far in front of me.
maybe it's because i feel like i haven't changed in the last three years. except becoming more cynical and pessimistic i suppose.
this is dumb. i was fine most of the day yesterday, and now i'm back to just not caring. i even skipped class this morning. i really shouldn't get in that habit.
especially since i don't really know whats going on in that class. the stupid part...it's grammar. stuff i should have learned in elementary and junior high.
and the fourth year college student can't understand it.
thats a self esteem booster right there.
i promise life is okay. it will work out eventually. i just didn't sleep very well last night. but i want to get better at posting, so i figured i might as well start.
happier posts to come.
I mean, i'm learning a lot. and i'm trying hard to remember the things i'm learning. and I'm trying to see the happy and positive things of life.
but somedays it's harder than others.
i'm learning about life. not much from books.
i've never been good at learning from books.
i'm not very school smart.
i know how to handle people. i learn how people work decently fast. especially when i started trying to teach myself to look at people from different perspectives.
i don't want to be an english teacher.
i don't know if i want to be a teacher anymore.
maybe it's just because i'm sick of school.
maybe it's because i've watched all my classmates excel so far in front of me.
maybe it's because i feel like i haven't changed in the last three years. except becoming more cynical and pessimistic i suppose.
this is dumb. i was fine most of the day yesterday, and now i'm back to just not caring. i even skipped class this morning. i really shouldn't get in that habit.
especially since i don't really know whats going on in that class. the stupid part...it's grammar. stuff i should have learned in elementary and junior high.
and the fourth year college student can't understand it.
thats a self esteem booster right there.
i promise life is okay. it will work out eventually. i just didn't sleep very well last night. but i want to get better at posting, so i figured i might as well start.
happier posts to come.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
A Ball Gown
So, at work, I am doing this pageant. This post is actually going to be a little risky, i'm hoping my sister doesn't randomly read it before Tuesday.
So at work they are doing the first ever Miss Deseret Pageant. And between the death threats of 2 friends and feeling bad no one was signing up, I filled out an application. which was funny, because i didn't have a printer. It was a funny process getting it figured out. But it was figured out.
So we go to our first "workshop" for the pageant and only three of us are there... After our boss Holly gets there they tell us something...They have already chosen the winners based on applications. (this had to do with lack of interest and the fact not many people signed up. and that this is kind of the Guinean pig year) I was then told that I was the second attendant to Miss Deseret... I am pageant Royalty.
This was such a mixture of emotions for me. I was excited, but I have issues with being the center of attention. I also didn't want to walk around on a stage and have people staring at me. It was just not my thing. And the closer it got to things, the less excited I got. For example, they were originally going to crown us at Brother Brighams Ball...but then they changed their minds. Which was unfortunate, because they said that we had to have dates because we needed escorts. My dad happened to have a business trip to Utah that weekend, and so he flew in a day early and took me to the ball. (which was sad that they didn't end up crowning us. I was really excited to see the look on my sisters face.)
Now a lot of the reasons i was getting less and less excited i won't go into, its a lot of personal issues i'm working on. However, because they were going to present us at the ball, Tate (one of my bosses) wanted all the royalty to look AMAZING! So we were getting first pick down in the closet. That led to one day after work Tate and April taking me into Narnia (the costume closet) and playing dress up. essentially. They found this nice dress. It was a darker green, with maroons and browns and stuff. They made a maroon sash to add to it, around the waist, to accent the waist line, and they found some maroon lace to put around the neck line. It was nice.
But... i secretly still wasn't looking forward to the ball... I didn't want to be the center of attention and the other 2 girls are so pretty. But my daddy was flying out, so i wasn't dreading it...until the day before.
April and Rachel-Anne (Miss Deseret and first attendant) were both going to KSL to advertise for the ball. and they both were wearing their ball gowns. THEY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! All the sudden my nice dress seemed so...plain. I didn't even want to think about having to stand next to them. I did not want to go to the ball anymore. I didn't tell anyone at the park that. But when i clocked in and went to my site, i was almost ready to cry.
Part way through the day I got a text from Tate, asking if i could help him with something that evening. I said sure. He said he just needed some help running errands. So around five he finds me in the basement of the hospital (thats where the employee lounge is) and we head out. As we are getting to his car he says we were going to get taffy. (i wondered why he needed help getting taffy, but i though "whatever")
We start driving and soon we pull into a parking lot. The sign on the door says "Hale Centre Theatre" He puts the car in park and says "So surprise, we are getting you a ball gown."
I was speechless. There have been very few times in my life that I have not been able to find words at all. This was one of those few times. He said something along the lines of after seeing April and Rachel-Anne he could not let me go to the Ball in the second hand dress they already had for me, so we were here getting me a real ball gown. So he went to my other 2 bosses and said "we are getting her a dress, she deserves this."
I have the best bosses in the entire world. They agreed that I deserved a dress. No one has ever gotten me a dress. I literally was in shock. That, i guess, is the secret to getting me to accept things. don't tell me about it, just do it and when i'm in to much shock to say no, i just follow along.
So we head inside, and the lady at the front desk takes us upstairs and I'm just following along. She takes us to the civil war area and Tate starts pulling dresses. we take them to the changing room and I start trying them on.
The first one i could get the skirt done up. The second one i could get the skirt done up, but i couldn't really breathe. I started putting the top on and I managed to button it up, but i was so squished. (big chests make dresses hard) Around that point Tate had come back from getting more dresses and asks how we were doing so far. I came out to show him the one. Essentially i said i could get it on, but i can't really breathe or move. We both knew the chest was an issue. All though he described them funnier than anyone else ever has. I don't remember what led up to it, but he said something along the lines of "it's because your, Vah Vah Voom." (Tate is also gay, which is why this comment didn't offend me. coming from a straight guy, he would have been slapped)
So we're trying and trying. And they come back with this greenish-turquoisish one. And the top fits. So we try on the skirt. which fits, minus being to long. but what else is new? So we put me in this massive hoop skirt. And it fits, and it looks good. (keeping in mind, during this whole process i am still in shock. i can't register whether it looks good or not) they go to make one more sweep and some back, i had found a sash by the hangers this dress was on and asked if it was part of it. It was, they tied it on and i looked in the mirror. I couldn't believe what a difference the sash made. I actually had a waist line. I liked it. I just couldn't process. Tate decided this was the one we were getting, and we were lucky. It actually went with my skin tone really nicely. Its one of those colors that can actually wash people out.
So we are down, the park rents my dress for me, we drive back to the park so i can get my car.
I immediately drive to wal-mart and get thank you cards for all 3 of my bosses. The next morning, i went to work early because i was making soup for the girls for when we were getting ready for the ball the next night. and soup I can leave in a crock pot all day. We also had an early morning pageant rehearsal. so between making the soup and running to the bowery for rehearsal i slipped the card into the offices/ cubicles of the respective recipients.
We then proceed to rehearse for the pageant, talents, dances, walking. all of it. after it, i quickly change and start heading up to my site for the day. As i'm getting to my site, my boss Cliff drives by on his golf cart and pulls over and says "you really are a beauty queen." It was so simple, and yet that meant the world to me.
Then the ball came. April did my hair, maddi did my make-up, i got into my dress. I got lucky, and my pearls went amazing with the dress. Then all of us went up to the ball. We get there, dad liked my dress. But it was funny, i couldn't really dance in it. Even in my heels, it was to long. but it was still so much fun. I had one lady come up to me and say that she thought that i had the most beautiful dress in the room. a little girl came and asked if I was Cinderella.
We went to dinner in our costumes after the ball, and while we were waiting for a table people started talking about the ball. I heard someone mention that a little girl had asked if I was cinderella and someone else said "You really were the Belle of the ball."
I know all of this seems shallow, but that dress meant so much to me. That my bosses were willing to do that to make sure i looked as incredible as i could for just one night. I really don't know if they ever will really know how much it meant to me. and how many times i almost cried over it, because it honestly touched me so much.
So at work they are doing the first ever Miss Deseret Pageant. And between the death threats of 2 friends and feeling bad no one was signing up, I filled out an application. which was funny, because i didn't have a printer. It was a funny process getting it figured out. But it was figured out.
So we go to our first "workshop" for the pageant and only three of us are there... After our boss Holly gets there they tell us something...They have already chosen the winners based on applications. (this had to do with lack of interest and the fact not many people signed up. and that this is kind of the Guinean pig year) I was then told that I was the second attendant to Miss Deseret... I am pageant Royalty.
This was such a mixture of emotions for me. I was excited, but I have issues with being the center of attention. I also didn't want to walk around on a stage and have people staring at me. It was just not my thing. And the closer it got to things, the less excited I got. For example, they were originally going to crown us at Brother Brighams Ball...but then they changed their minds. Which was unfortunate, because they said that we had to have dates because we needed escorts. My dad happened to have a business trip to Utah that weekend, and so he flew in a day early and took me to the ball. (which was sad that they didn't end up crowning us. I was really excited to see the look on my sisters face.)
Now a lot of the reasons i was getting less and less excited i won't go into, its a lot of personal issues i'm working on. However, because they were going to present us at the ball, Tate (one of my bosses) wanted all the royalty to look AMAZING! So we were getting first pick down in the closet. That led to one day after work Tate and April taking me into Narnia (the costume closet) and playing dress up. essentially. They found this nice dress. It was a darker green, with maroons and browns and stuff. They made a maroon sash to add to it, around the waist, to accent the waist line, and they found some maroon lace to put around the neck line. It was nice.
But... i secretly still wasn't looking forward to the ball... I didn't want to be the center of attention and the other 2 girls are so pretty. But my daddy was flying out, so i wasn't dreading it...until the day before.
April and Rachel-Anne (Miss Deseret and first attendant) were both going to KSL to advertise for the ball. and they both were wearing their ball gowns. THEY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! All the sudden my nice dress seemed so...plain. I didn't even want to think about having to stand next to them. I did not want to go to the ball anymore. I didn't tell anyone at the park that. But when i clocked in and went to my site, i was almost ready to cry.
Part way through the day I got a text from Tate, asking if i could help him with something that evening. I said sure. He said he just needed some help running errands. So around five he finds me in the basement of the hospital (thats where the employee lounge is) and we head out. As we are getting to his car he says we were going to get taffy. (i wondered why he needed help getting taffy, but i though "whatever")
We start driving and soon we pull into a parking lot. The sign on the door says "Hale Centre Theatre" He puts the car in park and says "So surprise, we are getting you a ball gown."
I was speechless. There have been very few times in my life that I have not been able to find words at all. This was one of those few times. He said something along the lines of after seeing April and Rachel-Anne he could not let me go to the Ball in the second hand dress they already had for me, so we were here getting me a real ball gown. So he went to my other 2 bosses and said "we are getting her a dress, she deserves this."
I have the best bosses in the entire world. They agreed that I deserved a dress. No one has ever gotten me a dress. I literally was in shock. That, i guess, is the secret to getting me to accept things. don't tell me about it, just do it and when i'm in to much shock to say no, i just follow along.
So we head inside, and the lady at the front desk takes us upstairs and I'm just following along. She takes us to the civil war area and Tate starts pulling dresses. we take them to the changing room and I start trying them on.
The first one i could get the skirt done up. The second one i could get the skirt done up, but i couldn't really breathe. I started putting the top on and I managed to button it up, but i was so squished. (big chests make dresses hard) Around that point Tate had come back from getting more dresses and asks how we were doing so far. I came out to show him the one. Essentially i said i could get it on, but i can't really breathe or move. We both knew the chest was an issue. All though he described them funnier than anyone else ever has. I don't remember what led up to it, but he said something along the lines of "it's because your, Vah Vah Voom." (Tate is also gay, which is why this comment didn't offend me. coming from a straight guy, he would have been slapped)
So we're trying and trying. And they come back with this greenish-turquoisish one. And the top fits. So we try on the skirt. which fits, minus being to long. but what else is new? So we put me in this massive hoop skirt. And it fits, and it looks good. (keeping in mind, during this whole process i am still in shock. i can't register whether it looks good or not) they go to make one more sweep and some back, i had found a sash by the hangers this dress was on and asked if it was part of it. It was, they tied it on and i looked in the mirror. I couldn't believe what a difference the sash made. I actually had a waist line. I liked it. I just couldn't process. Tate decided this was the one we were getting, and we were lucky. It actually went with my skin tone really nicely. Its one of those colors that can actually wash people out.
So we are down, the park rents my dress for me, we drive back to the park so i can get my car.
I immediately drive to wal-mart and get thank you cards for all 3 of my bosses. The next morning, i went to work early because i was making soup for the girls for when we were getting ready for the ball the next night. and soup I can leave in a crock pot all day. We also had an early morning pageant rehearsal. so between making the soup and running to the bowery for rehearsal i slipped the card into the offices/ cubicles of the respective recipients.
We then proceed to rehearse for the pageant, talents, dances, walking. all of it. after it, i quickly change and start heading up to my site for the day. As i'm getting to my site, my boss Cliff drives by on his golf cart and pulls over and says "you really are a beauty queen." It was so simple, and yet that meant the world to me.
Then the ball came. April did my hair, maddi did my make-up, i got into my dress. I got lucky, and my pearls went amazing with the dress. Then all of us went up to the ball. We get there, dad liked my dress. But it was funny, i couldn't really dance in it. Even in my heels, it was to long. but it was still so much fun. I had one lady come up to me and say that she thought that i had the most beautiful dress in the room. a little girl came and asked if I was Cinderella.
We went to dinner in our costumes after the ball, and while we were waiting for a table people started talking about the ball. I heard someone mention that a little girl had asked if I was cinderella and someone else said "You really were the Belle of the ball."
I know all of this seems shallow, but that dress meant so much to me. That my bosses were willing to do that to make sure i looked as incredible as i could for just one night. I really don't know if they ever will really know how much it meant to me. and how many times i almost cried over it, because it honestly touched me so much.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
since it's been awhile.
I know it's been awhile. But I'll be honest. It's been a really rough summer, emotionally. And I haven't wanted to write anything because I don't even know how to word things anymore.
China was INCREDIBLE!!!! I would love to go back someday. I loved the people. And it was a beautiful place.
I love my job! I don't love that they cut hours, but I love my job.
Also at my job, this year they are hosting the first annual Miss Deseret pageant. Which your's truly got roped into doing. Jordan is laughing at me, cause I just really don't want to do it.
Is it really so wrong that I don't want to be the center of attention? Why does there have to be something wrong with it? I can't put into words why I don't want it. I just don't. I don't really want to walk across the stage and smile and wave and whatever. but it's what i get to do, so i guess i'll just get over it.
i don't really have much to say. to many things that i've been learning i don't know how to explain without back story. so i guess i'll try to write more often and pick up where i am now. but this is kind of it for tonight. sorry.
China was INCREDIBLE!!!! I would love to go back someday. I loved the people. And it was a beautiful place.
I love my job! I don't love that they cut hours, but I love my job.
Also at my job, this year they are hosting the first annual Miss Deseret pageant. Which your's truly got roped into doing. Jordan is laughing at me, cause I just really don't want to do it.
Is it really so wrong that I don't want to be the center of attention? Why does there have to be something wrong with it? I can't put into words why I don't want it. I just don't. I don't really want to walk across the stage and smile and wave and whatever. but it's what i get to do, so i guess i'll just get over it.
i don't really have much to say. to many things that i've been learning i don't know how to explain without back story. so i guess i'll try to write more often and pick up where i am now. but this is kind of it for tonight. sorry.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Chronicles of a former writer.
I had this really sad realization hit me in english today.
I used to be a writer.
I don't know what happened, i don't know what changed.
When i was in Jr. High and High school I had multiple teachers tell me if i never put my name on my paper, they would still know it was mine. I had a very distinct voice, i took creative writing classes and always had A's. If there was something other than a research paper due in regular english, i took some of the highest scores in class. In the journals we would keep i wrote far beyond the required amount of entries, and drastically more than my other peers. I wrote a one- act that was performed my senior year, and I was paid for. I was never anywhere without a notebook.
I came to college, still never going anywhere without a notebook. New ideas were constantly buzzing around my head. My changing life and new perspectives constantly starting another story. I had more titles than any writer ever needed, just waiting to add a story to those titles. waiting to bring those characters to life.
I started a blog so that I could write my random thoughts, that were still me writing, but didn't really belong in a story, at least yet, i had no where to put them.
Then something changed.
My blog has slowly turned into more of a journal than the musings of a writer. I sometimes don't have a writing notebook on me at all. I don't remember the last time i started a new story. And now in english, i am barely passing. and my paper is not receiving the grades it should, because i am not writing worthy of the grades i could get the grades i use to get.
Today i realized, i have lost my voice.
somewhere in the last 2 years, i lost my voice. I don't know what happened. Is it simply because of my major i didn't have time to worry about other things? Where could it have gone?
use it o lose it. how many times in life have we been told that? i stopped using it. and now i lost it. is there any chance of me finding it again? i mean, voices change. understandably. but, to completely lose the writing voice i use to have? is that normal? does that happen to other writers?
Now i'm not going to say my voice was ever spectacular and amazing, where every word from my mouth deserved to be published. But i wasn't terrible. I could hold my own. and for a high schooler, i wasn't t shabby.
I use to not be afraid of taking risks, trying new genres, trying new ideas. I liked to write stories about the uncomfortable emotions that we as humans don't like feeling. I wanted to write things that would make someone feel.
I learned my favorite genre to write was scripts, because i loved dialogue. I didn't like having to try and find sentences to blur them all together. I liked having the words. I wanted characters to SAY the words of wisdom i felt the world should hear.
I wanted to put out new ideas, and see what the world would think of them. Iw anted to make people think. But i wanted to make them think with their hearts, not just their heads.
But i can't do that anymore. I can't write a simple paper for an english 2010 class. I get the points for doing it. but i can't paint a picture like i use to. I can't make you taste the cookies. I can only seem to write you the recipe. No one wants to read the recipe. you want to eat the cookie.
I don't even like reading my most recent blog posts. it's turned into a mere travel log.
not that my first ones were spectacular. but i had a different voice.
Where did Amanda Marie's voice go? (that was my pen name. Amanda Marie)
It made me truly sad to realize.
i use to be a writer.
I used to be a writer.
I don't know what happened, i don't know what changed.
When i was in Jr. High and High school I had multiple teachers tell me if i never put my name on my paper, they would still know it was mine. I had a very distinct voice, i took creative writing classes and always had A's. If there was something other than a research paper due in regular english, i took some of the highest scores in class. In the journals we would keep i wrote far beyond the required amount of entries, and drastically more than my other peers. I wrote a one- act that was performed my senior year, and I was paid for. I was never anywhere without a notebook.
I came to college, still never going anywhere without a notebook. New ideas were constantly buzzing around my head. My changing life and new perspectives constantly starting another story. I had more titles than any writer ever needed, just waiting to add a story to those titles. waiting to bring those characters to life.
I started a blog so that I could write my random thoughts, that were still me writing, but didn't really belong in a story, at least yet, i had no where to put them.
Then something changed.
My blog has slowly turned into more of a journal than the musings of a writer. I sometimes don't have a writing notebook on me at all. I don't remember the last time i started a new story. And now in english, i am barely passing. and my paper is not receiving the grades it should, because i am not writing worthy of the grades i could get the grades i use to get.
Today i realized, i have lost my voice.
somewhere in the last 2 years, i lost my voice. I don't know what happened. Is it simply because of my major i didn't have time to worry about other things? Where could it have gone?
use it o lose it. how many times in life have we been told that? i stopped using it. and now i lost it. is there any chance of me finding it again? i mean, voices change. understandably. but, to completely lose the writing voice i use to have? is that normal? does that happen to other writers?
Now i'm not going to say my voice was ever spectacular and amazing, where every word from my mouth deserved to be published. But i wasn't terrible. I could hold my own. and for a high schooler, i wasn't t shabby.
I use to not be afraid of taking risks, trying new genres, trying new ideas. I liked to write stories about the uncomfortable emotions that we as humans don't like feeling. I wanted to write things that would make someone feel.
I learned my favorite genre to write was scripts, because i loved dialogue. I didn't like having to try and find sentences to blur them all together. I liked having the words. I wanted characters to SAY the words of wisdom i felt the world should hear.
I wanted to put out new ideas, and see what the world would think of them. Iw anted to make people think. But i wanted to make them think with their hearts, not just their heads.
But i can't do that anymore. I can't write a simple paper for an english 2010 class. I get the points for doing it. but i can't paint a picture like i use to. I can't make you taste the cookies. I can only seem to write you the recipe. No one wants to read the recipe. you want to eat the cookie.
I don't even like reading my most recent blog posts. it's turned into a mere travel log.
not that my first ones were spectacular. but i had a different voice.
Where did Amanda Marie's voice go? (that was my pen name. Amanda Marie)
It made me truly sad to realize.
i use to be a writer.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy easter
Happy Easter!
I love Easter. I love being reminded of the atonement. I love how much I've learned about the atonement. I love My Saviour.
I think I have to start spelling it that way now, thank you Jordan.
My dear friend Jordan served his mission in England, where Savior is spelled with a "U" in it. Saviour.
Want to know why he, and now I, like it more that way?
SaviOUR, he was OUR savior. He atoned for us, and giving us the opportunity to be saved. The opportunity to repent. Oh, it is wonderful.
And thats my Easter thought.
Easter was indeed good.
I went over to my grandma's today. She was speaking in church, the first time she has been asked to speak in church since grandpa died. I'm glad she was speaking on the atonement. Then we spent the afternoon together, just chatting, had dinner, sent me home with a lot of food.
I love going to grandma's.
Then went and played with some friends. I love my friends.
Now my mind is back on Easter. It's such an incredible thing.
The atonement is such an amazing thing. The Saviour coming from the tomb, is incredible.
I'm glad we have Easter.
I love Easter. I love being reminded of the atonement. I love how much I've learned about the atonement. I love My Saviour.
I think I have to start spelling it that way now, thank you Jordan.
My dear friend Jordan served his mission in England, where Savior is spelled with a "U" in it. Saviour.
Want to know why he, and now I, like it more that way?
SaviOUR, he was OUR savior. He atoned for us, and giving us the opportunity to be saved. The opportunity to repent. Oh, it is wonderful.
And thats my Easter thought.
Easter was indeed good.
I went over to my grandma's today. She was speaking in church, the first time she has been asked to speak in church since grandpa died. I'm glad she was speaking on the atonement. Then we spent the afternoon together, just chatting, had dinner, sent me home with a lot of food.
I love going to grandma's.
Then went and played with some friends. I love my friends.
Now my mind is back on Easter. It's such an incredible thing.
The atonement is such an amazing thing. The Saviour coming from the tomb, is incredible.
I'm glad we have Easter.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Spring Break 2012
So about 3 weeks ago we had spring break. and 3 weeks ago i had every intention of writing about it. I'm finally getting to it now. Sorry, it's been an interesting couple of weeks.
So Friday, the last day of school, I had one morning class, which made life wonderful. So that evening we (as in Me, Jordan, Becca and Adam) were headed down to Salt Lake. Both the boys served their missions in England and there was a "chippy" in salt lake they wanted to go to. Which also had a bunch of imported British stuff, such as chocolate. Jordan was a happy person. So after we are done eating at the "chippy" (which Adam gave me and Jordan the wrong address. So it took awhile to get there.) Jordan, Becca and me get in Jordan's car and head to Price, where we will be staying with Jordan's family for the weekend. The funny part of that was originally there wasn't suppose to be anyone around. Then, unexpectedly, some cousins that he had only met once in his life cause they live in (i think) Arkansas, came to visit. So I ended up meeting, literally, his whole family. But it was great fun.
That first Saturday was Jordan's Birthday, which was also great fun. Sunday, we went to Sacrament at Jordans home ward, and later in the day we watched a disney movie...of questionable legality...called Song of the South. Now i'm gonna say something. IT WAS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!! WHY IS IT ILLEGAL IN THE US??? oh right, cause people love to find ways to get offended and take everything racist. It was still a great movie. :) Also that night, Adam joined us.
So, Monday morning we pack up the Adams car and we start the drive down to St. George. I thought it was a fairly fun car ride. Me and Jordan taught Becca and Adam that in the song "dynamite" they say "gotta let go" not "Galileo". Passing through Cedar we stopped to see my sister for a few minutes, where of course we ended up wrestling. I didn't know we were going for cheap shots or I would have fought differently. She got me in a choke hold and then literally started choking me, so I had to tap out.
We are almost to St. George when we realize something...we forgot to bring any cooking supplies what-so-ever. we had 2 roasting sticks. we felt like geniuses. So our menu changed a little, although Adam did go buy a griddle and spatula for himself, which he generously shared. So we made it work. Then we spent the remainder of the evening chatting, looking at stars, and staying warm. While we were sleeping I WAS FREEZING!!!!!!! I get cold every spring break, i don't know why i expect this to change. Also, tangent, so the campsite we stayed at had showers...Because the BOYS wanted showers. I laughed inside a little.
So the next morning we wake up, and I go for a walk by the lake. I usually don't invite people along on my morning walks because i never know how long they are going to be, or where I'm going, sometimes people think this means i need time to myself, and sometimes that's true. But so I'm walking, i eventually turn around and walk back to camp. When I get there, Jordan and Adam are gone. I ask Becca where they went, she said they went looking for me. I told her I was just taking a walk. Than I can't remember all the words exchanged, but something about how they weren't to worried about me and Jordan said something about If we hear about a bear mauling, we'll pray for the bear. (i know thats not exactly how it was said, but I can't remember what she said exactly) Then Adam and Jordan get back. I ask them where they were "looking for you, but we found you" they had seen me walking, so they knew i was alive.
Around this time we made lunch and headed into St. George to go play on rocks, and go see the temple. So we get to St. George rock (or whatever it's called) and we go climb around for awhile. I'm not the biggest fan of heights, but i love climbing around on things, it's weird. Me and Adam found this thing that we lovingly call "the hot tub" It was a big circle thing in one of the rocks. We ended up sitting in there and chatting for awhile. Then joined back up with Jordan and Becaa. We then left to go get shakes and go to the temple. The St. George temple has a visitors center which we...visited... we all felt so weird going in there dressed up in camper attire, having just climbed around on rocks. We were so bummed, if we had gone to visitors center first we might would have met President Uchtdorf! (who, p.s., changed ties between every session of conference.) It was so nice to walk around the temple grounds. We then went back to camp and started making dinner. FOIL DINNERS! yum. we chatted, ate s'mores, sang songs. Just had fun. The next morning, i went for another walk, not nearly as long this time. And then we started packing up camp.
So, catching up, it's now Wednesday. And we have 2 more people joining us. Jordan's friend Boyd, and Becca's friend Kelsie. So we get packed and situated in cars and we start heading down to Las Vegas! I was in the car with Jordan and Boyd. (Boyd likes the gas pedal.) We head to the outlet malls. which was funny, the boys wanted to shop so much longer than the girls. I have weird guy friends, but I love them with everything in me and I wouldn't trade them for the world. (plus i make them take me shopping and i start looking much nicer) The original plan in Vegas was to stay in Adams friends backyard, but we felt kind of bad dumping 2 extra people on them, when they were already a family of six. So three of us went and split a hotel room on the strip. (i secretly liked staying in a bed and being warm).
Thursday was spent exploring the strip. Which was fun, we ended up splitting up so the boys could go shopping and the girls went and saw all the free sights. When we all met up again we watched the fountains at the Belagio and WE TOTALLY MET AN IRISH GUY!!! It was cool. We went to go see Fremont Street as well. (i don't actually care if I ever go to Fremont Street again.
Friday morning we got up and went to the Vegas Temple before we headed back home. I love walking the Temple grounds, i can't wait to go inside someday.
Once we got back to Salt Lake we stopped off in Bountiful where I met up with my friend Nelson, he got back from his mission in October and I hadn't got to see him yet. Him and his old mission companion drove me back up to Logan and spent the night.
Saturday my friend Mike got married!!!!!! I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!!!!
So that was my spring break, it would have been a much better story if I had remembered to write it three weeks ago while it was still fresh, but it was a very fun trip. I love adventures with friends. :)
So Friday, the last day of school, I had one morning class, which made life wonderful. So that evening we (as in Me, Jordan, Becca and Adam) were headed down to Salt Lake. Both the boys served their missions in England and there was a "chippy" in salt lake they wanted to go to. Which also had a bunch of imported British stuff, such as chocolate. Jordan was a happy person. So after we are done eating at the "chippy" (which Adam gave me and Jordan the wrong address. So it took awhile to get there.) Jordan, Becca and me get in Jordan's car and head to Price, where we will be staying with Jordan's family for the weekend. The funny part of that was originally there wasn't suppose to be anyone around. Then, unexpectedly, some cousins that he had only met once in his life cause they live in (i think) Arkansas, came to visit. So I ended up meeting, literally, his whole family. But it was great fun.
That first Saturday was Jordan's Birthday, which was also great fun. Sunday, we went to Sacrament at Jordans home ward, and later in the day we watched a disney movie...of questionable legality...called Song of the South. Now i'm gonna say something. IT WAS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!! WHY IS IT ILLEGAL IN THE US??? oh right, cause people love to find ways to get offended and take everything racist. It was still a great movie. :) Also that night, Adam joined us.
So, Monday morning we pack up the Adams car and we start the drive down to St. George. I thought it was a fairly fun car ride. Me and Jordan taught Becca and Adam that in the song "dynamite" they say "gotta let go" not "Galileo". Passing through Cedar we stopped to see my sister for a few minutes, where of course we ended up wrestling. I didn't know we were going for cheap shots or I would have fought differently. She got me in a choke hold and then literally started choking me, so I had to tap out.
We are almost to St. George when we realize something...we forgot to bring any cooking supplies what-so-ever. we had 2 roasting sticks. we felt like geniuses. So our menu changed a little, although Adam did go buy a griddle and spatula for himself, which he generously shared. So we made it work. Then we spent the remainder of the evening chatting, looking at stars, and staying warm. While we were sleeping I WAS FREEZING!!!!!!! I get cold every spring break, i don't know why i expect this to change. Also, tangent, so the campsite we stayed at had showers...Because the BOYS wanted showers. I laughed inside a little.
So the next morning we wake up, and I go for a walk by the lake. I usually don't invite people along on my morning walks because i never know how long they are going to be, or where I'm going, sometimes people think this means i need time to myself, and sometimes that's true. But so I'm walking, i eventually turn around and walk back to camp. When I get there, Jordan and Adam are gone. I ask Becca where they went, she said they went looking for me. I told her I was just taking a walk. Than I can't remember all the words exchanged, but something about how they weren't to worried about me and Jordan said something about If we hear about a bear mauling, we'll pray for the bear. (i know thats not exactly how it was said, but I can't remember what she said exactly) Then Adam and Jordan get back. I ask them where they were "looking for you, but we found you" they had seen me walking, so they knew i was alive.
Around this time we made lunch and headed into St. George to go play on rocks, and go see the temple. So we get to St. George rock (or whatever it's called) and we go climb around for awhile. I'm not the biggest fan of heights, but i love climbing around on things, it's weird. Me and Adam found this thing that we lovingly call "the hot tub" It was a big circle thing in one of the rocks. We ended up sitting in there and chatting for awhile. Then joined back up with Jordan and Becaa. We then left to go get shakes and go to the temple. The St. George temple has a visitors center which we...visited... we all felt so weird going in there dressed up in camper attire, having just climbed around on rocks. We were so bummed, if we had gone to visitors center first we might would have met President Uchtdorf! (who, p.s., changed ties between every session of conference.) It was so nice to walk around the temple grounds. We then went back to camp and started making dinner. FOIL DINNERS! yum. we chatted, ate s'mores, sang songs. Just had fun. The next morning, i went for another walk, not nearly as long this time. And then we started packing up camp.
So, catching up, it's now Wednesday. And we have 2 more people joining us. Jordan's friend Boyd, and Becca's friend Kelsie. So we get packed and situated in cars and we start heading down to Las Vegas! I was in the car with Jordan and Boyd. (Boyd likes the gas pedal.) We head to the outlet malls. which was funny, the boys wanted to shop so much longer than the girls. I have weird guy friends, but I love them with everything in me and I wouldn't trade them for the world. (plus i make them take me shopping and i start looking much nicer) The original plan in Vegas was to stay in Adams friends backyard, but we felt kind of bad dumping 2 extra people on them, when they were already a family of six. So three of us went and split a hotel room on the strip. (i secretly liked staying in a bed and being warm).
Thursday was spent exploring the strip. Which was fun, we ended up splitting up so the boys could go shopping and the girls went and saw all the free sights. When we all met up again we watched the fountains at the Belagio and WE TOTALLY MET AN IRISH GUY!!! It was cool. We went to go see Fremont Street as well. (i don't actually care if I ever go to Fremont Street again.
Friday morning we got up and went to the Vegas Temple before we headed back home. I love walking the Temple grounds, i can't wait to go inside someday.
Once we got back to Salt Lake we stopped off in Bountiful where I met up with my friend Nelson, he got back from his mission in October and I hadn't got to see him yet. Him and his old mission companion drove me back up to Logan and spent the night.
Saturday my friend Mike got married!!!!!! I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!!!!
So that was my spring break, it would have been a much better story if I had remembered to write it three weeks ago while it was still fresh, but it was a very fun trip. I love adventures with friends. :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Made of glass
Ever wonder how different life would be if we were all made of glass?
What if everyone could see how broken we really are? How many cracks and chips we've got in us, how many times we've had to be glued back together.
What would you do if you could see how broken your friend was? What if you said something, and you saw a crack get a little longer? What if you realized every time you hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally?
What if you saw how fragile everyone really is?
People are so very good at hiding. We all have walls we put up so people can't see us. None of us are very good at being vulnerable. You never know how broken the person next to you really is. But one thing I've learned about life is that everybody is a little broken. Everybody has cracks and chips.
What if you were made of glass, and you saw how something you said made one of your cracks grow? What if there was a measurable way to see how much damage we do to ourselves?
How would we react when someone said something and we saw one of our own cracks grow?
What if we were made aware of how fragile we really are?
Imagine how different it would be if we could see our friends falling apart, and they couldn't hide it from us. You could help put them back together so much earlier than when they finally melt down and can't take it. You could show them what they are doing to themselves, and they couldn't just deny it.
Maybe life would be better if we were all made of glass. Maybe we would handle people with better care, remembering how fragile people are.
Maybe we should just learn how fragile people are, and handle them with care anyway.
What if everyone could see how broken we really are? How many cracks and chips we've got in us, how many times we've had to be glued back together.
What would you do if you could see how broken your friend was? What if you said something, and you saw a crack get a little longer? What if you realized every time you hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally?
What if you saw how fragile everyone really is?
People are so very good at hiding. We all have walls we put up so people can't see us. None of us are very good at being vulnerable. You never know how broken the person next to you really is. But one thing I've learned about life is that everybody is a little broken. Everybody has cracks and chips.
What if you were made of glass, and you saw how something you said made one of your cracks grow? What if there was a measurable way to see how much damage we do to ourselves?
How would we react when someone said something and we saw one of our own cracks grow?
What if we were made aware of how fragile we really are?
Imagine how different it would be if we could see our friends falling apart, and they couldn't hide it from us. You could help put them back together so much earlier than when they finally melt down and can't take it. You could show them what they are doing to themselves, and they couldn't just deny it.
Maybe life would be better if we were all made of glass. Maybe we would handle people with better care, remembering how fragile people are.
Maybe we should just learn how fragile people are, and handle them with care anyway.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A person is a person
So today in my english class 2 things happened. At the beginning of class, our teacher decided she wanted us a learn a little about perspective, so we all had to find a new spot in class to sit (at least 5 seats away from where we currently were sitting) and had to sit by someone we had never sat by in class before. Now considering my last couple of weeks, this change was not a huge deal to me, and I decided to take it a little farther and go dead poets on her. I moved across the classroom, up a few rows and sat on the table. Best part, she thought it was great. So i got to sit on the table the entire class. I also happened to find the heater right by it, which is where i ended up resting my feet. life was warm. :)
I don't know why i love sitting on tables, but I always have. Maybe because i don't usually reach the floor very well in chairs, i don't know. So my backpack sat on the chair and I sat on the table.
Then we got into our class discussion about the reading. And a lot of it came back to prejudices and accepting people ad stuff like that. The moral of class today was perspective.
That is something I feel a lot of people lack, which is so sad. There is such an amazing power behind perspective. But people I think are afraid to remember that people are people. No matter what else.
It makes me sad how judgmental people can be. And i'm sorry, but mormons are some of the worst offenders. They feel like even looking at something form a perspective other than what they believe means that they are accepting it. Which is not true. I mean honestly, look at some of our beliefs. Don't misunderstand, I believe in my faith with everything in me. It is my salvation, it is what keeps me sane. It is what brings me peace. But I've been able to look at it from other peoples eyes and I can see why people think we are strange. We have some very weird beliefs. Not that they are hurting anyone, intentionally at least. But that is exactly the same for other religions. I think Jews have some very interesting beliefs, but they can be some of the nicest people you've ever met.
perspective.
Why do people have to judge? Why does it matter what someone is? I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, purple, Jewish, Catholic, a slow runner, a fast reader, a mechanic, a teacher, a doctor, whatever. The point is we are all people, and we deserve to be treated as such.
Now, bringing my faith into it. Even more than we are all people, we are all Children of God. So why should it matter?
Here is the other weird part of life, if you love people, you don't treat them the same. I know that sounds so backwards, but honestly, I am so grateful my parents didn't treat me and my sister the same. She always had a curfew, she sometimes had issues keeping it, but if she didn't have one who knows what time of day she would have come home. Me on the other hand, i never had a curfew. I didn't need one, I got myself home at a reasonable time. If I was going to be later than usual, I called and told my mom.
Basically, i know this isn't one of my more eloquent and well thought out entries, but it's whats on my mind. One thing I've learned in life is that people are all the same. We have the same needs. We need food, water, shelter. Above everything else, we need love.
Once we learn how we are all the same, we can understand how we are all different. And that is when we can start learning how to love each other. That is when the fear will leave. Cause thats usually what it boils down to.
And one more thing I've learned. Pure love will always cast out fear.
I don't know why i love sitting on tables, but I always have. Maybe because i don't usually reach the floor very well in chairs, i don't know. So my backpack sat on the chair and I sat on the table.
Then we got into our class discussion about the reading. And a lot of it came back to prejudices and accepting people ad stuff like that. The moral of class today was perspective.
That is something I feel a lot of people lack, which is so sad. There is such an amazing power behind perspective. But people I think are afraid to remember that people are people. No matter what else.
It makes me sad how judgmental people can be. And i'm sorry, but mormons are some of the worst offenders. They feel like even looking at something form a perspective other than what they believe means that they are accepting it. Which is not true. I mean honestly, look at some of our beliefs. Don't misunderstand, I believe in my faith with everything in me. It is my salvation, it is what keeps me sane. It is what brings me peace. But I've been able to look at it from other peoples eyes and I can see why people think we are strange. We have some very weird beliefs. Not that they are hurting anyone, intentionally at least. But that is exactly the same for other religions. I think Jews have some very interesting beliefs, but they can be some of the nicest people you've ever met.
perspective.
Why do people have to judge? Why does it matter what someone is? I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, purple, Jewish, Catholic, a slow runner, a fast reader, a mechanic, a teacher, a doctor, whatever. The point is we are all people, and we deserve to be treated as such.
Now, bringing my faith into it. Even more than we are all people, we are all Children of God. So why should it matter?
Here is the other weird part of life, if you love people, you don't treat them the same. I know that sounds so backwards, but honestly, I am so grateful my parents didn't treat me and my sister the same. She always had a curfew, she sometimes had issues keeping it, but if she didn't have one who knows what time of day she would have come home. Me on the other hand, i never had a curfew. I didn't need one, I got myself home at a reasonable time. If I was going to be later than usual, I called and told my mom.
Basically, i know this isn't one of my more eloquent and well thought out entries, but it's whats on my mind. One thing I've learned in life is that people are all the same. We have the same needs. We need food, water, shelter. Above everything else, we need love.
Once we learn how we are all the same, we can understand how we are all different. And that is when we can start learning how to love each other. That is when the fear will leave. Cause thats usually what it boils down to.
And one more thing I've learned. Pure love will always cast out fear.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
No matter what.
In the last few weeks I've had multiple friends come to me with multiple problems. I love that they trust me and know that I won't judge, cause a lot of Mormons have this judging and gossiping problem. I've learned something incredible through all of this.
I thought I understood how love worked, ya know, as much as any 21 year old whose never been in love could have. I was completely wrong.
There is absolutely no way to comprehend the Savior's love for us, or the Fathers love for us. It is wonderful and good they are.
As my friends have been coming to me there have been times where I have thought "I would give anything to take away this pain. Anything at all." And it's true, I would give my life, I would take their trials on me if I could. But I can't. I love them so much, and all I can do is hold them. But I can't take there trials on myself.
And then it hit me.
That is exactly what the Savior did for us. He was the only one who could. And he loved us so much that he went to Gethsemane and atoned for us. He was the only one who could take all of our trials. Not just our sins, but our heartaches, our trials, our pain, our sorrows our everything. He took every last bit of it on himself and suffered beyond anything we can imagine. And because of that, we can become whole. Through every heartache, and every time we mess up; it isn't fire and brimstone and Damnation to Hell. It's "My child, I love you. No matter what mistakes you make. I love you. Through all the trials I am here waiting to help you and life you up. If you can turn your pain over to me, I am here. I love you no matter what."
I can't believe how incredible the goodness of our God is. How no matter who I am, what I've done. He loves me no matter what. I can not even imagine it. I have to step back and ask myself "Could I?" If there was someone who was cursing my name, who hurt someone I love, who was making terrible mistakes. Could I look at them and say "I love you. I am waiting to help you." I don't think I could with everybody, I am still that natural man.
But I know that there are many people I do know I could say that too. "You've been given this trial. But I still know you. And I love you no matter what."
I'm not perfect, no where near it. So I would just like to publicly proclaim how much I love my Lord and Savior. How grateful I am for every gift and trial they have given me. How when I start doubting anything, they are still there. When I can't do it anymore, they are ready to take me pains as soon as I give them over to them. I do not deserve the love they give me. I pray to learn to a love like that for everyone, not just my friends and family.
It is wonderful. And I love my Lord and Savior. And they love you too. If you listen very close, you will hear them tell you, and you feel everyday, anytime you need it. "I love you no matter what."
I thought I understood how love worked, ya know, as much as any 21 year old whose never been in love could have. I was completely wrong.
There is absolutely no way to comprehend the Savior's love for us, or the Fathers love for us. It is wonderful and good they are.
As my friends have been coming to me there have been times where I have thought "I would give anything to take away this pain. Anything at all." And it's true, I would give my life, I would take their trials on me if I could. But I can't. I love them so much, and all I can do is hold them. But I can't take there trials on myself.
And then it hit me.
That is exactly what the Savior did for us. He was the only one who could. And he loved us so much that he went to Gethsemane and atoned for us. He was the only one who could take all of our trials. Not just our sins, but our heartaches, our trials, our pain, our sorrows our everything. He took every last bit of it on himself and suffered beyond anything we can imagine. And because of that, we can become whole. Through every heartache, and every time we mess up; it isn't fire and brimstone and Damnation to Hell. It's "My child, I love you. No matter what mistakes you make. I love you. Through all the trials I am here waiting to help you and life you up. If you can turn your pain over to me, I am here. I love you no matter what."
I can't believe how incredible the goodness of our God is. How no matter who I am, what I've done. He loves me no matter what. I can not even imagine it. I have to step back and ask myself "Could I?" If there was someone who was cursing my name, who hurt someone I love, who was making terrible mistakes. Could I look at them and say "I love you. I am waiting to help you." I don't think I could with everybody, I am still that natural man.
But I know that there are many people I do know I could say that too. "You've been given this trial. But I still know you. And I love you no matter what."
I'm not perfect, no where near it. So I would just like to publicly proclaim how much I love my Lord and Savior. How grateful I am for every gift and trial they have given me. How when I start doubting anything, they are still there. When I can't do it anymore, they are ready to take me pains as soon as I give them over to them. I do not deserve the love they give me. I pray to learn to a love like that for everyone, not just my friends and family.
It is wonderful. And I love my Lord and Savior. And they love you too. If you listen very close, you will hear them tell you, and you feel everyday, anytime you need it. "I love you no matter what."
Friday, February 10, 2012
seat belt fastened.
I'm sorry it's been so long. And I've even had some good thoughts lately, but it's remembering them long enough to come post.
I've had a lot going on. And I wasn't okay for a few weeks there, i was constantly freaking out in my head, I was anxious and I was feeling so inadequate in so many aspects of life.
I finally had a complete melt-down a few weeks ago.
But I'm doing better now. I've got some amazing friends and a very supportive family.
At one point i decided I needed to let my best friend back in, I've kind of subconsciously been closing random people out. I didn't want anyone to know how messed up I was. But I had cut off one of my best friends. I mean, we still chatted and talked on a daily basis, but I was trying to not let anyone see the hurt and confusion i was going through. And right now, selfish as it is, the last thing i need to do is distance myself from people, especially best friends. So I went over to his place and dumped a lot of crap on him. And he listened. he made me feel better.
then the next day we had seminaries, and i got to go almost all day. :) IT WAS AMAZING!!!! I love being able to go to the seminaries. And i somehow managed to spit water in my own face, still trying to figure that one out.
That sunday, ELDER HOLLAND CAME AND SPOKE AT THE SPECTRUM!!!! it was pretty amazing. i got to sing in the choir for it.
Basically, life has been full of adventures, but I think I've finally got my seat belt more secure. Instead of hanging onto the safety bar for dear life, afraid of dying or drowning.
I'm taking it one day at a time, and all my old problems are still here, but I've been given some perspective and a little bit of courage to go forward.
And i've been given laughter. The ability to laugh with my friends. and we laugh a lot, we have a wonderful time together, always. I cannot believe these incredible, wonderful weird-o's that I call my friends. I am so grateful to them, and the smiles they always bring me.
I've had a lot going on. And I wasn't okay for a few weeks there, i was constantly freaking out in my head, I was anxious and I was feeling so inadequate in so many aspects of life.
I finally had a complete melt-down a few weeks ago.
But I'm doing better now. I've got some amazing friends and a very supportive family.
At one point i decided I needed to let my best friend back in, I've kind of subconsciously been closing random people out. I didn't want anyone to know how messed up I was. But I had cut off one of my best friends. I mean, we still chatted and talked on a daily basis, but I was trying to not let anyone see the hurt and confusion i was going through. And right now, selfish as it is, the last thing i need to do is distance myself from people, especially best friends. So I went over to his place and dumped a lot of crap on him. And he listened. he made me feel better.
then the next day we had seminaries, and i got to go almost all day. :) IT WAS AMAZING!!!! I love being able to go to the seminaries. And i somehow managed to spit water in my own face, still trying to figure that one out.
That sunday, ELDER HOLLAND CAME AND SPOKE AT THE SPECTRUM!!!! it was pretty amazing. i got to sing in the choir for it.
Basically, life has been full of adventures, but I think I've finally got my seat belt more secure. Instead of hanging onto the safety bar for dear life, afraid of dying or drowning.
I'm taking it one day at a time, and all my old problems are still here, but I've been given some perspective and a little bit of courage to go forward.
And i've been given laughter. The ability to laugh with my friends. and we laugh a lot, we have a wonderful time together, always. I cannot believe these incredible, wonderful weird-o's that I call my friends. I am so grateful to them, and the smiles they always bring me.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
21 birthdays
I have now celebrated 21 birthdays in my life. And this one was so much fun. I didn't do anything epic like go get drunk or sneak over the canadian border. (although we did talk about that one) But on my actual birthday i did almost nothing. I went to classes, saw my grandma and after LDV went to the blue bird with some friends. But it was wonderful.
Than last night I had my annual invite everyone i know over and make fried rice party. thats what i do for my birthday. and everyone thinks it's so weird that i feed everybody, but i get so much joy out of it.
First I found out that my friend Brad was coming up from Provo. I STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN WHEN HE TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i haven't seen him in so long and I couldn't wait. than i started making dinner. Jordan was the first to arrive, followed by kelton. And then Jon, and i think adam after that. I have so many guy friends, the only time they beat everyone is when your offering free food, which i was. I had so many guys there, i thought it was great. finally girls started showing up. MY OLD ROOMMATE RYLEE CAME AND SURPRISED ME!!!! i literally squealed and ran across the apartment full of people and practically jumped on her. i was so excited.
around 8:30 i finally let Rachel make one batch of rice, in the time it took her to make one, i probably could have made 2 or 3. but a lot of people were done eating by that point. so i went to socialize, i ended up in a cuddle thing with Landon a couple of times. but mostly we just chatted and it was fun. Arounf mid-night everyone decided they wanted to make a subway run, (there is a 24 hour subway down the street from where i live) i was told that i was coming. even though i didn't get anything, i had been coughing all day so my throat was really hurting.
but we get there and everyone keeps laughing and we're going for like 2 hours. I felt bad by the end, i was so tired. And when i get tired i go one of 2 ways really hyper or really grumpy and for some reason the grumpy was coming out, i think it's because it hurt my throat to much to laugh. so at one point i ended up separtating myself from the group, just kind of cause i knew i needed to cool off before i got angry for no reason and kill the fun. than i came home, cleaned a little bit and finally crashed around 3 in the morning.
but it really was a great birthday, i can't believe how many amazing friends I have. And all of them said they were having fun. and thats always what i want on my birthday, to be surrounded by good friends and good food. and if i can get all of them smiling, even better.
Than last night I had my annual invite everyone i know over and make fried rice party. thats what i do for my birthday. and everyone thinks it's so weird that i feed everybody, but i get so much joy out of it.
First I found out that my friend Brad was coming up from Provo. I STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN WHEN HE TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i haven't seen him in so long and I couldn't wait. than i started making dinner. Jordan was the first to arrive, followed by kelton. And then Jon, and i think adam after that. I have so many guy friends, the only time they beat everyone is when your offering free food, which i was. I had so many guys there, i thought it was great. finally girls started showing up. MY OLD ROOMMATE RYLEE CAME AND SURPRISED ME!!!! i literally squealed and ran across the apartment full of people and practically jumped on her. i was so excited.
around 8:30 i finally let Rachel make one batch of rice, in the time it took her to make one, i probably could have made 2 or 3. but a lot of people were done eating by that point. so i went to socialize, i ended up in a cuddle thing with Landon a couple of times. but mostly we just chatted and it was fun. Arounf mid-night everyone decided they wanted to make a subway run, (there is a 24 hour subway down the street from where i live) i was told that i was coming. even though i didn't get anything, i had been coughing all day so my throat was really hurting.
but we get there and everyone keeps laughing and we're going for like 2 hours. I felt bad by the end, i was so tired. And when i get tired i go one of 2 ways really hyper or really grumpy and for some reason the grumpy was coming out, i think it's because it hurt my throat to much to laugh. so at one point i ended up separtating myself from the group, just kind of cause i knew i needed to cool off before i got angry for no reason and kill the fun. than i came home, cleaned a little bit and finally crashed around 3 in the morning.
but it really was a great birthday, i can't believe how many amazing friends I have. And all of them said they were having fun. and thats always what i want on my birthday, to be surrounded by good friends and good food. and if i can get all of them smiling, even better.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
the shiny side of the new years coin.
Basically, I can probably guarantee that posts for awhile are going to be up and down. I'm not trying to get sympathy, but sometimes writing it out helps me focus.
but with everything bad we need a counter. For me to get back to normal I need to find balance. And it's something i am well aware is going to take the rest of my life, because once you get things in balance life will throw something else at you. every coin has 2 sides.
so a balance out for yesterday.
1.Getting to spend the afternoon with my cousins and grandma
2. macaroni salad.
3.My cousins daughter calling me aunt Mandy.
4. One of them telling me she wishes i was her sister.
5. a ride home from church.
6. Justin and Jenn coming to say hi.
7. chocolate.
8. having laundry money.
9. hot showers.
10. having those small moments of peace in the middle of trials.
but with everything bad we need a counter. For me to get back to normal I need to find balance. And it's something i am well aware is going to take the rest of my life, because once you get things in balance life will throw something else at you. every coin has 2 sides.
so a balance out for yesterday.
1.Getting to spend the afternoon with my cousins and grandma
2. macaroni salad.
3.My cousins daughter calling me aunt Mandy.
4. One of them telling me she wishes i was her sister.
5. a ride home from church.
6. Justin and Jenn coming to say hi.
7. chocolate.
8. having laundry money.
9. hot showers.
10. having those small moments of peace in the middle of trials.
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