When Mandy Gets Angry

So, last week, I got angry.

Like, really angry.

I don't know if I've gotten that angry since I moved out to college.

A lot of it ended up being petty. And it built up because of a lot of things.

But it made me ponder my anger and the different levels of it.

Not a lot of people know this, but I actually had major anger issues as a child. I've actually kicked both my sisters into walls before. But I grew up and started learning how to not let myself get angry. Or when I do get angry, how to keep it under control.

So when I got so angry last week, I decided to try and figure out why I was so angry. I just learned about emotions recently in one of my classes and so I've started trying to figure mine out.

*Disclaimer, I know this is actually probably common, but it was a major epiphany for me.

When I am angry, I am almost never actually angry. It is some other emotion. There have been times that I have been angry, and that was the emotion. But usually that is only if someone is hurting someone I care about.

When I am angry I am usually at least one of two things.

Hurt or scared.

I don't mean physically hurt. I actually don't, typically, get angry when that happens. But if you make a cutting comment, or do something that hits an emotional nerve, that is when the anger starts. And the more hurt I am, the more angry I get.

And fear. If I'm afraid that you are going to see me hurt. Or if you are going to see me weak. Or if you are going to see me stupid. Or if you are going to see me scared. I will usually cover that with anger. I think partly because a lot of people have said they get scared when they see me angry, and so I have control over some kind of fear.

To note, the reason a lot of people say they get scared when they see me angry, is partly because I rarely let people see me angry. I try to be the happy, supportive person around people. part of me learning to control my anger was learning to walk away when I started getting angry.

I wanted to start figuring out why I was angry. I knew I had a very short, fast, high temper and I started realizing that really stupid things would set me off.

Not bad for an 18 year old, right?

So if I started getting upset, I would leave. I would go put myself in time out, as it were. So that I could calm down.

Now that I've gotten that part down, I started trying to figure out why my anger levels would be so different.

I would get frustrated, and I do get frustrated quite a lot, but I also let it go fairly quickly. And I'm even starting to learn how to not let things get to me as much.

But when I get really angry, one, I have left people long before. Not cause I think I'd hurt anyone, but because I don't want people to see how angry I actually can get. But two, it stays and I get incredibly defensive and aggressive.

And I finally figured out, it's because I want to cause the pain before someone sees that I'm hurt or scared of it.

I don't mean physical pain. I just know how people work enough to say down right mean things. And if you corner me when I'm angry, I will say every mean and below the belt comment I can come up with. And I know where people are insecure.

Knowing people is good and bad.

I could easily mess with peoples emotions in a negative way.

But here is where the cool part is.

I don't want to.

I don't want people to hurt. I don't want to get angry. I do not like being angry.

Which is why I'm trying so hard to figure out why I get angry. So that in the future I can break it down and figure out if I'm hurting, what is hurting and how can I fix it. Or if I'm scared, what am I scared of and how can I face it.

This world is already full of negative, why add my anger to it?

I'm just glad I'm learning how to figure these things out.

I am do something good.

So. I work at an eating disorder facility, and first I need to take a moment to brag. I don't do this often but I am very proud of my work last night.

I am the cook and I have to get dinner out for all of the clients and direct care staff by a certain time. I also have to have things prepared into the correct portion sizes, set the table, and prep breakfast food.

And I do not make easy food.

Last night I made Au Gratin potatoes (two pans, from scratch), Chicken Cordon bleu, steamed veggies, vanilla bread pudding (which mostly just needed to bake. But I had ONE average sized oven in which to do all this.), prep the melon salad for this morning (six melons in total), set the table, prepare seperate things for our full vegetarians, half vegetarians, and our celiac. I also served a total of 17 people last night.

I did this in 2 hours and 15 minutes.

That is not easy to do.

So, the thing that really made my night last night was after I joined the girls for dinner. As the cook I am the last person to eat. I have to make sure all the girls are plated, and then direct care staff, and also make sure that the kitchen is cleaned up enough and the dishwasher is empty so that girls can take care of their dishes after dinner.

Then I can eat.

If it is a night where we are serving dessert, then I also can't plate until after the girls have dessert.

Last night was one of those nights. And the fact that it was dessert night made the following comment make me feel even better about myself.

So, I decided when I started work that I would always refer to the girls as "lovely Ladies" (Not the Les Mis kind, but as an actual comment to these girls). I know they have self image issues, one because they are teenage girls and two they are at a treatment facility for girls with eating disorders. Not hard to figure it out.

So whenever I call down for them to come to dinner I always yell "All right Lovely Ladies, it's time for dinner!", and when I write up on the whiteboard, which is every meal, I always write "Good evening Lovely Ladies."

Point being, I make a conscious effort to call them lovely.

I assumed this fell on deaf ears.

I also have been stressed and having a hard time at work because one, I'm the cook so I already am not the girls favorite person; but also the direct care hasn't been very appreciative of my efforts to make sure dinner is out on time. WHICH IS HARD TO DO AND I BUST MY BUTT TO GET IT OUT!

But mostly I just felt like I haven't really been doing a great job and that the girls didn't like me, and just stressed because it is a hard job.

So after I sit down and I start eating, one of the girls turns around and looks at me and says "We were just talking about how we like you because you always call us Lovely Ladies."

To which I responded, "Well you are lovely ladies, and I never lie."

But what she doesn't know is how incredible that comment made me feel.

They have noticed that I always call them lovely, and they appreciate it. I am doing SOMETHING good. I wanted this job to try and be a positive influence on the girls and I just felt like I had been falling short.

But now I know that whenever I work, they are going to be called lovely, and they notice it.

My job now just seems so much better than it did two days ago.