Happy Halloween!

So today, yes it's the day before Halloween, but i got to dress up at work. so thats all that really matters. I was assault and battery (if you are confused by that think about the words as "a salt and battery") In other words i dressed up as a salt shaker and and had batteries taped on me and around my neck. I thought it was great fun. I would put up a picture, but i don't think i actually got a good one and I'm to lazy to put my outfit back together. so you'll just have to live with imagination. Just know that it was legit.
Also, this week I won a $50 gift card to USU dining, i built a bottel rocket (as in a two liter one) that shot farther than everyone elses. Best part is i did it on a whim because my friend was at the booth and i had a little down time.
I also worked everyday this week minus sunday...thats a lot of hours. thankfully i only work three days this next week, the part that sucks is that i close lobby Monday night which means i'm not getting out of there before midnight. Which sucks because i have to get up at 6:30 Tuesday morning. but what can you do? not much really. Although tuesday night Mike made me dinner for covering his shift for him, which was very nice. And it was good. It was funny actually, i got off and he called me (i texted him asking if he was home, i was going to borrow their piano.) anyway and he said that he was home, the door was open just come in when i get there and that he made me dinner and i wasn't allowed to say anything about it. (they know me well enough at this point to know that i usually have something to say.) I was however allowed to say thank you, but only after i ate dinner. What was really funny was Friday night i actually ended up staying seven hours when i was scheduled for four, because someone was sick and needed help covering a shift. That shift went by faster than my three hour shift, i don't understand. but whatever.
And now i'm sitting at home on my couch instead of at the basketball game i've been looking forward to for six months. oh well. life is hard sometimes, but right now i don't even really care. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

mostly i'm blogging right now because i haven't for a little while. But i'm to tired to even really think straight. oh well. I'll write some other time whe i'm awake...sound good?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

Human Again

Well after a night of almost constant sleep and a three hour unconscious-like nap I feel almost human again today. I walked into work bright and early yesterday morning and my manager says "hi Amanda." I reply with an incredibly raspy "morning" She goes "your sick." I say "no, i don't have time to be sick." But 2 cups of hot apple cider and many cups of nasty hot lemon water and five hours later i ask if there is anyway I can go home early. So my lovely managers call Hailey in for the last hour of my shift. I go home via Mike and Justins so I can pick up a pan I left at there place a few nights ago. I'm walking in as Mike is walking out, he asks if I got off work early, I told him they called Hailey in for me.
"are you not feeling good?" (Mike)
"I kinda want to die right now." (me.)
"what time did you go to bed last night?" (he had kicked me out at 9:30 the night before because i had to get up at six the next morning for work.)
"I went to bed at 10. I couldn't sleep last night."
sum up that part of the story. I also mentions how i've been living on soup and cider for two days.
"do you need anymore cider?" (Mike.)
"no, i think i still have another box."(me.)
he then tells me to go home and get some rest, which i planned on doing. But first i go in and get my pan. Justin asks if I'm ok, i tell him i want to die. He asks if I need anymore cider. (these boys take good care of me.) I just grab my pan, check my e-mail real quick because his internet was on. Then i go home. I call grandma because she was in Logan and had some stuff for me. She meets me at my place and has tomato juice and cans of soup and some frozen orange juice and some medicine and amongst other things. I then went inside. Made me some soup. and crashed for three hours on my bed. But when I woke up i didn't have a fever anymore.
and now we are to today. I feel almost human again. which is awesome. Now i'll probably crash later, because i tend to do that when i'm sick. But right now i'm enjoying feeling almost human.
But before my being sick escapade life was still crazy as always. I went to Brigham twice last week to train for our new POS system at McDonalds. I missed my store. Brigham was so slow. (as in they worked really slow) i was going nuts. And now this week i work a ton because i have to train everybody on the new system. me and katie both do. Didn't think about that when I agreed to go train. Oh well. And now that i've survived at least half of my mid-terms. Life is starting to make some semblance of sense and starting to fall into some pattern of order, now granted lets be honest, it'll probably fall apart again in two weeks, but I can enjoy it now right?
I just decided i have a lot on my mind lately. (and by a lot I mean one major thing) But i can't really talk about it here because it involves other people business that isn't mine to talk about. But it makes me want to figure things out for them, but I can't do that. Life is just a messed up crazy thing. But I've learned we all have our own issues. And other people can't fix them for us. They maybe can help point us in a general direction, but we have to figure out whats going to work best for us. And then people who care about us have to watch. Its an interesting thing life.

Nick

This one is a short blog. about Nick. He is a kid in my aural skills class who i don't think even really knows me, but he's taught me something really cool.
This is going to sound really harsh, but i honestly wondered if he was every going to survive the music program, because he was completely tone deaf. (he's a percussionist.) I felt bad every time he had to get up in front of the class. But our teacher was patient and told him what he was doing, where he was singing and helped him along. The other day we were in class and he got up to sing. She played his note, he was right on. His interval was really close as well.

Don't let challenges limit you.

I didn't know someone who was tone deaf could even learn how to hear notes. but you can.

it'll take work, but you can learn how to do hard things if you want it bad enough.

Now he is not an amazing singer by any means. But he'll survive aural skills and the music program. Just takes effort and someone to tell you how to do it right.

Not wearing yourself on your sleeve, doesn't mean you don't have bad days.

Yeah. I'm skipping class right now. Because I have to catch up on other things, so what do i do? i write a blog.
I need to run away for a weekend. Just run away from my life. I know it was just yesterday I was talking about how content I was, but today I'm back on my sinking ship, I'm sick of just everything and I want to run away from y life for a little while.
I'm sick of school and feeling like i'm never gonna be good at anything.
I'm sick of boys and feeling like i'm never gonna be good enough.
I'm sick of a car that wants to die.
I'm sick of my job where i have to pretend that I want to be there and i want nothing more then for your order to be correct.
I'm sick of being tired.
I'm sick of waking up with headaches and upset stomachs.
I'm sick of messy rooms.
I'm sick of stress.
I'm sick of spending every friday night at home. Because everyone is on dates or going home for the weekend.
basically i'm just ready to be done.
I promised myself i was never going to right a blog like this, but i just needed to get it out because i always hold it in, and I'm done doing that. Which means i'm not, I'm just done today.
I hate mid-term time. i don't even know where the first half of this semester went.
I know i should be focusing on everything blessing i've got. Cause i ahve many, I have wonderful roommates and friends and bishops and everything. but I'm just done today.

I'm sick of not being worth it.

I'm either not worth the time, the effort or the risk.

(we're talking about boys again.)

I'm not even worth a hello to a lot of guys. I'm not worth the time or effort for the ones who kinda know me. And by the time we are great friends i'm not worth the risk.

I'm not saying i currently have anyone interested in me whose just not willing to take a risk. But its happened. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't so good at being friends with guys.

People say you need to stop hanging out and make them take you on dates. What they don't understand is that I would never see guys again. the only way I even have contact with boys is by hanging out

because i'm one of the guys. and guys don't date guys. except the gay ones, but they won't date me either.

Maybe i should stop going dancing. I love it so much, but its always hard when i come home. I've always got Mike who asks me to dance because he knows i don't get asked very often. and the rest of them. i know why they ask me. Its because i stand there with the "i'm all alone" look and they feel bad.

and no one will be able to convince me otherwise. I know guys to well. They want me to have fun, but they really aren't interested in me, so they'll ask me to dance and the closest thing that I've coem to a number or continuing conversation is "maybe i'll see you around campus sometime."

meanwhile all my friends that i know that go walk away with numbers. Or else they came with their boyfreind so they really don't care about numbers.

Meanwhile i don't know why i'm putting so much money and effort into a program i feel like at best i'll end up mediocre. I really am trying, i'm jsut not a good musician. I use to think i was decent. I've learned better. I know nothing, but i'm trying. why do i feel like my points for effort are minimal?

I need to stop. I know everyone is sick of hearing about my music program drama, don't get me wrong. I LOVE the music program, i just don't understand why when everyday it makes me feel about 2 inches tall.

and then work.

I jsut wish i had a job as a secretary or receptionist. I have no deisre to be in food service. Its loud busy and stressfull. because i don't have enough stress in my life already.

anyway, i should go get some practice in before my voice lesson. which i'm not prepared for.

i promise by tomorrow i'll happy up. I need a day to just mope. I'm done with this happy face for a few hours.

it'll work itself out eventually.

abstract to discovery.

Last year I discovered why my mom loves fall so much. Its because of what fall looks like where she grew up. Last year i couldn't believe the colors I saw everywhere. Reds, oranges, yellows, browns; Sardine canyon was beyond breathtaking.
I loved walking through the cemetery to and from classes, or walking by the quad. I never could fully take in all the colors.
The colors haven't appeared yet in Cache valley, but they are slowing showing up. I'm so afraid that they won't show up as brilliantly as last year because they aren't here yet, I have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't changed by this time last year either.
Everyone always says spring is when you get your fresh start, but I have to disagree. I think fall is. Spring is an ending, maybe its because I've been living on a school calender for the last almost 20 years of my life. A calender where I'm not the oldest in my year, but I'm in the middle. Spring is when things end. Fall is when you get to try again. And winter is the drawn out drab you have to try and make it through.
Fall is when i want to cook. As soon as the air starts to get that crisp feel to it, all I want to do is bake. I want to make apple pie, apple crisp, pumpkin pie, hot chocolate, soups, breads, anything and everything. I want to listen to "Linus and Lucy" and other songs with similar vibes. Its when the long sleeves start to come out, but you aren't freezing yet. Just long sleeves.
and Rain. The smell of rain, after a hot summer you can smell the rain so much more clearly in the fall. Or else I'm just weird. ...it also could be I'm sitting next to an open window with the sky wanting to drop rain on us again.
I've discovered a new love for fall, and it really didn't make itself apparent until the last few weeks. People look at fall as such a depressing time, but its a new beginning. Its when I think the earth is full of life. Not new life...its hard for me to explain. Spring is when life is young, its when you are giddy and twitterpated. Its when you go to parks and play and run around. Fall to me is more...happiness...contentment...
this makes no sense on paper. But i promise its making sense in my head.
I want to say almost an older joy. Kind of like...playing in the leaves and watching someone play in the leaves. Both are fun and enjoyable. But they are different from each other. And lets be honest, the one watching will probably join in at some point. ...thats honestly the best way I can think of to describe it, and your probably still wondering what I'm trying to say.
The honest answer...i don't know. I felt the need to write, and I feel so....content and peaceful inside. Even though my life looks like it could train wreck and I could have a complete mental collapse at any moment. But I love the fall feeling.
Maybe its because Thanksgiving is soon.
That is probably my favorite holiday and I finally figured out why in the last year. I have NEVER spent a thanksgiving with just my family. Even when we lived away from family we would spend thanksgiving with a family in the ward. The house smelled like Turkey and Corn and Pies and rolls and dads nasty stuffed mushrooms all day. And we spent the day with friends or family. We laughed and joked and enjoyed each others company.
I think I like that so much because I like people. I get close to people. I figured that out in the last few months too. I realized i don't really have a place I call home. Right now its Logan. It was Lehi, but then everyone I cared about from Lehi graduated and moved away. Now I've realized that I don't really have a PLACE I call home. But that doesn't mean I'm homeless. I kinda make people home. Which sounds really weird, but its true. My family is home. My friends are home. And i tend to try and keep people close.
I can start over. I've moved enough and started over enough that its not hard for me. I don't get scared like I did when I was 13. I just start. But endings. goodbyes. I'm very bad at those. My roommates last year can vouch for me. I don't do well with losing people, which is a challenge because I tend to get very attached to people very quickly and I know that they don't get attached to me. So I'm not good at showing I'm attached. Or that I care about you.
thats the other side to my life. It doesn't really have to do with being homeless, I'm plain not good at wearing myself on my sleeve.
Fall is very nostalgic for me I guess. Maybe this is whats really been on my mind lately and just loving fall and needing to write made it come out.
Maybe I'm so content because I have found a home with friends and family. Looking at my life I'm the titanic sinking, (at least thats what it feels like. Its slow but you see it coming, eventually it'll break in two.) but I'm not worried, Maybe its because I'm not sinking into icy water. The few times I feel like i'm going under its rather warm. But...I'm still sinking...maybe I should buy a life jacket.
I guess what this long and probably pointless blog is saying is...thanks. I have no place i call home, but I'm not homeless. It was actually mom I think that made me realize this. When she was out a few weeks ago, she was sitting in the chair getting her shoes on and she looked at me and said "everytime, I'm 55 years old and its still hard to leave home. And it gets harder eveyrtime." And we kinda realized that that was her HOME, that is the house she grew up in. Thats where her mom still is. And then we realized thats probably why its never been hard for me to leave home. Because home isn't a place for me...which I think is a blessing. Because people are my home. I take it with me.
I never leave home.