no tumor for me

So, something I have not been telling people, the last few weeks I've been worried that I could have a brain tumor.

I went in for my yearly physical and they were worried about a couple of symptoms. So I had blood testing and when my prolactin levels came back twice as high as they are suppose to be, that leads to the suspicion of a tumor on the pituitary gland.

So I had a brain MRI yesterday.

And the results came back stone cold. My brain is completely fine. Everything looks normal.

They don't know why my levels are so high. Or why my body is doing what it's doing.

But living with that "i have no idea what's going on" is so incredibly stressful. Wondering if i'm going to have to have surgery, or get medication or what.

I'm just tired of everything.

I'm just tired.

No more

"No more questions. No more tests. Comes the day you say 'what for?' Please. no more."

I'm so tired of all the questions that I am trying to answer. I'm sick of the tests i'm going through. I know that the Lord won't give me more than I can handle. But I feel like I'm sinking.

"They disappoint. They disappear. They die. But they don't..."

my emotions are full of disappointment. then I get them under control. Then they disappear. I feel like they are gone. But then they come back. They don't die.

"No more feelings. Time to shut the door. Just no more."

I just don't want emotions anymore. They just get in the way of life. They are a pain. They don't do any good anymore. They just make you hurt. All I've wanted to do is run away. Somewhere I don't hurt anymore.

"Running away- lets do it. Free from the ties that bind. No more despair or burdens to bear out there in the yonder."

That's what the dream feels like.

"Running away- go to it. Where did you have in mind? Have to take care, unless there's a where, you'll only be wandering blind. Just more questions. different kinds."

That's what stops me. Where would I run? What would I do when I get there? I can't make life work here, why would I be able to somewhere I don't know anyone?

"Where are we to go? Where are we ever to go?"

The only place where things make sense. The Temple. Institute. Church. No matter how hard it gets. There is always somewhere I can turn for peace. It'll be okay.

(lyrics from the song 'No more' from the musical "Into the Woods".)

i wish i was a writer.

I really am trying to get back in the habit of blogging. Maybe it will help me sort out my life. Life is stressful. I realized the other day, i don't know if i want to be a teacher. Then today in my teaching literature class, i realized maybe i do. I can't seem to make up my mind. I hesitate to go forward with english because in all honesty...i hate literature. i hate studying it. I hate analyzing it. I don't enjoy classics very much. i don't like reading that much. Not nearly as much as I use to.

I feel like an English teacher should love reading...

but i love writing. even if i haven't done it for a long time.

all the things that we are learning in out teaching literature, i take examples from the teachers who taught me to write. who would have me write. I don't even really remember much of anything I read in english classes. But i remember what we wrote.

I remember the short stories we would get in creative writing.

I remember how many genre's we looked at.

everything i learned in english i learned from creative writing. (including grammar...ironic when you know the story

) but nobody hires a creative writing teacher. they just have the english teachers do creative writing, if there is a high enough demand.

but i loved writing.

it clicked.

i learned a lot about myself through writing.

writing is where i learned where i truly stand on things. i learned what my dreams really were. I can assess my feelings in my writing. The outcomes of my stories usually have to do with how i am subconsciously feeling.

I learn what kind of person i want to be. (usually, i model my main "good guys" off the kind of person i wish i was.

I write about the kind of relationships i have or wish i had.

I learned I will probably never writed a novel. not because of lack of ideas, but because i don't like dealing with the "he said, she said," and i tend to write in 3rd person. narrators make life easier.

I'm also not good enough with voice to write a lot of characters.

one-acts and short stories...right now thats where i stand. those i was good at.

i think i just want to teach kids how to believe in themselves. (which is ironic, considering how much work i need in that department)

I want kids to know how much that can accomplish.

I want them to know they have potential.

I want them to know that can handle whatever tasks the world throws at them

I want them to know it will be hard, but it can be done.

I want them to be better than I am.

Someone told me once i should just be the old Chinese wise man at the top of the mountain who gives you metaphors on life. is there a major for that?

I wish i could just be a life teacher. i think i'm good at helping people see how they could get better grades, i just don't know how to help them get it.

I think i could teach opinions, and how to have your own. and how to respect ones that differ from yours.

i think i could teach how to change a tire.

i think i could teach how to clean a bathroom.

i think i could teach how to have fun without a tv, and not cause trouble.

i think i could teach people how to be punctual.

i think i could teach people how to communicate.

i just like to teach whatever i can.

i had a teacher who said i have more street smarts than anyone he knows. (which is not true, ps.) but i was flattered. I know how to live life, i just don't know how to pass classes.

i guess thats what writers do, isn't it? they write about life. maybe thats why creative writing always seemed to resonate with me. I had a way of sharing my ideas. I had a way to be heard. I learned different ways to express, not just straight forward like this.

i wish i was a writer.

Numb

I apologize for yesterday's post.

I have this weird thing where sometimes i guess i must know something bad is coming, because my body will start trying to defend itself and i start feeling numb to all feelings. which usually makes me kind of emo.

last night i got a phone call that a family friend had been killed in a horse accident. (my moms best friend's husband. i know that makes it sound distant. but i lived with them for a week when i was 10)

then when i got the news i was even more numb. i didn't even know how to react. i guess i still don't. i'm still just kind of numb...but with a headache now.

this is going to come out terrible, but please no one any closer to me die. i can't handle it.

i love all my friends and family. even though i'm not good at showing it.

just know that.

bleh

School has begun again. I meant to write yesterday, or the day before. a lot has happened and I can't keep up anymore. my life is an emotional roller coaster and i feel like i'm not wearing a seat belt. along the way i'm getting whiplash (which i've had before, not fun.)

I mean, i'm learning a lot. and i'm trying hard to remember the things i'm learning. and I'm trying to see the happy and positive things of life.

but somedays it's harder than others.

i'm learning about life. not much from books.

i've never been good at learning from books.

i'm not very school smart.

i know how to handle people. i learn how people work decently fast. especially when i started trying to teach myself to look at people from different perspectives.

i don't want to be an english teacher.

i don't know if i want to be a teacher anymore.

maybe it's just because i'm sick of school.

maybe it's because i've watched all my classmates excel so far in front of me.

maybe it's because i feel like i haven't changed in the last three years. except becoming more cynical and pessimistic i suppose.

this is dumb. i was fine most of the day yesterday, and now i'm back to just not caring. i even skipped class this morning. i really shouldn't get in that habit.

especially since i don't really know whats going on in that class. the stupid part...it's grammar. stuff i should have learned in elementary and junior high.

and the fourth year college student can't understand it.

thats a self esteem booster right there.

i promise life is okay. it will work out eventually. i just didn't sleep very well last night. but i want to get better at posting, so i figured i might as well start.

happier posts to come.