working it out.

Here we are, New Years Eve of 2011. And it has been a year of lessons...and the second half was a LOT of hard ones. I've been scammed, put on probation, dealt with a lot of personal emotional issues, had my heart broken (again) and most recently...i am no longer a music major. I didn't pass my jury a few weeks ago. I've been trying very very hard to be happy, bottom line, I'm not.

And now I am spending New Years alone on my couch. I'm sure there are things I could be doing with friends, but i don't even feel like trying to get a hold of anyone.

It's no one else's fault for any of these things. I've learned a lot from my failures. I just wish I could write something happier right now, but I feel 2 things anymore. sad or empty. really, there is nothing in between.

And I will be Happy again, i promise. I just have a lot of things I need to work out. I'm sure 2012 will bring me plenty of adventures. And I know things will turn around so here are the things I just NEED to say, so i can start burying the dead.

1. I KNOW MR.RIGHT IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE! I DON'T NEED YOU TO KEEP TELLING ME!!! but that doesn't stop it hurting now. no, i've never been in a relationship, doesn't mean that i don't get my heart broken. i know that "he'll" come along sometime, what i want to know is why can't i have a few dates along the way? so please stop telling me "he's" coming. Because right now I just want someone who will hold me while i'm trying to put myself back together. and I wish i could understand why that is such an outrageous request.

2. I know i need a job. I know i need to stop talking about money issues. but did it ever occur to anyone that i'm scared? i'm trying to figure things out, i know i can't keep living off my parents. but people really seem to under estimate my lack of work skills. and it's really hard when you look at all these people around you with these scholarships, and great jobs and then look at yourself and your Xthousands of dollars in student debt and it looks like you'll probably be moving from fast food to a call center and you can't get anything better.

3. I am trying to be a better student. Do you really think I like being stupid? I try to understand. I try to study. I try to practice. BUT I SUCK AT IT! i've never learned how to do that. i'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm saying i'm trying to figure it out. but it's really hard when you can't seem to just do it. it shouldn't be that hard. But i've never been good at it. I just don't know how to do it.

4. No, i didn't pass my jury. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I was the one who didn't practice. I was the one who didn't talk to my teachers when I was struggling. It's all on me. And now i'm sitting here watching my dream float away from me. and I have no idea what to study or go into. I want to teach high school choir. I can't handle elementary school. I can't do it. I NEED the high school students.

those are really the big ones that i'm willing to make public right now. and I always feel guilty when i start feeling bad for myself or when i struggle. because i know that i have SO many friends whose issues are a thousand times worse than mine. but i've been breaking for months and now i've completely broken and i just had to get it out somewhere because i suck at talking about things like this face to face. i don't know how to be vulnerable. but i am trying to put myself back together. and this was something i could think of to start that.

so sorry it's a downer. I'm hoping 2012 will end better than 2011 did.

Happy New Year.

Things that One million Dollars could never replace.

I've recently been going through some money issues, it happens as a college student. But sometimes i sit and think, what if somebody offered me a million dollars? I sometimes wonder if I would take it.

But here is a list of things that a million dollars could never replace, and therefore would not be worth it.

the hug your best friend gives you when you haven't seen each other in years.

Being able to call Daddy and say "I'm ENGAGED!"

Mom calling to say "I love you"

The sister conversations you have as you grow up.

Making a big dinner with friends.

Someone to hold you when life gets hard.

searching your room for 85 cents in change so you can go buy an ice cream cone.

the look on your friends face after they've been kissed.

Friends getting engaged.

Friends getting pregnant.

your cousin calling to say "thank you for convincing me to date him" and her then saying that she is engaged.

thanksgiving dinners.

Seeing moms christmas village get bigger over the years.

those quiet moments where you get to sit and tune things out.

Inventing dinner and it tasting good.

learning a new piece of music.

gas station hot chocolate runs.

slurpee runs

watching Ugly Betty with friends.

Having best friends.

These are all things that a million dollars would pale in comparison too. These small moments are the ones I wouldn't rade for the world. The funny thing about a million dollars, yes i would be set the rest of my life and i wouldn't have to worry about paying for school, but money never loves you back. It just kind of sits there. It doesn't make you smile or laugh. In fact its much more likly to make you cry.

I would rather be poor my whole life but have someone to face the challenges with, than to have every material thing i ever wanted but have to do it alone.

Thank you

I know it's cliche, but yes, I am making a thankful list. Thanksgiving was last week and for the first time in my memorable life we didn't start dinner out by going around the table and saying something we were thankful for.

I am thankful for school. It's kicking my butt and I honestly don't know if I'll pass this semester and there are time i am legitimately worried about failing out of college. But despite my grades I really am learning so many things that I could learn anywhere else.

I am thankful for my voice teacher who has the patience of Job with me. And is also one of the nicest people have ever met.

I am thankful for my family, despite how crazy they can make me. I am grateful when we get to spend time together, and for the opportunities to see them.

I am thankful for extended family and all the food and love they provide. ;)

I am so incredibly thankful for my friends. The Lord has blessed me with some of the best friends a person could ever ask for. They listen to me be sad when the guy i like asked out someone else. They listen to me be happy when good news come my way, they keep being stubborn and buying me lunches. I had one friend who gave me a rose over the weekend for no other reason than he thinks that every girl needs to be given a rose every now and then (he came to visit Logan and brought roses for his friend girls up here) They know how to make me laugh when i feel like crying.

I am thankful for LDV. I am so incredibly thankful. I still and constantly in amazement about the wondrous blessing it is to have LDV in my life. My family came to LDV last monday with me, afterwards my mom came over to me and said "I will never again question if this is worth your time." She had been worried considering how close i came to mental break downs at the beginning of semester. There is such a love involved with this group of incredible incredible people.

I am grateful, so very grateful for the Gosple in my life. I know that I am no scriptorian. I can't remember references or stories. But i know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father loves me and is intimately aware of my life. He is in the finest details of it. And i notice that far more than i notice big things. But thats just always kind of the way i've been.

I am thankful that I have never had crazy roommate. (crazy in the sense of we fought and they were just terrible experiences. All of my roommates have been a little crazy) I always seem to get along and I've never had any major blowups. I hope i can make a family life like that someday.

Basically, despite how hard it is right now I am grateful for life. I usually like it that way. I never learn very much from easy things.If its not hard i don't bother noticing it...I don't try to be that way, but i just kind of am. And it's never been to hard that the Lord didn't give me strength to make it just one more day. And sometimes just that one more day is all you need.

thank you.

Britten or Bust!

So, the USU Chamber singers have been joining up with the American Festival Chorus to bring to pass Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem". This is an incredibly difficult undertaking and we've been working on it for an extended period of time. It uses the full choir, an orchestra, a chamber orchestra and a children's choir, Plus three soloists. (we hired professional singers, the AMAZING Stanford Olsen being one of them).
Yesterday we had our final dress rehearsal and our first rehearsal down at the Cathedral of the Madeline. Originally they were suppose to have charter buses for us to take down, but due to a slip up they forgot to put in our order for Thursday. So someone came up with the brilliant idea that they would get four Aggie shuttles to take us down. Well...guess what...they didn't have enough seats for all of us. They were about three seats short.
this ended up being completely fine with us, see my friend Becca has been having a lot of back issues lately and sitting on an Aggie shuttle that long was going to mess up her back. So Me, Becca, Jordan, Josh and Kelton all hop in Keltons car and we drive ourselves down to salt lake. And now we secretly don't want to take the bus this afternoon. the car ride was to much fun. :)
Becca sat up front while i sat in the back between Josh and Jordan (i was the shortest so i had to sit in between to boys...oh darn...) We joked and laughed all the way down. We got to rehearsal long before everyone else and so we didn't have to trip over everyone trying to find our seats.
But the car ride back was great! I was exhausted, as were all of us, and we therefore were really easily entertained. BY about Ogden my back was killing me and I was tired so i look over at Jordan and say "can I turn you into a pillow?" He says "Sure, I'm already turning the roof into a pillow" SO I'm almost asleep on his shoulder and then the rest of the car starts laughing about things and then they are laughing to the war requiem. (we've spent WAY to much time on this piece.) At one point moves back suddenly from laughing, i jerk awake of his shoulder. After a second i fall back onto it and stay there for a few more minutes until Kelton almost ran into a semi and so Becca screams, which makes Jordan scream which jolts me awake and there was really no hope of falling to sleep.
However we were still having the problem of the back seat really starting to hurt my back (rehearsal made it hurt first) so i lean over on josh this time, to try and find a new position to sit it. (Yeah, Jordan is a MUCH more comfortable pillow. I mean Josh was comfortable, but Jordan was more so) But that doesn't last long, so I try leaning forward, and I ask if one of the two guys on either side of me wants to rub my back. Josh does, and it finally started hurting less.
But mostly that car ride made me really excited for our plane ride to China, all of us, on jet lag? The flight attendants are going to wat to kill us, we tend to laugh loud and enjoy every minute of it.
But i wouldn't trade this group of friends for the world. WE laugh and have fun all the time, and I am so grateful to have all of them in my life.

USU Chamber singers

I feel like I need to play catch up with all my blogs since i didn't write anything for 2 months. But i do have exciting news that I've yet to share with the world...

I AM GOING TO CHINA IN MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Utah State University Chamber Singers have been one of FIVE choirs IN THE ENTIRE WORLD invited to an international choral festival in BEIJING in May.

I sometimes wonder how I am in this AMAZING choir.

This semester we are singing Benjamin Brittens "War Requiem" with the American Festival Chorus. We have our Christmas concert in December and we are singing at some thing for alumni the first week of December.

Then next semester we are having an 80's concert, recording a CD, going on tour to Price and Vernal. (don't make fun. We had a BLAST last year) and of course GOING TO CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically, i'm not trying to brag about me. But when somebody asks what is so great about Utah State, this is what is so great.

Its not just Chambers that is amazing. Our whole music program is phenomenal. As is our education program. our engineering program. our dietetics program. our basketball team.

But today I am spotlighting the Chamber Singers. Because we have fun and I can't believe how blessed I am to be associated with such a prestigious and just great fun group of people.

the sound of silence.

So this week has been interesting. I was put on vocal rest by my voice teacher because apparently i had laryngitis and didn't even know it. So all week I've been carrying around a notebook that has been labeled as "Mandy's voice". It's been quite entertaining. I get home from classes on Monday and show it to my roommate. She looks at how many pages i've written in (keeping in mind most of it is only my side of the conversation.) and she says "even when you can't talk you talk a lot." I tend to talk a lot...and she said it in a very kind and joking manner.
But what has really been entertaining about this week is learning who can read my face and to be quite honest my mind. I've some friends get better as the week went on, but Jordan is by far the champion. He can read my face and make-shift hand gestures very well. We actually had a conversation where I didn't write anything.
Sunday night was when i realized it was going to be a long week. We were having Canadian Thanksgiving at my friends house and I couldn't talk. At first I had one friend confused because i wasn't talking to her, but I was still acknowledging her existence and attempting to communicate. I finally was able to get the notebook out and explain. But throughout the night Jordan was usually translating what ever i was attempting to say.
And now i am 2 days short of being able to speak again and I'm not entirely sure i'll make until Saturday, because i don't like living in silence. I like to be able to speak. It is so hard to comfort a friend when you can't say the words. (which is why i've cheated a few times and given up the notebook)
Although, i've decided i'm learning Sign Language, my life would have been so much easier this week with sign language.
So i know its random, but I need to learn how to write a blog again. And i'll get back in the swing eventually. But this is my place for my thoughts anyway.
Silence is an adventure.

in summary...

Basically lets sum up everything in the last month shall we? It's not as detailed and full of insight like i usually like, but in order for future insights to make sense, we need a general background.

School started, I managed to pass my juries and start my second year as a music major. I thought that maybe I'd get the hang of it this year. SO far, not so good. I am failing Music theory III, aural skills III and vocal pedagogy. Although, i am finally learning how to practice for voice and piano and there is actually improvement being made.
Because of lack of sleep and verge of mental collapses i had to quit my job at McDonalds. Which is good and bad. It's good for a couple reasons. One, when asked why i quit before i could answer my friend chimed in and said "because it was slowly killing her" there was some truth in that statement. He said that you could always tell the next morning if I had worked the night before. So now that i have caught up on sleep i have to find new employment. See, not working in college is not an option for me. I have to do these little things...like pay rent, pay utilities, buy groceries, put gas in my car. Little things really. So now I am in search of new employment. And every on campus-lead i had fell through. So it's looking like I"ll end up at a call center. Which i can't actually apply for till next week.

My voice teacher put me on vocal rest. Apparently i had laryngitis and didn't even know it. So we are trying to give my chords time to heal. OK GETTING YOUR VOCAL CHORDS CHECKED IS THE WEIRDEST THING EVER!!!!!! they have to send a scope down your nose. it's so weird. But thats the hazards of being a vocal major, your gonna have to get your chords checked eventually.

This year I also had the INCREDIBLE blessing of getting into Later-Day voices. the auditioned choir up at the institute. It has been the single greatest blessing this semester. Despite how much my life is falling apart around me, I am always better after LDV. I ave the strength to keep going just a little bit longer. I never understood how you could come to love people so quickly. But i truly love everyone in Latter Day voices. Yes there are the few that i am working on liking, sometimes you just meet people that bug you for now explainable reason. But i truly LOVE everyone, I would do anything for any of them. I think thats one thing about it that makes life okay again, just the overwhelming amount of love among this group of very special people. I am learning things about the gosple, people and myself that i never thought i could learn. I am so grateful to be blessed to be able to say for the rest of my life that I am a Latter-Day voice. Because once a latter-day voice, always a latter day voice.

And onto the last bit of drama, than I think you will be caught up on everything important. So there is this boy. I like him a lot. THis tends to happen among young adults. And i've liked guys before. But this kid is one of my best friends, and we've been best friends for closing in on a year. Around April, i realized i really liked him . (we;d been hanging out since February. I'm kind of slow sometimes) Well I couldn't decide if he liked me or not. He moved out of town for the summer, but we still saw each other several times over the four months. And we texted a LOT. He moves back to Logan and we see each other a lot see we actually have the same major and are in 6 classes together, including LDV. We ended up hanging out at least once every weekend. So a few weeks into September I finally decide that I have to know if this is ever going to go anywhere. And it scared me to death. You would be amazed at how long i can stay in limbo and just sit there pining and wondering. but I knew i would regret it this time if I didn't ask.

So we are hanging out one Friday night, and I had decided that I was going to ask him that night. We are making cinnamon rolls at my place, watching youtube videos chatting, laughing. Its getting late and he has to drive to Salt Lake the next morning, i offer him a ride home . WE get to his parking lot and I decided now or never. so Before he gets out I say "hey, i got a question for you real fast." he goes "Yeah." in my head i'm like, well...no turning back now. so i ask "Do you ever see potential between us as anything more than friends?" He pauses, i'm freaking out inside. i go "you don't have to answer right now if you don't want. Everybody else has asked, i figured i might as well" he laughs a little and says "Honestly, I've thought about it and I haven't decided." I say "thats fine, i was just wondering. Drive safe tomorrow." We laugh at something else, he gets out of the car adn shuts the door. I immediately feel like throwing up. That was the single hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I'm not very good at being vulnerable. I proceeded to feel like throwing up for the next day and a half.

and here we are, a month later. Still haven't gotten a real answer. But we are still good friends, nothing is or was awkward. I just every now and then sit and wonder why. Was it me or him he wasn't sure about? was it both? I've just tried to stop thinking about it, which is hard because i still really like him, and I just want to know whether to hold onto these feelings or let them go. Cause I am fine with a platonic brother/sister relationship. I just need to know.

SO that is the summary of Mandy's life the last little while. Now we are up to date and I can start having much more detailed blogs again, hopefully I'll have time to keep up. Because there are many adventures I've yet to record... so until then.

this crazy thing i call life.

So you may have noticed that it has been over a month since i have written anything. Almost 2 in fact. That is literally how crazy my life has been. How about we start with the begining and start a short series of catch up blogs, to much has happened in life to consider putting it all into one post. School has started again, and those last weeks of August and first weeks of school were indeed an adventure. The last week before school started my dear friend Amy GOT MARRIED!!!!!! I can't even tell you how happy I am for her. J.J. is a wonderful man and will take excellent care of her. So when going down the wedding Mike was also invited, so we carpooled, he was taking his girlfriend home to meet family, and I was helping him move a piano. While down there we went on a double date, Jordan was still living in Salt Lake, so we doubled. On this date we started at the "whisper dome" in Draper. COOLEST THING EVAR!!!! you stand on one side of the dome and whisper, the person on the other side can hear you. So then we decided we were going to break off into couples and take pictures, come back together and make captions for each others pictures. Sadly, my camera stopped working abut 2 pictures in. So me and Jordan decide that we are going to walk to the closest gas station and get a disposable camera...well the closest one ( a decent walk away) had no cameras. So we just used his phone. Then we went to Iceberg and got milshakes. (i would like to submit that mine and Jordans was much better than Mike and Sadies.) personal opinion. Then back at mikes place we played in the back yard and then we had to get going, (we still had to drive back to Logan and Mike was getting way tired.) So we get back to Logan. The next day, i meet up with old roommates and we go up to Bear Lake. My roommate megan's family has a time share there. It was SOOOO much fun. I also got majorly burned. i was a lobster. But totally worth the memories. Saturday was move in day for tons of people. Including Jordan, whom i also owed dinner. So i finally get to take all his stuff back to him (i was holding 13 boxes of his things this summer. yes...i counted) my car was unloaded in one trip. there were tons of people just ready to jump in and help as soon as i got there. And mostly it was just great fun. And i think thats good for now because my computer is acting up lately and it is getting really hot, likly threathening to shut down for no reason again. and I really don't want to re-type. SO till the next catch up...ta ta for now.

one of the best summers ever.

This summer has been an adventure to say the least. As previously stated in another post, I have been put on probation from the music program and my jury is in 2 weeks, so naturally I am beginning to get nervous. And then there were many small stress factors that were adding up on each other. There were about three weeks there that I was stressed out beyond belief.
So the reason i haven't blogged in awhile, I've been very upset. And i don't like writing sad blogs. I like to write my adventures and I like to write hopeful things and thoughtful things and happy things. I don't like being sad. But a few weeks ago i had a legitimately terrible weekend. See, I thought i had found a second job and it was going to pay more than i was making and it wasn't going to be fast food. Well, I ended up getting scammed and losing a lot of money. And the full story is much more complicate, but I am honestly so incredibly sick and tired of having to explain it. A lot of it boils down to me being stupid. And so that has added much stress to mandy's life.
As always during a trial, I was having a a down day. I was just not happy at church the Sunday after I learned I had been scammed. It kinda hit me again that morning. I had someone, in an attempt to cheer me, say "Well, at least it can't get worse."
I immediately said "Oh please don't say that. It could get so much worse."
I had another friend, the day I found out say "Mandy, you've just not had a good summer."
I was so taken back, I didn't know what he meant. I've had an AMAZING SUMMER! I've made so many memories, made so many friends, had so many adventures. I've just had some bad things happen. The three main ones being probation, my aunt getting diagnosed with breast cancer and getting scammed. (thats not an order of importance. merely the order in which these events happened.)
But there has been so many wonderful things happen this summer. Mike and Justin both have wonderful girlfriends. Jessica and Megan are both married! Amy gets married in a week. Kelsie is going to have a baby. :) I get to be aunt Mandy. I have amazing friends. I have a job. My car works. I have an apartment to live in. I have a bed to sleep on. I have bright yellow bed sheets that a dear friend gave me last summer. I hiked crimson trail. I've gone to this is the place park. I've gone to a bachlorette party. I saw Harry Potter at midnight. I have awesome landlords. I even got asked on a date this summer. I get to go to institute. I have the gosple. A girl in my ward made me dinner and gave me a petticure and manicure that sunday i was having a terrible day. I learned how to make zuchinni bread. (I still can't spell it though...) I have amazing parents who have helped me more than i could ever hope for. don't think I've even gotten lost this summer.
So basically i know its short. But i needed to write it down. I use to keep a happy thoughts notebook, while I was still teaching myself to see the small happy things everyday. But once i learned how to see them i didn't keep it up. I sometimes think I should start writing in it again. Maybe i would see even more.
Moral of the story, I have had some of the crappiest things of my life happen this summer. But they didn't seem all that bad. In fact, I'm pretty sure this has been one of the best summers of my life.

parking lots drawings.

I was in one of my ..."deep thought" moods. (i guess you'd call it) yesterday. This usually happens when i feel like writing and i know something is in there, ubt for the life of me i can't get it to come out. After spending sometime on Old Main hill with a notebook and pen, with really not much of anything coming out, i decided to walk home. (it was getting dark). Well Ryan just left for Chile [ :( ] and when he left he left me a box of sidewalk chalk. They are tearing out the sidewalk to our parking lot and so there were no cars in the parking lot. So i started drawing just things.

As i started drawing i realized things that i were drawing were the things that I love doing, but always want someone to do them with. Someone to share those simple moments with.
I want someone I can walk barefoot through the grass with. I hate wearing shoes, especially when there is soft grass to walk on. There is something so refreshing about the cool grass between your toes. Someone to lie down on that grass with and watch the shapes in the clouds or watch the stars with.
I want someone to swing on swings with. To go play at a park. Do you have any idea how much fun it is to just swing? I love swinging at chatting. I love going down slides and failing epically at the monkey bars. But it is absolutely no fun to do it alone.
I want someone i can watch the sunset with. or the sunrise. But my favorite times of day are right before the sun comes up, before the world is awake. and right after the sun goes down but its not dark yet. when color fills the sky. when the world is calmer. because its just waking up or settling down. to me its a very peaceful time.
there are more things than those, but i'm a very simple person. I like simplicity. I like sharing moments, and i think moments come simply. which is why a lot of people miss moments. I'm just excited for the day when i share my moments.

little things

It really is the little things that will make or brake you. Last night I went over to Michaels to change my brake pads on my car, since he knew what he was doing and me...not as much. its been awhile since i've changed brake pads. So we've taken off the pads and are trying to put the new ones on, but we can't seem to make them fit. we both spent a good amount of time looking at them trying to figure out what was wrong. ( the '98 protoge was not the smartest car ever designed.) so i'm looking at it and i realize there are these 2 things on the side that look like maybe they compress...i figured there wasn't anything to lose, so we give it a shot. Lo and behold, everything goes back together. and now my brakes don't make deathly sounds when i try to stop. I actually need to get one of my rhoders smoothed out. ( i let the pads wear way to far down.) although, the pads on one side were completely worn away while the pads on the other side still had plenty of pad left. who knows.
But isn't it always the little things that make a difference? for good or bad. a little over a week ago i was having a terrible day, and i mean i was just grumpy a lot of personal insecurities were starting to surface with my jury getting ever closer. And we went cliff jumping, which is actually a lot of fun. I just have a hard time jumping when i get to the edge of the cliff. Well i was taking awhile to jump and I just couldn't get myself to jump off, my friends were trying to get me to jump. and one of the tactics they used (and meaning to be funny with it) was saying things like "you can't do it." (they know that i have this issue where i like to spite people sometimes.) and i know what they were saying and what i was hearing were 2 very different things. how could they have known that i was struggling with feelings of " i can't do anything right." they couldn't have. so i kept it to myself. but it did bring up a lot of different things inside.
Later that night, i was alone and feeling sad. I just kept wishing that someone cared. (Which i know people do, but everyone needs reminders every now and then. because we are humans.) The next day I really didn't even care about appearing ok. i was to tired emotionally and physically to actually care if i seemed ok.
So i get up, I can't find my work hat. I thankfully had a shorter shift that day. i think i only worked 6 hours. So i go, thankfully the manager on shift didn't care that i could find my hat that morning. And while i was polite and just fine with customers, as soon as i didn't have to deal with customers i was done. I didn't care.
Then of course as I go on break, i get my schedule for the next week. and i only had 14 hours. so i go back to the crew room. eat something really fast. call mom to see if we are anywhere closer to having a plan for when they are coming out. and then hung up with about 15 minutes left on break. So i decide i need to get out of the store. So i hurry out the front door, passing Mike as I go who says hi, which i say hi back, but i wasn't in the mood to chat.
So I sit out in my car and just lie there listening to the rain falling on the car. Trying to calm down, knowing that i'm much more likely to get angry fast on a day like this, and the lunch rush was about to start. and it is impossible to go through a lunch rush without some customer being angry.
So I get off break, not really feeling any better. And get put on present, so i get to deal with handing the food out to people. Mike was on the the second side of grill. (the side that is much easier to come up front from) So we have a slow second and he comes up and asks "Mandy, are you ok?" I'm handing out an order so I just mumble, "I'm just having a rough day". and then he has to get back to grill because orders have popped up. he doesn't actually know how i actually did feel a little better after he came to me and asked if i was ok. (he doesn't exactly have a track record of asking me how I am.) a few minutes later, when we had a milisecond break, he came up, "are you not feeling well?" ( i had been sick a few days earlier) and I just said "i'm just having a bad day." I really didn't want to talk about it at work.
So I get off and come home. get ready for a voice lesson. walk up to campus, and of course during my lesson i put on the "everything in life is great" face. meanwhile everything was just another blow. I know my teacher is just trying to tell me what ot work on, and she did give me praise to for the things i've been improving on. But i still just kept hearing "not good enough" in the back of my head.
I get home, my roommate comes home, and out of relfex i put on the "life is okay" face. But a little later Mike came over, just to see if i was okay. (i can't actually remember a time he's ever done that) But i really didn't want to talk about it in front of my roommate either. So we go outside to chat. And i told him some of the surface things that were going on. (he doesn't realize there are a lot of depth problems that make the surface problems eat me) I mentioned some family things, I mentioned the "i can't do it" feeling. i mentioned how i hate my job, but i don't really want to quit until my little sister has a job secured, in case i try to get her a job there. after listening for awhile he tells me some things to help and then says "Mandy, you should look for a new job this week." "Mandy, you need to do something for you." (funny, i get that a lot actually) and i listened to some of his advice. But he had a date to get ready for, and I had institute soon. So we parted. but i felt a little better. someone cared. someone cared enough to ask if i was ok, and then actually listened to what i was saying.
So i go to institute, which helped. I love my teacher. I chatted with him for a few minutes after class. Then went home and ended up looking on the job board just to see what was available. and there it was...a personal assistant job. the kind of job i wanted. I figured worst that could happen is i don't get it right? So I go next door to see if Justin can help me make a resume. and so it began.
Friday i wake up, and i wasn't ok, but i was better. and that was enough to put on a face. Instead of a resume, i stalled for time by sending an e-mail for more information about the job.
Satruday, i closed counter at work. which made me incredibly grumpy because i hate closing counter. I get home and i pop by Mike and Justins, because me and Mike were going to carpool south the next week for Harry Potter, and we were trying to work out details. (i had to move a voice lesson around) before i get gone Ryan comes home. We end up chatting a little bit and I decide i need to start heading to bed. But Ryan asks me something and I just mention that i've had a really rough week. Ryan- "do you want to talk about it?" me- "your roommates are going to bed." he says " we can talk at your place if you want." So i decide i'll just give him the surface problems like i did mike and then i can go to bed. but Ryan wasn't in a rush, and neither was I. So we ended up getting to some of the depth issues. We end up on the couch, and he has an arm around me and is just listening to me. thats the first time in my life that has ever happened.
Towards the end of our conversation he says something that is little to everyone else. but meant a lot to me. he said "Mandy, you are a very special person. And someday you will have someone who knows that and treats you like the princess you are."
That was the first time in my life I've ever been compared to a princess.
after that, little things kept going right. Sunday I had a good friend come over for dinner. Not a big thing. but it made my night.
Monday I learned a new song that i can hand clap to. Not a big thing. but it made me happy. and i got a slurpee, and they had a cherry flavor. :)
Tuesday, i got an e-mail back about the personal assistant job.
Wednesday I went ciff jumping and Ryan took me out to dinner.
Thursday i got to see my family, my best friends and Harry Potter, plus i got a really cool wand.
Friday I came back up to Logan with Mike and we got lost a few times. which was great fun.
Saturday i got off work an hou early, went out to see my family at grandmas (my cousins were all up and my 3 great uncles)
Sunday we made smoothies. and i got the e-mail saying that I officially had the job as the personal assistant.
all little things.
little things made my life suck.
little things made me smile again.

brain throw-up

Yes, i am aware that it has been awhile since my last blog. I was going to blog about a month ago, but then I found out that I was put on probation by the vocal department. I didn't feel much like writing anything. And after that time just got away from me. Time is funny like that.
I wish I knew what to write right. Have you ever felt like there is something inside you that wants to get out? but you don't know what it is, and as soon as you pen hits the paper that feeling goes away.

maybe that one-act i wrote in high school really is going to be the only thing of consequence that i write.

My little sister is coming up to school in a month. weird. there is no way she is old enough to be doing that. She suppose to be like 14...when did she grow up?

same with my little brother. He can date now, which should just not happen.

my older sister graduated college and is living with her boyfriend. ( who apparently i should not be surprised if ends up my future brother-in-law)

I can't count how many friends i have that are married or engaged or almost engaged.

For how monotonous my life is, it keeps changing. Maybe thats my issue lately. I feel like everyone around me's life is changing and I'm stuck with my work at mcdonalds and nothing else really. maybe thats why i feel grumpy half the time.

I haven't been sleeping good either. I wish i could fall asleep at night. that'd be great; to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep.

i don't know. this is kinda all i got today.

A new season

Today marks the end of the first week of summer in Logan for Mandy. A summer that will consist of a minimum of 30 hour work weeks and chilling in her apartment between adventures. (ya know, until it get disgustingly hot and the apartment i'm "chilling" in has no air conditioning and therefore i will be baking in stead of chilling)
I think though its turning out to be a fun summer. This last week I got to see my parental units, which is always fun. And then i put a few blonde streaks in my hair. worked and worked and worked and worked. cooked. ate. played. And Saturday was the day that sucked. I had a nine hour work day right? (8-5 is by far my least favorite shift)but we were busy, like slammed busy for like 5 hours straight of that. Plus it got really hot in the store. I do not do well with heat. I get heat exhaustion very very very easily. (in fact i got it mildly yesterday) but after coming home, showering, eating with friends, watching movies and eating ice cream. Life was okay again.
Ok...here is my main thing about this summer...well...at least as of he last few days. EVERYONE around me is getting into relationships. (i know i say this all the time, but its really true this time.) I have 2 of my 3 roommates engaged. My old roommate got engaged just before school got out. My summer roommate from last summer is spending her summer in North Carolina with her boyfriend. The girl at work is going on another date again. My friends who are bascially my brothers are pursuing girls. and then there is me.
This is my predicament. old habits die hard.
someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again an expecting different results. Well, in the dating realm, obviously I've had no success. I can like a guy, be friends with him, a great friend, a best friend. But never a girldfriend. Never what they are looking for in girlfriends. and yet every time they seem to describe "dream girl" i fill most of the qualifications.
But thats not the point I'm trying to make. i can't control other peoples actions. I can't make choices for them. I can only control what I do and how I react and act about things.
The problem is, I don't know how to be different. Because i also don't want to be someone i'm not just to find someone. That is self defeating. I've met a few of the new guys around. And i have other guys that i'm already interested in. But how do i make them, or find out if they have interest in me?
People always say "guys, ask the girls out". and then they say "Girls, let them know you are interested" everytime i try that the boys start avoiding me. which is thoroughly annoying.
And now i am begining to ramble. and this is not coming out at all like i'm trying to get it to.
Long story short. It is a new summer, filled with new people and new adventures that are waiting for me to come discover. I'm hoping that I can find someone to share the adventures with. If not a romantic someone, just new friends to add to lifes adventures of fun and discovery. Its a new summer, and everything can change.
I have to be the one to step out of Mandy's habits and do things that terrify me. It's just another adventure. a terryfing one, but if i can face the fear. The rewards are far greater than the fear i had to face.

Easter Weekend

So as many people i'm sure are aware. this last weekend was easter weekend, which lead into the last week of classes. And on Friday guess who woke up sick? MANDY!!! i felt like crap. my sinus were freaking out and i had an upset stomach. but i can't miss my first 2 classes so i drag myself over to campus. After my first 2 classes i decide that i can't keep going. So i go home, i only had choirs left that day...except we have a concert in a week. So i decide instead that if i don't get sick before noon, i'll go back to classes. so i go home and crash for about an hour and half. noon comes around and i'm not sick. so i go to class. where several people say that i don't look good. (great observations) so after choirs i head home, deposit my paycheck. go buy some chicken noodle soup, and run into work to request a day off work during finals week. I walk into work and my co-worker megan goes "mandy, whats wrong?" i say "nothing, i just don't feel very good. my sinuses are commiting mutiny." apparently i looked like i had been crying. so i go home and sleep for three hours.
After my long nap i felt human again. So i decide to try and go to the luau at the institute. (Mostly so i can get justin out of his apartment) which worked for an hour then we went back to his place and watched a really really stupid movie called "the box". theres 2 hours of my life i'll never get back. then i head home so i cang et up for work the next morning.
The next morning i go to work, still feeling lousy. But i had to work, it waas to late to call in sick. But at one point i did beg my manager to let me switch with someone in the hole so that i could stop moving around so much. So she let me go back for 3 hours. (where i shamelessly texted some friends asking them to make me laugh so i could make it through the next few hours) but i managed to survive.
Then after getting off i go home, shower, pack up and head to grandmas for easter (and to borrow her washing machine) well...i'm tunring onto 4th north...wasn't quite paying attention at the stop sign. I though the car in front of me had gone so i was watching on coming traffic...i forgot to double check...i rear ended them (thankfully i was going from a stand still, so nothing really bad happened. their trunk might be a little jacked up, but i gave them my contact information so that if it costs a lot to fix we can work something out.) i felt terrible though. But then i headed onto grandmas.
I get there, we eat dinner. (she can tell i don't feel very good) we were going to dye eggs and stuff, but we were both really tired. so we did laundry, watched 10 commandments (sort of) and chatted. then headed to bed. Where half way through the night i started feeling way worse. So we get up the next morning, go to church go home, eat dinner and then grandma made me take a nap because i really needed one. Then around six i head home. feeling like crap. i had been having a fever off and on all day. and i would get hot and then cold and then hot and then cold. After being back in Logan i headed to mapleview. Justin opened the door and said "Mandy, you look like crap" i said "thats kinda how i feel."
Monday morning i wake up and Cyri doesn't even want me to go to classes. But i can't miss keyboard harmony or theory and i won't miss institute. I thought i was going to be able to make it through all of my classes. But right before choir started i hit a great big huge wall. So i asked Dr. Evans if i could leave. I went down to work to see if i could get my shift covered. called some people. got it covered. and then went home to sleep. except i couldn't sleep. and i was getting way way worse. I couldn't really talk, my eyes were watering like i was crying, my sinuses were stuffed up, i was running a fever again i would get really hot and then really cold so i would go from sweating to shivering in like 2 minutes. basically i was sicker than i've ever been since i moved out of the house. I managed to eat so i could take some suddafed and ibprofen. but i called my mom, (pretty sure i ended up in tears on the phone) because i didn't feel good and i just wanted mommy. and i wanted a blessing from daddy and i didn't feel good and i was miserable and i just wanted to feel better but i couldn't fall asleep. (i was so incredibly exhausted it was ridiculous.) i managed to calm down after a few minutes. I texted my friend Jordan asking if he was home. He said he wasn't yet, and then asked why. I asked if he could go get another priesthood holder and give me a blessing. (that was the original plan sunday night with Justin, but i needed another one) He says "Yeah, of course" but he was at the store, so i waited about a half hour to go over. Before i go over my friend Mitch knocks on our door. I open it and he goes "you look terrible" i go "i feel terrible. enter at your own risk" he came in anyway. we chatted for a few minutes before i go to Jordans. I get to jordans, he opens the door. "Mandy, you don't look very good." me "i don't feel very good" so his FHE dad comes over, they give me a blessing and then me and Jordan chatted for about an hour. He always knows how to make me laugh. :) and he has no idea how much i appreciate it.
So now i'm home, needing to go to bed. But i've at least taken a hot shower which helped and i'm feeling a lot better. not perfect, nor nowhere near. But good enough that i can function and i'm not having a melt down on the phone with my mom. So that was my easter weekend. Now if i can survive finals, everything will be ok. :)

Boys in my life

As I have mentioned before, i quite possibly have the best friends in the world. I however would like to take a moment to make a special note about the AMAZING guy friends i tend to always be blessed with.
First, there was Thomas and Josh, in Lehi. Thomas was my very best friend on the planet in high school. I'm not sure how aware of that he is, but its true. I considered him my very best friend. (Dani, you were my other best friend) He always could make me laugh and we would just be silly and weird together and i can't believe that i lucked out and met him.
Josh Lee, I love this kid to death! He is the only guy that ever took me to a formal dance. He took me to homecoming my Junior year right before I moved. I don't think he ever knew that i never felt bad around him. Not only did Josh never make any kind of comment that could hurt me, (i've had friends manage to do that with entirely innocent comments) he would constantly find ways to make me feel good about myself. I still remember the look on his face when I came down the stairs in my homecoming dress. Josh always knew how to make me smile too. And he would be there whenever i needed someone to talk to. Plus he gives AMAZING hugs. I can't wait till he gets back from his mission and I can get another hug. :)
Nelson, he was my best friend in Texas. He is the reason that I passed algebra and the reason my car still works. What was nice about our relationship is that we were very good for each other. We're about the same age and I wasn't drooling all over him so it was easy to be friends. I was good at keeping track of his life and he was good at getting me to calm down and just have fun. Plus i hadn't really had any friends in Texas up to that point. I was there for him when he needed it, but what i always appreciated more than anything is when he knew i was in a bad mood, even if he was already in one, he would ask me how i was doing and then listen to the answer. Even if i just needed to vent a little. He would try to help, and usually i just needed to calm down and let go. He also towed me out to Utah when i moved out of my house. He took good care of me. He use to say all the time "Mandy, someday i'm gonna take care of you." "when i'm rich, i'm gonna take care of you." He became my brother.
Which brings us to Wilson, Nelsons little brother. Who is also like my little brother. mostly we have good conversation and are riding in the same boat. (inside thing) but what i love about him is the completely intelligent conversations we can have on completely pointless topics. and they would last for extended periods of time. and everyone around us would get very confused.
Then of course Mike and Justin. However, they are not the same person so they each get their own paragraph.
Mike i was closer to first. WE had institute together last year and it was both our last class of the day so we would walk home together. He would tell me his girl problems and I would listen. Or school problems...problems in general and I would listen. But it built a good relationship. Because he is also the one who is always willing to give me the tough advice. He waits for me to ask for it, but then he will be kindly blunt. But because of his kind bluntness I've become a better person and in all honesty i do feel better about myself. He also taught me the first two songs i ever learned on guitar. He would eat my food when i would offer it. And he takes good care of me. He's been known to not offer food, just give it to me. He took me to and from the airport when i flew home at christmas. THe thing i really appreciated was he originally wasn't coming home the day that i flew back, but a day earlier. He was worried about me getting home though, and so he requested an extra day off work so that i would have a ride home. On top of that he wouldn't let me pay him gas money. And thats just the big things. he's done A LOT of little things for me.
Justin. I Love Justin. He has become an older brother to me. He is very very very good at listening to me and probably knows more about me than anyone else in Logan. I'm so happy that we got to know each other better over the summer. He spoiled me last semester. I would go over there a lot because i was having a bad day or stressed and I just needed to do something for someone else. (he caught on fast that this is how i work. If i'm stressed, i'll cook for you) It got to the point I'd ask if he'd eaten and if i could come make dinner for him and roommates. (he is much more likely to answer his phone than anyone else in their apartment) and so i would go over and make food for them and then he would go "Mandy, whats going on?" One time i was broke and he tried to take me grocery shopping. For christmas he paid for my accompanist for my juries. But the thing i am most grateful for is the listening ear he gives me. And i try to give it to him in return.
And now onto my chamber boys (as i am lovingly referring to them as.) Jordan and Spencer. Jordan and Spencer make me laugh all the time, and they don't know how badly i need it some days. Spencer will give me amazing hugs whenever i want one and both of them have let me use them as pillows before. Spencer also let me use him as a space heater on chamber tour. Mostly I like how i feel like they care about me. Which don't miss read what i'm trying to say. I mean in little things. We were walking home from chamber tour (it was snowing and we were all pulling luggage and i said if they would walk home with me i would give them both rides to their apartments) well we came across a REALLY big puddle (keep in mind it was wet snow falling, i was carrying luggage and i was in heels...i'm not always the brightest crayon in the tool shed.)So we came to big puddle, Jordan turned around and grabbed my suitcase for me so that i could make it across the puddle easier. We are almost to my building and i finally slipped on my heels (the snow was sticking to the bottom and so i had about 2 inches of snow on teh bottom of my shoe, not easy to balance) I laughed as i went down, as did they, but they instantly were making sure i was ok and not hurt. and it was the way they were saying it and i can't really describe it. but i love having their friendships.
In addition to Jordan and spencer there is brad and adam, who mostly just make me laugh and let me joke around with them. and this week i've really just needed people to laugh with.
Those are the amazing guy friends in my life. and there are actually more than this, but i could never possibly hope to right about all of them. I just can't believe how blessed i am. And i have said many many prayers of thanks for being lucky enough to ALWAYS have AMAZING guy friends in my life. They teach me and make me laugh. and I still can't believe how lucky I am to have them all. And it will be a sad day indeed (but also very joyous for i will be happy for them) when i have to give them up to their wives someday. And i hope those girls, whoever they are, realize how lucky they are.

week long run away.

Saturday, get off work and head to Kelsies, spend weekend there. Sunday help her teach the five year old primary class. Monday she drops me off at Mikes and we get ready to head out to St. George for a week of camping.

so lets start with Monday.

Like i said, i get up early and we head out to Mikes where a group of us is meeting up to head down to St. George. Me and Kelsie are the first ones there. (she isn't going with us she was just giving me a ride) We get there and I start getting my stuff out of her trunk and Mikes mom (who is a very nice lady) comes out and tells us that she has taco soup inside for all of us and Kelsie is more than welcome (as in she IS staying) to have some as well. So we walk in the door and immediatly know where Mike is (there was electric guitar sounds coming from downstairs) So we start dishing up soup and Mikes mom gets her husband and gets Mike and we start eating lunch. After that we play about 3 songs of "just dance" on the wii when Kelsie is able to make her escape. (she needed to drive back up to Layton) So me and Mike play a couple rounds of Mario Kart when he gets a phone call from Kylie and the rest of everyone is (besides 2 people we are meeting in Lehi) almost there. So they get there and we start loading up the van (mikes parents are letting us borrow it) and then they all start eating, well Mikes mom also had gotten stuff so we could have lunches when we get down there. So I help her make sandwhiches while everyone else is eating taco soup. Then we finally are ready and head out.

We meet up with joe and Andrew and everyone has figured out which car they are in, everything is loaded and we head south toward the warmth. In the mini van is Me, Mike, Chris and Rylee....and nine peoples worth of camping stuff. Chris and Rylee are sleeping and me and Mike chat and listen to music. Although the further south we go the more we still see snow, which was very depressing. It was also raining a lot out side and slushing in a couple parts of life. But when we get to Quail creek it had stopped raining. So we set up camp, start playing and then make a Wally world run so we can get lunches and breakfasts. Then back to camp to make dinners (we were making dinners together and lunches and breakfasts on our own) Monday night we had spaghetti and by the time it was ready it was dark outside. ALSO, one thing i learned on this trip...you really can't roast a marshmallow peep, it really doesn't work out well.
Then we attempted to play games in the boy tents, but it really didn't work out. So we all headed to bed.

sleeping at night was FREEZING COLD!!!!! Monday night was the coldest night and it was freezing.

Tuesday morning i was the second one up and i got up to the sunrise which was gorgeous. Mike was the one up before me. So me and him chat for a little while and everyone else starts waking up about an hour - 2 hours later. than we all eat breakfast and pack up to head to Zions. Well...Kristi was taking some trash the dumpster and we decided to grab it from her while we were in the van. So i roll down the window and grab it...The window didn't roll back up. The switch had broken. So instead of going straight to Zions, we hang out at a church building while Mike goes and gets the van fixed. Then we drive to Zions, just outside we pull into another church parking lot and all pile into the mini van (with 2 people in the trunk) and head into Zions. (we didn't want to pay for 2 cars and the gas for 2 cars around Zions) We took it easy that day because we got started later in the day. We hiked up to Canyon overlook and the view was incredible. I took some pictures, we ate lunches and the climbed and scampered around for the next few hours. And I got higher than i ever thought that I could. AND managed to get back down in one piece. Then we headed back to camp and start chili.

I don't actually like chili...so i ate one of my lunches and everyone felt bad. but i didn't really care. We roasted marshamallows and chatted around the fire then Mike came into our tent when the fire was going out and we all chatted for awhile. When he was starting to fall asleep he went back to the boys tent and so did chris, Megan came back to ours. and we all fell asleep. (real quick, everyone on this trip is Me, Mike, Chris, Rylee, Kristi, kylie, Megan , Joe, and Andrew)

Tuesday night was also a very very cold night.

Wednesday morning I'm the first one awake. And i go sit on the dock for awhile. Then there was the great debate. Do we go back to Zions or just play around the campsite. We decided both. Those who wanted to stay stayed and those who wanted to go Hike went and hiked. So me, Mike, Chris, Rylee and Kylie go to Zions. We hiked emerald pools, found a cave, and hiked weepeing rock. We stopped at some gift shops and Chris bought an ostrich egg. (some guy outside Zions raises ostriches) We get back to camp and i'm wiped out ( i really hadn't slept well for like four days) and my back was really really hurting. (and only got worse as the night went on) We have dutch oven for dinner, which was great fun and way good. And then we all end up in the girls tent to play scum. (except me. My back was hurting so much that i couldn't really sit up anymore, it didn't want to support me. And i knew lying down i would be in and out of sleeping. So i didn't play)

Wednesday night was less cold and i switched mny sleeping postition so that all of us had more room.

Thursday was Angels landing.

I got up before everyone again and watched teh sunrise (i took a picture of the sunrise everyday) we made lunches and we headed out to Zions to Hike Angels Landing. I was determined to make it to the top this year. Basically how angels landing works is you Hike walters Wiggles 2 miles up to the base of angels landing (a series of switchbacks that are a royal pain in the butt to hike up) Then you have Angels Landing; where you have chains, cliff, 3000ft drop. Probably not the brightest idea in the world to hike up it. But we did it anyway. So i tell everyone not to wait for me, i'll get there eventually. (which was good that no one waited for me, because i don't think i would have made it up. I would have quit and been angry at myself for another year. So i go, and there were spots i wanted to quit and go back, but i managed to pull myself together and always a kind stranger would come along and help at the spots where i really just couldn't figure it out. As I'm almost to the top i see everyone else in my group coming back down. That was actually the hardest part for me, i didn't tell any of them this. But i really just wanted to be in the group picture on top of Angels Landing, but by the time i got there they had turned back. So i hurry up to the very top, look out take a picture by myself and head back down. Up there for less than five minutes. And everyone was ahead of me, and they had my lunch. They had all eaten by the time i got there. I thought that they were going to wait at the base of Angels. But by the time i got there they had headed back down to the car. So they were all about 2 miles ahead of me.

i don't think i'll probably ever do Angels Landing again. I've made it to the top now and it pretty much got the rest of my nerves. Plus (mom, don't yell at me) there was a bunch of snow near the top that was actually kinda slick and slightly terrifying to go up. Especially at the one spot where there was no chains, only rocks and some trees. And anytime of the year that i could make it there will probably be snow at the top, i don't think i could handle the heat of hiking it any other time of year.

Then we get back to camp and eat hot dogs for dinner and play scum again. Chat for awhile and head to bed.

Thursday night was the warmest night, but i kept getting kicked, so i really didn't sleep well.

Friday we get up and load up camp. Then play for a couple hours before heading home. We stop in Cedar for lunch so i can see Kim and meet her boyfriend. So far i like him, but i don't give approvals out as fast as i use to. Then the long drive back to Sandy where Mikes mom had dinner waiting for us. Then to Salt Lake to get Chris's car and then back to Logan. Where i was very excited to take a shower and sleep in my own bed. There is something very wonderful about the shower after a week of camping.

And that was basically the highlights of my spring break. I learned a lot of things this week. About myself and about people i was with.

I learned that I'm faster, stronger, and more fearless than i was last year. I am slowly starting to improve on everything. Am I where i want to be, oh no. But i could climb around a mountain without freaking out and wishing that i had help every step of the way. I handled myself.

I also wish that i could go camping much more often. I LOVE CAMPING!!! its such a great escape and its great fun. Its hard work, but somehow its relaxing. Plus you have some of the greatest conversations around campfires.

That was how I spent spring break this year, and now of course i have done no homework this week, but it was nice to run away for awhile.

The little Mazda that could

Tithing and prayers.
ALWAYS PAY YOUR TITHING!!! ALWAYS SAY YOUR PRAYERS!!!! that is how my car is still running.
For those of you who don't know my car, i have a little white '98 mazda proteg'e named Shakespeare Bon Jovi. It is named such because it is old, it's white, its still around and its Living on a prayer.

literally... my car is living on prayers and tithing. Although it is still trying to die and i just keep not letting it. So my wipers have decided that they don't want to work at all anymore. My battery is dead. (i got it tested) and yet my car still starts. I have a leak in my tranny. I need to get my breaks checked. And i can't actually have the heater or de-froster going while the car is stopped.

I honestly wouldn't trust driving my car to salt lake anymore.

But somehow it keeps going. And lasts a little longer than anyone is expecting it too.

Its just adding to my testimony of tithing, prayers AND of acquiring knowledge. The only reason i've managed to keep it alive this long is because of what little knowledge i was able to learn from Nelson before he went on his mission. So i always know when there is a new thing going wrong, because i can tell that something is different. Now don't make the mistake of thinking that i actually know anything about cars, i really don't. Someday i will, but today is not that day. I mostly just know when something isn't normal and i can guess kinda whats going on with it.

But all that aside, my car really shouldn't be running anymore. Thats where the other blessings come in. I found out i have a kid i work with who is a part time mechanic. Another girl i work with's dad owns a mechanic shop or something and said he would take a look at my car for free. AND i have a guy in the bishopric who is kinda a big deal with o'reily auto parts and knows about cars who thinks he can fix my wipers for me.

So basically, my car defies all laws of something i'm sure. It should be dead, and its a pain to drive. But i'm still grateful for him everyday that I am driving him or i have a friend who needs a lift around Logan.

But in all honesty i love my car, i hate that its become unreliable and that i don't have the money to fix everything that needs to be fixed. But al the little quirks my car has gives it something.

my car has character.

So i can't actually unlock the passenger door from outside. But its not like i ever get in that side anyway. I have to turn off any heating or air conditioning at any stop sign or red light or else my belt starts squealing like a banshee. I can't really listened to burned CD's in my car. If i do i can't change the song or else it goes back to the beginning of the CD, if it will play it at all. It makes very distinct rattling noises every time i turn it on, and they change around a little bit when i'm going faster or slowed down. People who ride in my car get very concerned when i first turn it on. But i know what its suppose to sound like, so if i'm not yelling at it or looked don't worry, the car will stay in one piece. I have rust growing around pretty much every edge anymore, and if you get under the car not only is it incredibly dirty, but it is rusting away under there too. I have stains here and there all over, it really needs a deep deep cleaning. (but i don't clean it in the winter, its to cold.) i'm pretty sure something in the trunk broke from the Jack stands falling over. (just cracked it or something) (yes, i keep jack stands in my trunk, but they may get moved soon, to my closet or something) And basically the only reason i don't let people borrow my car, but i'll give you a ride is not because i don't trust you to drive my car. I don't trust my car to be driven.

But its MY car. He'll work for me, and lets be honest, it is NOT a car that you want to break into (which is actually very very very hard to do. I locked my keys in once. My cars is fortress) But its also my space.

More than once Shakespeare has been my get away car. When i'm angry or sad and just need to run away for a little bit, Shakespeare has never let me down. I can't count the number of times i have completely broken down into tears in that car (we've been together for around three years. Three years full of lots and lots of change) He never gives me trouble when i'm having a melt down. He's been there for me when i've needed to give others rides and when i've needed to chase down friends because they were walking in the dark. He also has made it so I've never had to walk in the dark. He actually has a very nice back seat that i've taken quick cat naps in when i had time to kill, but didn't want to drive back home just to come back somewhere. And he keeps me on my toes; just from having him as my car i'll probably be able to extend the life of future cars beyond what people think they should be.

That is Shakespeare. He's kinda like me. Is entirely out of his element. A lot of other people would have given up on him by now, especially if they had other options. Really not the classiest or prettiest thing to look at. Is not in anyway, shape or form the fastest. But he keeps plugging along. All his dents and rust flakes is what make him unique. And to know him is to love him. And I highly doubt that anyone will ever actually love Shakespeare the way i do. And as badly as i really could use a new car, i will be very sad the day that Shakespeare is no longer my chariot.

Thats 70's concert!

So Friday was an awesome amazing day! I went to class, and throughout the day saw people, chatted with people. I GOT TO COLOR PICTURES DURING MY 2 HOUR BREAK!!! which was great fun. And then we had our dress rehearsal for our choir concerts that night. As soon as Chamber was done rehearsing my friend Jordan runs up to me and says "Mandy, do you have anything you need to do right now?" I say "no." Jordan "Can you please run to the box office and get me 2 tickets for the 6 o'clock show for my parents before they sell out?" Me "yeah, not a problem" So i take his student I.D. and head to the box office, where literally three second before i get the tickets someone gets them on-line before me. So i feel terrible, and I'm wondering how my grandma is going to come as well. See they had reserved the back of the house for the choirs so that we could watch each other perform. So i go to Dr. Evans and ask if there is anyway that I can give up my seat for one of the concerts so that my grandma can watch. He says yes, and hands me one of the shirts we were wearing for her, that was her ticket in. But i still feel terrible about not being able to get tickets for Jordan, so at home i make him a cookie to take as an apology. (we had left over cookies from cookie decorating the night before.)
Then i head over to Mike and Justins because Justin needed to chat about some stuff. Well me and Mike have to head up to the concert at the same time so we decide to carpool. When i get there i'm chatting with some other choir people and find out that the shows ARE NOT sold out, there was a glitch in the system. So i run out to the lobby and get 2 tickets for Jordan, and then my grandma bought herself a ticket.
With that Chambers heads to the choir room to sing for some people who are having a dinner. (its all the people who donated money to renovate the choir room or something)then back to performance hall for the show. Which they ended up not having the choirs sit in the back and watch because so many people wanted to see the show.
and this show was SO MUCH FUN!!! we had a great music selection and it was just a lot of fun. After the first show i go say bye to grandma and then we get ready for the second show, where the crowd was even better than the first. After that Mike says i might want to find another ride home because he is going to help the band pack up and load up. I decide to stay and help to. (i'm this weirdo who likes hard manual labor) So after we are done loading up, (and the band gives up both free t-shirts) we are headed to his car and both decide we are hungry (its like 10:30 at night and we hadn't eaten since like three...well i hadn't...i don't know how long for Mike...but he's a boy, they are always hungry) So after we realize that Little ceasers is closed and we don't want to pay for dominoes we decide to go to Betos! well as we get in the car, he can't find his card anywhere so i tell him that i've got mine, i'll just buy this time. He goes "i'll pay you back". Me "No, how many times have you and Justin fed me?" He goes "fine but this is the last time." me-"till the next time?" Mike-"...till the next time."
So we go get our Betos and then head back to his place to eat. Where i realize what time it is (it was like...11) and i say "i need to get going, i have to get up at five for work" Mike goes "mandy, you need to leave." and then he gave me a creamsicle. So i took it and went home, where Megan and Erik were. So i give them an overview of the concert and then go to bed.
after about 4 1/2 hours of sleep I get up for my 8 hour shift. Apparntly i was pretty funny. I had this glazed look on my face for about 2 hours. Around 8 is when we finally got the rush of people which forced me to wake up. And then i worked until 2. However, during my shift someone called in sick and Julie was having a really hard time finding someone to cover. So i ask what time she still needs covered. She says 7-10:30. So i said that i would come back in (i didn't have as many hours next week [i guess this week now] as i wanted/needed so i figured picking up a few more would be a good idea.) So i go home for 5 hours and instead of doing homework i watch a movie and make hats. (i have a lady paying me to make hats) then i head back to work, have fun with the after game rush and then go home and sleep. which was wonderful., because i was really really tired.
and now its Valentines, and I am honestly looking forward to a great day. I refuse to let myself be sad because i am single. I am going to be a Valentine for a bunch of other people. (i already snuck out this morning and bought candy to give to people all day. I even swung by work to give some to the people their. I think they were surprised to see me come in at 5:30 in the morning. But i'll have more candy for the night shift tonight.)

25 Simple Truths.

simple truths that i have learned. about myself and other things.

#1- we all have bad days.

#2- we all have good days.

#3- we all have blah days.

#4- how we handle said days makes the difference in how long the last.

#5- the vast majority of people really aren't drive-thru idiots. the idiots are just the ones we remember.

#6- people are basically good. don't try to tell me they are not.

#7- i quiet possibly have some of the best friends in the world. Even if your not someone i talk to on a regular basis, i really am glad to have you in my life.

#8- being farther away form my family ha made me want to talk to them more.

#9- music theory is stupid. why must it be so complicated.

#10- Nothing is ever as simple or as complicated as we want to make it.

#11- fast food is over priced.

#12- i love good conversation. I would much rather have good conversation than watch a movie anytime. Not that i don't love movies, i just love good conversation more.

#13- Good food ALWAYS goes with good conversation.

#14- going to bed early is not a bad thing.

#15- there is good and bad in EVERYTHING. So no matter what your looking for, you will always find it.

#16- sometimes it is just really hard to find the good. but it is there, i promise.

#17- I wish that i was a more outgoing person in parties and large social situations
where i don't know a lot of people. But i'm not. And its not just a comfort level thing. I get actual anxiety over being somewhere where i don't know a lot of the people. i'm working on it, i'm better in small groups. But it is how I am, and there is nothing wrong with it.

#18- I really do have a good older sister. who is a good older sister when she wants to be. And at the end of the day, i know she would be there if i needed her.

#19- yes, you can cut yourself tying balloons. and yes it hurts.

#20- sometimes taking the bus isn't a bad thing.

#21- always double check the juice you are buying, or else you go home with the wrong stuff and stiff have to drink it.

#22- baby your car, always listen for new sounds, and you should be able to keep it running. Even when it is literally rusting away on you.

#23- find joy in the small and simple things. Because then the small bad things don't seem as big. And the big good things are even greater.

#24- love DOES exist. you will NEVER be able to convince me otherwise. I see it everyday. and i feel it everyday. It is everywhere, look for it.

#25- there are a lot more simple truths. learn them. remember them. apply them. they are fun to see.

water glass.

yeah.
I try to post happy posts and I try to be a happy person. But today was the day i had time to blog and remembered to.

and yesterday was a day full of blows to the self-esteem.

apart they would all basically be small and wouldn't have really bothered me. but when all of them hit at once, they hurt.

and i spend the night curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep wishing that i could just be this or that. that i could change this or that. wishing i was somebody else.

and now its gotten really stupid in the sense that i like who i am generally. This is what the everything boils down to this time.

I feel like i am an ok person. I am a good friend, if you ever need anything i'll be there for you. I like to have fun. I like to play. I like to dance. I'm not a 4.0 student, but i'm not a complete idiot either. i like to go try new things. I am a hard worker.

but i'm not the girl you would date.

because i'm not enough. I am a great friend to have. I'll listen to all you girl problems. and i can play with the guys without them being weird because i'm a girl.

but i'm not the girl you are attracted to.

because that girl is pretty, and smart, and cute, and fun, and out going, and happy, and talented, and caring...and attractive.

and i'm not her.

and so you don't like me. i'm a great friend to have around and you wish that i could find someone too. you honestly do, not just to get rid of me, but because you know i want it.

but how many of your other friends to you introduce me to? when someone is looking for a blind date, how often do you suggest me? When you talk about wanting to set other friends up, how often do i come to mind?

i don't.

all of my friends and roommates current and old come to mind. the girl who lives upstairs comes to mind.

but i get forgotten.

because when i'm not there, guys forget that i even am alive.

when I am there, they forget that i am a girl. or they don't realize that a lot of comments they make can actually hurt a lot.

when they make certain jokes. when they are talking about other girls and one guy says "is she cute?" and the guy can't say that she is gorgeous, but she is cute. the other guys will say, very sarcastically. "she's got a great personality"

my personality is all i have.

i know when i'm not there, i'm never thought of as pretty, or cute. i'm just mandy.

if your having a bad day, or you need a shift covered. If you want help making dinner, if you need a shoulder to cry on. If you need a hug, or a distraction from life just call me up.

because i won't be doing anything.

and i'll be more than happy to help you.

because i want to see you happy. because i care about you.

and its the same thing with girls.

when you need to find another girl to double with for you date this weekend. guess what i'm not doing anything. guess what else...

your not going to think to ask me.

when your having a bad day because some jerk just hurt you. you;ll call me up, we'll make cookies, watch a disney movie, plot revenge and leave feeling a little less hurt.

but when a group of you are going to mardi gras next weekend and i'm sitting right there

you won't invite me.

you'll say "bye mandy, try to do something fun tonight."

yeah? doing what? everyone else is at mardi gras, or with their significant other.

basically people pass by me.

I'm a glass of water.

a glass of water on the counter next to sodas, and juice, and milk, and cider.

your not going to remember i'm there. you want something with some flavor and color. excitement.

but when you really need to re-hydrate. you'll remember. take a drink. and then set me back down and move on.

because thats what it feels like to be Mandy today.

and I'm not saying this the actual truth all the time. and I'm not saying anbody has ever done any of this intentionally.

but thats what it feel like today.

and it hurts.

Logan roller coaster ride

Oy. since my birthday life has been one up and down roller coaster. So 2 days after my birthday i was invited to join the Utah State Chamber singers. (the top choir on campus), i fit into a new pair of jeans that are a size smaller than the last ones of the exact same cut and style i got about 6 months ago. and I found out i am getting a promotion at work. Than last week hit. Life was great until Wednesday. Wednesday i was followed home from classes by some creeper and it freaked me out. Friday i read an article in teh statesman about a peeping tom in my area. so i went and reported creeper man to campus police. during the day, i also found out that a very close friend of mine's dad isn't doing very well. (i don't know how public this friend wants this, and its his business not mine to tell.) so i immediately start worrying about him. that night is the Celebration of the arts gala where (drum roll) AUDRA MCDONALD CAME AND SANG!!!!! and i got to shake her hand. which was amazing.
after said gala i took some cookies and milk to said friend for his car ride home. because we both know that it was going to be a long one.
saturday i get up and go to work. nothing to exciting happens. I go home and plan on a nap. my roommate and her boyfriend were having lunch when i got home. so i go into my room. check my e-mail and stuff first. as i'm about to head to bed i decide to check our front room because i don't hear megan and erik anymore and if they had left i wanted to make sure the front door was closed. i poked my head out to look...yeah...they were still here...apparently erik needed CPR or something. :) i gave her much crap later.
Sunday morning i had a nice little melt down because of creeper man. went to church. came home, (been feeling a lot better) and megan wanted to invite mike over for milkshakes. so we do.
Monday i get up early to go sing with chamber singers down in salt lake (also, sunday mornig everything was looking like it was going to be ok with said friend...as far as i knew. and creeper man wasn't inside my head anymore) the trip to salt lake was much fun. much much fun. chambers are a fun group of people. and all very very nice.
so i get home and decide i need a nap so i go to lie down. my phone starts ringing in the other room. i run and answer it. it is said friend...his dad took a turn for the worse. he was in the hospitol headed for surgery. i was already planning on covering part of his shift, i told him to not worry about coming in. I'd take the whole shift. he really didn't need to worry about work. he was really just not ok on the other line and it was taking every ounce of self control to not go over and see him. but he said he wanted to be alone.
so i go to work and most of my shift i feel like i'm going to throw up (i think i got food poisoning) and now i've skipped my first class because i don't want to stand up because i feel like throwing up.
i would elaborate more. but i knew i had to get an entry in before dad scolds me for not writing one. ;) but my mind is everywhere now.

20 years of Wisdom

So as of yesterday i have been alive for 20 years. And over the course of that time i have learned a lot of things.

Everyone was dumb in 7th grade, thats part of being that age. We all thought we were so grown up and cool, but we really weren't.

Life is all about perspective, something my mother has taught me (she told me this in reference to moving, but i think it applies everywhere.) there is good and bad everywhere and your going to find what you are looking for. I've tried to start training myself to see the good, because it really is there. and i do see it.

cardboard is a completely acceptable sled as long as the hill has iced over a little.

college cooking sometimes very funny and very interesting, but usually good.

everyone should be required to work fast food in there life sometime.

Objects will never replace relationships with actual people.

Music is what emotions sound like.

We all have greatness in us, sometimes we just have to wait for someone to give us permission to release it. I we don't even realize all they did was give us a key that we had in our pocket the whole time.

Wing Wednesday is on Tuesdays and Thursdays, don't question it, just accept it.

College is so much better than high school, and a lot of the lessons you learn you don't learn in a classroom.

Box forts just get cooler the older you get.

People are all different, but the same. Culture is a fascinating thing.

I have been blessed with some of the most amazing people in the world. I quite possibly have the best friends in the world. All i wanted for my birthday this year was to be surrounded by good friends and good food. I got my wish, my apartment was full of friends and food. thats how i want my birthdays to be from now on. I couldn't believe how many people were there, but the best part was i knew all of them. they were ALL my good friends. I dont' know how it was for everyone else. But it felt so warm, and wonderful. I don't remember the last time that i was that blissfully happy just standing in a room. Whats more, i can't believe what amazing friends i have. Everyone in that room was just a good person, kind caring, a friend. People were talking with each other. It was so wonderful. I just want to do it again. i still cna't believe the people in my life.

Another thing i have learned is that the Lord has an incredible hand in my life. He is watching over me and taking care of me. I've had challenges, lots of them. Life is a challenge, but i've never been left hanging out to dry. He knows right when to step in and help.

The most important lessons in life aren't taught through a lecture, but expierence. We need to be willing to let people teach us things about life.

I've learned i need to sing quieter when i sing hymns in church. I use to think that me singing slightly louder than what was comfortable for me was how i should sing them, to worship, like the Lord couldn't hear me if i was quiet. But i sat next to friend once who doesn't really sing, even though he has a good voice. And he was simply singing the hymn to worship. I learned so much from that. He doesn't even know he taught.

The people who have taught me the most were being themselves, i learned from their examples. I wanted to be more like they were.

Words don't mean much. As much i love words, and i love to paint pictures with them. But i don't learn much from words. I learn from examples.

Love hurts. Learning to love hurts. But learning from it is much better than holding in the sad feelings.

And mostly i've learned the more i learn the less i know.

But i'm excited to see what the next year brings me.

New Year

Well it is officially 2011, and My New Year was quite fun. I hung out with four boys, watched movies and three of them play poker at Midnight we went outside and set off 2 fireworks that were of questionable legality... (and only two because it was FREEZING COLD outside!!!!) then went back to Mike and Justin's and watched an episode of supernatural and I almost fell asleep on their couch. (and by almost i basically did, but Justin woke me up so i could go home.) I also had much fun earlier in the evening when i got off work. First my car was frozen shut so Cheryl sent Raymond out to help me get it open. Then i thought i would let the inside warm up while i scraped off the outside...genius I am i locked my keys in my car WITH it running (and i was almost out of gas) So after trying to call mulitple people and no one answering their phones, I went back inside the store to see if anyone was on break and could run me home. Thankfully Hailey was and I asked Cheryl if she could be a little bit late back from break because i needed to go home and get my spare key. Mike was on the present Window and my car was also parked on that side of the store, so I asked him if he could keep an eye on my car while i ran home, at which point he handed me his keys offering to let me take his car. but Hailey was already back up front with her keys. So we hurry home and I run back, spending Christmas money on gas so that i could have enough in my car. Needless to say it was an adventure. Which life is full of. I'm looking forward to a New Year, full of new Adventures, and trying to Learn from all the adventures that i had last year.