Haven't been sleeping.

This post could be really funny. I've had this problem the last week or so where I can't seem to sleep. So I'm really really really really tired... like really tired.

I don't know why either, I've been going to bed and trying to sleep. But I just lie there, hanging out in that weird place between asleep and awake. the last three nights I've still been basically awake when my roommate gets home from work. (she works graveyards so she comes in any time between 4-7) So I really don't like being awake when she gets home. Because i get to bed somewhere between 11 and midnight usually.

But the guys who live two doors down are awesome! They built a snow cave at the end of our building! HOW FUN!!!! I'm going to spray it with my spray bottle later so it gets encased in ice, hopefully making it stronger. I told them that they should make a flag for it and call it a Chateu.

I've been having really weird dreams too. and I'm getting to the point where I can't really remember them. Just parts of them. Like a few nights ago I had one where Becca's harp was in the dream and My little brother was i think trying to tune it and I FREAKED OUT at him because you can't touch becca's harp! It's expensive! and ITS A HARP! DON"T TOUCH IT WITHOUT HER HERE!!!! And it's was like...triple stringed. It was really really cool. But I don't know why it was there. And I can't remember last nights dream, but it was weird. I remember that.

I really don't have a point to my post today, other than I am killing time until I go meet with a teacher to pick a project from last semester and make it through chambers.

I also need to buy milk today.

and maybe brownie mix...i've been on a huge brownie kick this winter. I just want brownies...like all the time...it's bad.

I want to make cookies too.

but that requires way to much energy right now.

If anyone has any funny home videos, today would be the day to show me. I would probably end up in tears laughing.

I have to watch the stupid cat video today...it will be so funny when usually it's stupid...

Guys...you should not let me near youtube today...

I promise i'm not always this bad. I'm in such a weird space today. and I promise I'm not high or on illicit drugs or drunk or anything. I'm just inconceivably tired.

I WANT TO WATCH THE PRINCESS BRIDE!!!!

Guys...i think i may go and find a couch to sleep on before class...this inner monologue is starting to get to scattered for me.

Getting stuck adventures.

So, yesterday we had awesome amounts of snowfall. With my stupid little dying car I managed to get stuck a couple of times. However, the only time that I didn't have someone there to help was the worst one. And I was laughing the whole time.

So I was coming back from a friends and the parking lot in front of my building was full, so I move to the gravel pit. knowing that my car will be stuck the next morning, but I really didn't have another choice. Plus it was about 11:30 at night and I just wanted to go to bed. Well... I got stuck in the entrance into the gravel pit. The snow was to deep for me to get through.

I start pulling out all the tricks, trying to rock back and forth, except my car kept turning off while i was trying to switch gears. All I managed to do was get more stuck.

So I think that I'll put it in neutral and rock it manually...I was up against a snow bank and I couldn't get my door open. From the perception I had from the other side of the car, I had a snow bank there too, couldn't get that door open. Also my windows were frozen shut.

Because I am a horribly social human being, I only had three numbers of people in my building in my phone. My building was less than a hundred yards away, full of people who would be willing to help me if I could go knock on their doors.

So I try to call the 3 people whose numbers I did have. No one answered. So I call my friend Becca who lives about 2 blocks away. I'm pretty much laughing because it was honestly just really comical.

So while I'm waiting for Becca to get there with the shovels, an older gentleman was wanting to get into the same parking lot. So he pulls up, apparently I could have opened my passenger door. So him and 2 other guys help me get un-stuck just as Becca and her roommate show up with shovels. So after I'm out int eh street, they shovel the entrance into the gravel pit and I drive to a parking spot that might as well have been a snow drift and I'm just digging my car out later today.

The funny part that just added to ir, I open my door to finally get out and the snow is up to the bottom of my car...I was in flats and a skirt. No stockings.

Welcome to Logan, my friends. Welcome to Logan.

Hugs and Ben and Jerry's

Sometimes in life, you just need a hug.

...And Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

I think people grossly under estimate the good that can come from a hug. Just the feeling of someone else's arms around you brings a sense of...security? Safety? connection? Something like that.

I think it's because you can tell a lot more through touch than you think you can. A lot of times, you can tell a dishonest touch. When someone is giving you that hug or grabbing your arm or whatever for selfish reasons. But there is an honest to goodness different feel when that hug is for "Hello!" or "It's going to be okay" or something like that.

I wish people hugged more.

However, when you have decided to lock yourself away for the night, there is always en and Jerry's phish food. Which always is wonderful. :)

Going Public

So...I think my blog is about to go public. And that scares me.

I have put a lot of very personal things in here. Some things that I should have probably said to the person, but lacked the courage. But, I don't want to hide any of my feelings. This is my safe place where I can write what I want and I don't have to be right or wrong.

This is the place where you will probably see more of me than anywhere else. And that scares me. I have a hard time letting people in.

I don't put everything on here. I still have my walls and barriers. But I've always been better at writing feelings that at saying them out loud. I've been shut down a lot.

So I guess what I'm saying is...Welcome to my blog. Please be nice. This is hard for me.

And yes, I do know I spelled "building" wrong in the URL.

Mommy

So, i didn't have a blog on Mothers Day, and moms birthday was on Sunday. So i thought my next blog should be in honor of her x amount of years of wisdom. (i'm pretty sure i would not be on her good list if i put her age down.)

Moms are incredible people. And mine is no exception. For starters she puts up with me and my siblings. They also are teachers. My mom has taught me a lot of things.

Mom taught me how to make fried rice (amongst other things)Which is one of my favorite foods and has been my birthday dinner for about ten years now...at least.

Mom taught me a love of music, like my dad. But she taught me more how it can touch the soul. She sang "Come thou Fount of every blessing" at my grandpas (her dads) funeral. And to this day that song touches my soul.

She taught me how to drive (now you know who to blame it on. ;])

22 years and counting

Well, a little over a week late, here is my 22 years of wisdom.

I have learned a lot this last year, maybe thats what I get for thinking that I'm starting to have a grasp on things. I had my heart broken deeper than I thought possible. (especially for someone who has never been in a relationship) I had the best job anyone could ever possibly ask for. I went on a trip outside of America for the first time in my life. I voted in my first presidential election. I watched many friends get married. I even watched some become parents. I've watched friend graduate. I've seen others return to school. I've had people I love end up in hospitals. I've been dealing with my own issues. My car survived another year, but I don't think it's even got a few months left in it.

Basically I've learned that I know nothing about how life works. Every time I think i've got a plan, and I've got at least something figured out life will throw me another curve ball.

probably trying to make me stronger or something.

I sometimes wonder if I'm as strong as the Lord seems to think I am. but when I get really bad I try to remember the things that I have learned and I DO know.

I have better friends than I deserve. Ones that put up with me calling them in tears at 1:30 in the morning. Ones that will hold me when I'm crying for no reason. Ones that will show up with chocolate. Ones that make me laugh. Ones that let me feed them. Ones that let me help them. Ones that ask me to come kill the spiders. Ones that will get things off the top shelf for me. Ones that will take me for a drive and just talk with me. Ones that let me fall asleep on their couch. Ones who love me for some strange reason.

I have a family that is probably dysfunctional, but we make it work. And without fail. we make it another day. We are close enough in our extended family that someone in the family will always know the answer to just about anything. From cooking to cars to cleaning to finding somewhere to live. I couldn't go hungry if I tried with this family of mine. And while we aren't perfect, we are us. And at the end of the day we know that we love each other, and sometimes, thats all we need.

I've learned that life isn't always black and white. In fact, it almost never has a black and white answer. So I guess I just try to find where I can live where it is mostly white and just slightly grey. I try to find the white answer (and I DO NOT mean that in a racist way, in fact it has absolutely nothing to do with skin color. just metaphors of correct and wrong answers) I'm not the judge of life, so I have learned that I try very hard not to judge others decisions, just because I think I know whats best and right for them doesn't mean I have the right to say it is the end all be all. We all have our own trials and our own crosses to bear that no one else, no matter how much we love them, know them, and care about them, can understand what it is to carry it. So I just love them and pray for them to be happy.

I've learned that cockroaches do in fact live in Utah and I hate them. I've learned that housecleaning is a tedious job and that everyone should leave a tip for the maid. I've learned mozzarella cheese is amazing! and I love it. I've learned that with Love and the Lord, you can make it through anything. He will bring you to the place where he wants you to be. You just have to trust him. And that is the single hardest thing to do. Trust that he knows you, he loves you, and he won't leave you alone. He won't lead you astray. He won't abandon you. He will ask you to give up whatever it is that is hardest for you to give up. But if you can trust him enough, he will give you something better than you could ever imagine. I'm no where near trusting him like I need to. I'm actually rather bad at it. I like to hold onto what little control I have left in my life. But I know it. and sometimes, just knowing that trusting him will make it all for the best eventually, is enough to make it one more day.

I learned what it is to be in honest and true love with someone. Willing to love them, warts and all, knowing that it is going to be hard and that it will have challenges, but knowing we could make it all the same. Knowing that if we held onto each other and relied on the Lord we could make it and be happier than we could possibly imagine. I also learned that he didn't feel the same way.

And there is nothing wrong with that. That is his decision. I can't make it for him. And I can't fault him. I don't fault him for that. I can't understand entirely his side of it, just as he can't understand all of mine. All I do is continue to love him and continue to be his friend. And that is fine. That's how I know I love him. His friendship in my life is worth more than a terribly broken heart.

Basically this year, I learned I really don't know anything like I thought I did. But, thats okay. I just keep learning and keep going forward. And know that I will make it eventually.

Happy Birthday!

Christmas time is here.

So because I am awesome at remembering to write or anything I have to quick post about christmas because my birthday is tomorrow and I always have to leave that one for it's own post.

So Christmas time. My family came out from Texas to move Rachel home. She is going to start mission papers. :) and we are all really excited about it. So we had Christmas over at grandma's and it was indeed great fun. I did a lot of travel back and forth between Tremonton and Logan because i was working. (had my last day Tuesday. the job just didn't work out. it happens) So yeah. One of the nights they were out I made a roast chicken, my family has never tasted my roast chicken and if i do say so myself, i have learned how to make a really good one in the last few years. The funny part was my grandmas oven is pretty high up for oven placement. When the door is down it is about even with my chest. So trying to get this stupid chicken out one of the times to check it, I manage to burn my upper arm. that was fun. But it ended up being okay because my family still liked the chicken and not all the vegetables turned out undercooked. It was indeed a learning experience.

So Christmas eve. I had to work, but I was done by about noon. So I quick went back to my place showered, packed up the last of my things and headed back to grandmas. When I got there I don't even remember everything we did during the day. But the whole family was there which means lots of goofing off and chasing each other down the hallway. Sitting on Richard, being a raptor, eating goodies left out, endlessly making fun of each other. Ya know, family things.

WE have a tradition in our family that we eat out every Christmas eve (unless it's sunday, then we make a ham) Well we had the option of going to Denny's or Denny's so we chose Denny's. IT WAS COLD IN THAT DENNY"S!!!!!!! And poor mom, she was trying so hard to just take a nice picture of all her children. and of course there were about five pictures like this

Before she finally got one like this.

She was getting so mad at us, but we finally said "did you ever ask us to pose nice or did you just take out your camera?" So she asked and we posed. And then went back to being siblings.

After dinner we head back out to the car to go christmas caroling. Another Massengale tradition. We make up plates of goodies and then the Massengales may show up on your front door step in three part harmony. And we love it. We really are going to learn another song besides "Angels we have heard on high" eventually. But we have gotten really good at that one.

Then we head back to grandmas so dad can read "the night before christmas" before we all go to bed.

We wake up Christmas morning and see what Santa brought us. I got a new battery charge for my camera. YAY! of course i accidentally left my camera in Logan. I got some moveis and sound tracks. But the greatest present of all was from my parents. I dont' know if i ever mentioned this to everyone, but when I was 17 I wrote a one act that was produced when I was 18. I was able to record it on our old school camcorder. My parents were able to find someone who to put it on a DVD. I now own it on DVD. I was so excited!!!!!! Then we lounged all day and had prime rib for dinner. We have it once a year and it is on Christmas. And this year, it was quite possibly the best piece of meat i have ever eaten in my entire life.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but I love Christmas time with my family. We play games, and give each other crap and it's just how it works. This was the last Christmas that we will all be together for who knows how long. I've got younger siblings going on missions and Kim could easily go and get married on us, then deal with in-laws. But It was great to be together again.