water glass.

yeah.
I try to post happy posts and I try to be a happy person. But today was the day i had time to blog and remembered to.

and yesterday was a day full of blows to the self-esteem.

apart they would all basically be small and wouldn't have really bothered me. but when all of them hit at once, they hurt.

and i spend the night curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep wishing that i could just be this or that. that i could change this or that. wishing i was somebody else.

and now its gotten really stupid in the sense that i like who i am generally. This is what the everything boils down to this time.

I feel like i am an ok person. I am a good friend, if you ever need anything i'll be there for you. I like to have fun. I like to play. I like to dance. I'm not a 4.0 student, but i'm not a complete idiot either. i like to go try new things. I am a hard worker.

but i'm not the girl you would date.

because i'm not enough. I am a great friend to have. I'll listen to all you girl problems. and i can play with the guys without them being weird because i'm a girl.

but i'm not the girl you are attracted to.

because that girl is pretty, and smart, and cute, and fun, and out going, and happy, and talented, and caring...and attractive.

and i'm not her.

and so you don't like me. i'm a great friend to have around and you wish that i could find someone too. you honestly do, not just to get rid of me, but because you know i want it.

but how many of your other friends to you introduce me to? when someone is looking for a blind date, how often do you suggest me? When you talk about wanting to set other friends up, how often do i come to mind?

i don't.

all of my friends and roommates current and old come to mind. the girl who lives upstairs comes to mind.

but i get forgotten.

because when i'm not there, guys forget that i even am alive.

when I am there, they forget that i am a girl. or they don't realize that a lot of comments they make can actually hurt a lot.

when they make certain jokes. when they are talking about other girls and one guy says "is she cute?" and the guy can't say that she is gorgeous, but she is cute. the other guys will say, very sarcastically. "she's got a great personality"

my personality is all i have.

i know when i'm not there, i'm never thought of as pretty, or cute. i'm just mandy.

if your having a bad day, or you need a shift covered. If you want help making dinner, if you need a shoulder to cry on. If you need a hug, or a distraction from life just call me up.

because i won't be doing anything.

and i'll be more than happy to help you.

because i want to see you happy. because i care about you.

and its the same thing with girls.

when you need to find another girl to double with for you date this weekend. guess what i'm not doing anything. guess what else...

your not going to think to ask me.

when your having a bad day because some jerk just hurt you. you;ll call me up, we'll make cookies, watch a disney movie, plot revenge and leave feeling a little less hurt.

but when a group of you are going to mardi gras next weekend and i'm sitting right there

you won't invite me.

you'll say "bye mandy, try to do something fun tonight."

yeah? doing what? everyone else is at mardi gras, or with their significant other.

basically people pass by me.

I'm a glass of water.

a glass of water on the counter next to sodas, and juice, and milk, and cider.

your not going to remember i'm there. you want something with some flavor and color. excitement.

but when you really need to re-hydrate. you'll remember. take a drink. and then set me back down and move on.

because thats what it feels like to be Mandy today.

and I'm not saying this the actual truth all the time. and I'm not saying anbody has ever done any of this intentionally.

but thats what it feel like today.

and it hurts.