little things

It really is the little things that will make or brake you. Last night I went over to Michaels to change my brake pads on my car, since he knew what he was doing and me...not as much. its been awhile since i've changed brake pads. So we've taken off the pads and are trying to put the new ones on, but we can't seem to make them fit. we both spent a good amount of time looking at them trying to figure out what was wrong. ( the '98 protoge was not the smartest car ever designed.) so i'm looking at it and i realize there are these 2 things on the side that look like maybe they compress...i figured there wasn't anything to lose, so we give it a shot. Lo and behold, everything goes back together. and now my brakes don't make deathly sounds when i try to stop. I actually need to get one of my rhoders smoothed out. ( i let the pads wear way to far down.) although, the pads on one side were completely worn away while the pads on the other side still had plenty of pad left. who knows.
But isn't it always the little things that make a difference? for good or bad. a little over a week ago i was having a terrible day, and i mean i was just grumpy a lot of personal insecurities were starting to surface with my jury getting ever closer. And we went cliff jumping, which is actually a lot of fun. I just have a hard time jumping when i get to the edge of the cliff. Well i was taking awhile to jump and I just couldn't get myself to jump off, my friends were trying to get me to jump. and one of the tactics they used (and meaning to be funny with it) was saying things like "you can't do it." (they know that i have this issue where i like to spite people sometimes.) and i know what they were saying and what i was hearing were 2 very different things. how could they have known that i was struggling with feelings of " i can't do anything right." they couldn't have. so i kept it to myself. but it did bring up a lot of different things inside.
Later that night, i was alone and feeling sad. I just kept wishing that someone cared. (Which i know people do, but everyone needs reminders every now and then. because we are humans.) The next day I really didn't even care about appearing ok. i was to tired emotionally and physically to actually care if i seemed ok.
So i get up, I can't find my work hat. I thankfully had a shorter shift that day. i think i only worked 6 hours. So i go, thankfully the manager on shift didn't care that i could find my hat that morning. And while i was polite and just fine with customers, as soon as i didn't have to deal with customers i was done. I didn't care.
Then of course as I go on break, i get my schedule for the next week. and i only had 14 hours. so i go back to the crew room. eat something really fast. call mom to see if we are anywhere closer to having a plan for when they are coming out. and then hung up with about 15 minutes left on break. So i decide i need to get out of the store. So i hurry out the front door, passing Mike as I go who says hi, which i say hi back, but i wasn't in the mood to chat.
So I sit out in my car and just lie there listening to the rain falling on the car. Trying to calm down, knowing that i'm much more likely to get angry fast on a day like this, and the lunch rush was about to start. and it is impossible to go through a lunch rush without some customer being angry.
So I get off break, not really feeling any better. And get put on present, so i get to deal with handing the food out to people. Mike was on the the second side of grill. (the side that is much easier to come up front from) So we have a slow second and he comes up and asks "Mandy, are you ok?" I'm handing out an order so I just mumble, "I'm just having a rough day". and then he has to get back to grill because orders have popped up. he doesn't actually know how i actually did feel a little better after he came to me and asked if i was ok. (he doesn't exactly have a track record of asking me how I am.) a few minutes later, when we had a milisecond break, he came up, "are you not feeling well?" ( i had been sick a few days earlier) and I just said "i'm just having a bad day." I really didn't want to talk about it at work.
So I get off and come home. get ready for a voice lesson. walk up to campus, and of course during my lesson i put on the "everything in life is great" face. meanwhile everything was just another blow. I know my teacher is just trying to tell me what ot work on, and she did give me praise to for the things i've been improving on. But i still just kept hearing "not good enough" in the back of my head.
I get home, my roommate comes home, and out of relfex i put on the "life is okay" face. But a little later Mike came over, just to see if i was okay. (i can't actually remember a time he's ever done that) But i really didn't want to talk about it in front of my roommate either. So we go outside to chat. And i told him some of the surface things that were going on. (he doesn't realize there are a lot of depth problems that make the surface problems eat me) I mentioned some family things, I mentioned the "i can't do it" feeling. i mentioned how i hate my job, but i don't really want to quit until my little sister has a job secured, in case i try to get her a job there. after listening for awhile he tells me some things to help and then says "Mandy, you should look for a new job this week." "Mandy, you need to do something for you." (funny, i get that a lot actually) and i listened to some of his advice. But he had a date to get ready for, and I had institute soon. So we parted. but i felt a little better. someone cared. someone cared enough to ask if i was ok, and then actually listened to what i was saying.
So i go to institute, which helped. I love my teacher. I chatted with him for a few minutes after class. Then went home and ended up looking on the job board just to see what was available. and there it was...a personal assistant job. the kind of job i wanted. I figured worst that could happen is i don't get it right? So I go next door to see if Justin can help me make a resume. and so it began.
Friday i wake up, and i wasn't ok, but i was better. and that was enough to put on a face. Instead of a resume, i stalled for time by sending an e-mail for more information about the job.
Satruday, i closed counter at work. which made me incredibly grumpy because i hate closing counter. I get home and i pop by Mike and Justins, because me and Mike were going to carpool south the next week for Harry Potter, and we were trying to work out details. (i had to move a voice lesson around) before i get gone Ryan comes home. We end up chatting a little bit and I decide i need to start heading to bed. But Ryan asks me something and I just mention that i've had a really rough week. Ryan- "do you want to talk about it?" me- "your roommates are going to bed." he says " we can talk at your place if you want." So i decide i'll just give him the surface problems like i did mike and then i can go to bed. but Ryan wasn't in a rush, and neither was I. So we ended up getting to some of the depth issues. We end up on the couch, and he has an arm around me and is just listening to me. thats the first time in my life that has ever happened.
Towards the end of our conversation he says something that is little to everyone else. but meant a lot to me. he said "Mandy, you are a very special person. And someday you will have someone who knows that and treats you like the princess you are."
That was the first time in my life I've ever been compared to a princess.
after that, little things kept going right. Sunday I had a good friend come over for dinner. Not a big thing. but it made my night.
Monday I learned a new song that i can hand clap to. Not a big thing. but it made me happy. and i got a slurpee, and they had a cherry flavor. :)
Tuesday, i got an e-mail back about the personal assistant job.
Wednesday I went ciff jumping and Ryan took me out to dinner.
Thursday i got to see my family, my best friends and Harry Potter, plus i got a really cool wand.
Friday I came back up to Logan with Mike and we got lost a few times. which was great fun.
Saturday i got off work an hou early, went out to see my family at grandmas (my cousins were all up and my 3 great uncles)
Sunday we made smoothies. and i got the e-mail saying that I officially had the job as the personal assistant.
all little things.
little things made my life suck.
little things made me smile again.