working it out.

Here we are, New Years Eve of 2011. And it has been a year of lessons...and the second half was a LOT of hard ones. I've been scammed, put on probation, dealt with a lot of personal emotional issues, had my heart broken (again) and most recently...i am no longer a music major. I didn't pass my jury a few weeks ago. I've been trying very very hard to be happy, bottom line, I'm not.

And now I am spending New Years alone on my couch. I'm sure there are things I could be doing with friends, but i don't even feel like trying to get a hold of anyone.

It's no one else's fault for any of these things. I've learned a lot from my failures. I just wish I could write something happier right now, but I feel 2 things anymore. sad or empty. really, there is nothing in between.

And I will be Happy again, i promise. I just have a lot of things I need to work out. I'm sure 2012 will bring me plenty of adventures. And I know things will turn around so here are the things I just NEED to say, so i can start burying the dead.

1. I KNOW MR.RIGHT IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE! I DON'T NEED YOU TO KEEP TELLING ME!!! but that doesn't stop it hurting now. no, i've never been in a relationship, doesn't mean that i don't get my heart broken. i know that "he'll" come along sometime, what i want to know is why can't i have a few dates along the way? so please stop telling me "he's" coming. Because right now I just want someone who will hold me while i'm trying to put myself back together. and I wish i could understand why that is such an outrageous request.

2. I know i need a job. I know i need to stop talking about money issues. but did it ever occur to anyone that i'm scared? i'm trying to figure things out, i know i can't keep living off my parents. but people really seem to under estimate my lack of work skills. and it's really hard when you look at all these people around you with these scholarships, and great jobs and then look at yourself and your Xthousands of dollars in student debt and it looks like you'll probably be moving from fast food to a call center and you can't get anything better.

3. I am trying to be a better student. Do you really think I like being stupid? I try to understand. I try to study. I try to practice. BUT I SUCK AT IT! i've never learned how to do that. i'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm saying i'm trying to figure it out. but it's really hard when you can't seem to just do it. it shouldn't be that hard. But i've never been good at it. I just don't know how to do it.

4. No, i didn't pass my jury. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I was the one who didn't practice. I was the one who didn't talk to my teachers when I was struggling. It's all on me. And now i'm sitting here watching my dream float away from me. and I have no idea what to study or go into. I want to teach high school choir. I can't handle elementary school. I can't do it. I NEED the high school students.

those are really the big ones that i'm willing to make public right now. and I always feel guilty when i start feeling bad for myself or when i struggle. because i know that i have SO many friends whose issues are a thousand times worse than mine. but i've been breaking for months and now i've completely broken and i just had to get it out somewhere because i suck at talking about things like this face to face. i don't know how to be vulnerable. but i am trying to put myself back together. and this was something i could think of to start that.

so sorry it's a downer. I'm hoping 2012 will end better than 2011 did.

Happy New Year.