Chronicles of a former writer.

I had this really sad realization hit me in english today.

I used to be a writer.

I don't know what happened, i don't know what changed.

When i was in Jr. High and High school I had multiple teachers tell me if i never put my name on my paper, they would still know it was mine. I had a very distinct voice, i took creative writing classes and always had A's. If there was something other than a research paper due in regular english, i took some of the highest scores in class. In the journals we would keep i wrote far beyond the required amount of entries, and drastically more than my other peers. I wrote a one- act that was performed my senior year, and I was paid for. I was never anywhere without a notebook.

I came to college, still never going anywhere without a notebook. New ideas were constantly buzzing around my head. My changing life and new perspectives constantly starting another story. I had more titles than any writer ever needed, just waiting to add a story to those titles. waiting to bring those characters to life.

I started a blog so that I could write my random thoughts, that were still me writing, but didn't really belong in a story, at least yet, i had no where to put them.

Then something changed.

My blog has slowly turned into more of a journal than the musings of a writer. I sometimes don't have a writing notebook on me at all. I don't remember the last time i started a new story. And now in english, i am barely passing. and my paper is not receiving the grades it should, because i am not writing worthy of the grades i could get the grades i use to get.

Today i realized, i have lost my voice.

somewhere in the last 2 years, i lost my voice. I don't know what happened. Is it simply because of my major i didn't have time to worry about other things? Where could it have gone?

use it o lose it. how many times in life have we been told that? i stopped using it. and now i lost it. is there any chance of me finding it again? i mean, voices change. understandably. but, to completely lose the writing voice i use to have? is that normal? does that happen to other writers?

Now i'm not going to say my voice was ever spectacular and amazing, where every word from my mouth deserved to be published. But i wasn't terrible. I could hold my own. and for a high schooler, i wasn't t shabby.

I use to not be afraid of taking risks, trying new genres, trying new ideas. I liked to write stories about the uncomfortable emotions that we as humans don't like feeling. I wanted to write things that would make someone feel.

I learned my favorite genre to write was scripts, because i loved dialogue. I didn't like having to try and find sentences to blur them all together. I liked having the words. I wanted characters to SAY the words of wisdom i felt the world should hear.

I wanted to put out new ideas, and see what the world would think of them. Iw anted to make people think. But i wanted to make them think with their hearts, not just their heads.

But i can't do that anymore. I can't write a simple paper for an english 2010 class. I get the points for doing it. but i can't paint a picture like i use to. I can't make you taste the cookies. I can only seem to write you the recipe. No one wants to read the recipe. you want to eat the cookie.

I don't even like reading my most recent blog posts. it's turned into a mere travel log.

not that my first ones were spectacular. but i had a different voice.

Where did Amanda Marie's voice go? (that was my pen name. Amanda Marie)

It made me truly sad to realize.

i use to be a writer.