A Ball Gown

So, at work, I am doing this pageant. This post is actually going to be a little risky, i'm hoping my sister doesn't randomly read it before Tuesday.

So at work they are doing the first ever Miss Deseret Pageant. And between the death threats of 2 friends and feeling bad no one was signing up, I filled out an application. which was funny, because i didn't have a printer. It was a funny process getting it figured out. But it was figured out.

So we go to our first "workshop" for the pageant and only three of us are there... After our boss Holly gets there they tell us something...They have already chosen the winners based on applications. (this had to do with lack of interest and the fact not many people signed up. and that this is kind of the Guinean pig year) I was then told that I was the second attendant to Miss Deseret... I am pageant Royalty.

This was such a mixture of emotions for me. I was excited, but I have issues with being the center of attention. I also didn't want to walk around on a stage and have people staring at me. It was just not my thing. And the closer it got to things, the less excited I got. For example, they were originally going to crown us at Brother Brighams Ball...but then they changed their minds. Which was unfortunate, because they said that we had to have dates because we needed escorts. My dad happened to have a business trip to Utah that weekend, and so he flew in a day early and took me to the ball. (which was sad that they didn't end up crowning us. I was really excited to see the look on my sisters face.)

Now a lot of the reasons i was getting less and less excited i won't go into, its a lot of personal issues i'm working on. However, because they were going to present us at the ball, Tate (one of my bosses) wanted all the royalty to look AMAZING! So we were getting first pick down in the closet. That led to one day after work Tate and April taking me into Narnia (the costume closet) and playing dress up. essentially. They found this nice dress. It was a darker green, with maroons and browns and stuff. They made a maroon sash to add to it, around the waist, to accent the waist line, and they found some maroon lace to put around the neck line. It was nice.

But... i secretly still wasn't looking forward to the ball... I didn't want to be the center of attention and the other 2 girls are so pretty. But my daddy was flying out, so i wasn't dreading it...until the day before.

April and Rachel-Anne (Miss Deseret and first attendant) were both going to KSL to advertise for the ball. and they both were wearing their ball gowns. THEY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! All the sudden my nice dress seemed so...plain. I didn't even want to think about having to stand next to them. I did not want to go to the ball anymore. I didn't tell anyone at the park that. But when i clocked in and went to my site, i was almost ready to cry.

Part way through the day I got a text from Tate, asking if i could help him with something that evening. I said sure. He said he just needed some help running errands. So around five he finds me in the basement of the hospital (thats where the employee lounge is) and we head out. As we are getting to his car he says we were going to get taffy. (i wondered why he needed help getting taffy, but i though "whatever")

We start driving and soon we pull into a parking lot. The sign on the door says "Hale Centre Theatre" He puts the car in park and says "So surprise, we are getting you a ball gown."

I was speechless. There have been very few times in my life that I have not been able to find words at all. This was one of those few times. He said something along the lines of after seeing April and Rachel-Anne he could not let me go to the Ball in the second hand dress they already had for me, so we were here getting me a real ball gown. So he went to my other 2 bosses and said "we are getting her a dress, she deserves this."

I have the best bosses in the entire world. They agreed that I deserved a dress. No one has ever gotten me a dress. I literally was in shock. That, i guess, is the secret to getting me to accept things. don't tell me about it, just do it and when i'm in to much shock to say no, i just follow along.

So we head inside, and the lady at the front desk takes us upstairs and I'm just following along. She takes us to the civil war area and Tate starts pulling dresses. we take them to the changing room and I start trying them on.

The first one i could get the skirt done up. The second one i could get the skirt done up, but i couldn't really breathe. I started putting the top on and I managed to button it up, but i was so squished. (big chests make dresses hard) Around that point Tate had come back from getting more dresses and asks how we were doing so far. I came out to show him the one. Essentially i said i could get it on, but i can't really breathe or move. We both knew the chest was an issue. All though he described them funnier than anyone else ever has. I don't remember what led up to it, but he said something along the lines of "it's because your, Vah Vah Voom." (Tate is also gay, which is why this comment didn't offend me. coming from a straight guy, he would have been slapped)

So we're trying and trying. And they come back with this greenish-turquoisish one. And the top fits. So we try on the skirt. which fits, minus being to long. but what else is new? So we put me in this massive hoop skirt. And it fits, and it looks good. (keeping in mind, during this whole process i am still in shock. i can't register whether it looks good or not) they go to make one more sweep and some back, i had found a sash by the hangers this dress was on and asked if it was part of it. It was, they tied it on and i looked in the mirror. I couldn't believe what a difference the sash made. I actually had a waist line. I liked it. I just couldn't process. Tate decided this was the one we were getting, and we were lucky. It actually went with my skin tone really nicely. Its one of those colors that can actually wash people out.

So we are down, the park rents my dress for me, we drive back to the park so i can get my car.

I immediately drive to wal-mart and get thank you cards for all 3 of my bosses. The next morning, i went to work early because i was making soup for the girls for when we were getting ready for the ball the next night. and soup I can leave in a crock pot all day. We also had an early morning pageant rehearsal. so between making the soup and running to the bowery for rehearsal i slipped the card into the offices/ cubicles of the respective recipients.

We then proceed to rehearse for the pageant, talents, dances, walking. all of it. after it, i quickly change and start heading up to my site for the day. As i'm getting to my site, my boss Cliff drives by on his golf cart and pulls over and says "you really are a beauty queen." It was so simple, and yet that meant the world to me.

Then the ball came. April did my hair, maddi did my make-up, i got into my dress. I got lucky, and my pearls went amazing with the dress. Then all of us went up to the ball. We get there, dad liked my dress. But it was funny, i couldn't really dance in it. Even in my heels, it was to long. but it was still so much fun. I had one lady come up to me and say that she thought that i had the most beautiful dress in the room. a little girl came and asked if I was Cinderella.

We went to dinner in our costumes after the ball, and while we were waiting for a table people started talking about the ball. I heard someone mention that a little girl had asked if I was cinderella and someone else said "You really were the Belle of the ball."

I know all of this seems shallow, but that dress meant so much to me. That my bosses were willing to do that to make sure i looked as incredible as i could for just one night. I really don't know if they ever will really know how much it meant to me. and how many times i almost cried over it, because it honestly touched me so much.

since it's been awhile.

I know it's been awhile. But I'll be honest. It's been a really rough summer, emotionally. And I haven't wanted to write anything because I don't even know how to word things anymore.

China was INCREDIBLE!!!! I would love to go back someday. I loved the people. And it was a beautiful place.

I love my job! I don't love that they cut hours, but I love my job.

Also at my job, this year they are hosting the first annual Miss Deseret pageant. Which your's truly got roped into doing. Jordan is laughing at me, cause I just really don't want to do it.

Is it really so wrong that I don't want to be the center of attention? Why does there have to be something wrong with it? I can't put into words why I don't want it. I just don't. I don't really want to walk across the stage and smile and wave and whatever. but it's what i get to do, so i guess i'll just get over it.

i don't really have much to say. to many things that i've been learning i don't know how to explain without back story. so i guess i'll try to write more often and pick up where i am now. but this is kind of it for tonight. sorry.

Chronicles of a former writer.

I had this really sad realization hit me in english today.

I used to be a writer.

I don't know what happened, i don't know what changed.

When i was in Jr. High and High school I had multiple teachers tell me if i never put my name on my paper, they would still know it was mine. I had a very distinct voice, i took creative writing classes and always had A's. If there was something other than a research paper due in regular english, i took some of the highest scores in class. In the journals we would keep i wrote far beyond the required amount of entries, and drastically more than my other peers. I wrote a one- act that was performed my senior year, and I was paid for. I was never anywhere without a notebook.

I came to college, still never going anywhere without a notebook. New ideas were constantly buzzing around my head. My changing life and new perspectives constantly starting another story. I had more titles than any writer ever needed, just waiting to add a story to those titles. waiting to bring those characters to life.

I started a blog so that I could write my random thoughts, that were still me writing, but didn't really belong in a story, at least yet, i had no where to put them.

Then something changed.

My blog has slowly turned into more of a journal than the musings of a writer. I sometimes don't have a writing notebook on me at all. I don't remember the last time i started a new story. And now in english, i am barely passing. and my paper is not receiving the grades it should, because i am not writing worthy of the grades i could get the grades i use to get.

Today i realized, i have lost my voice.

somewhere in the last 2 years, i lost my voice. I don't know what happened. Is it simply because of my major i didn't have time to worry about other things? Where could it have gone?

use it o lose it. how many times in life have we been told that? i stopped using it. and now i lost it. is there any chance of me finding it again? i mean, voices change. understandably. but, to completely lose the writing voice i use to have? is that normal? does that happen to other writers?

Now i'm not going to say my voice was ever spectacular and amazing, where every word from my mouth deserved to be published. But i wasn't terrible. I could hold my own. and for a high schooler, i wasn't t shabby.

I use to not be afraid of taking risks, trying new genres, trying new ideas. I liked to write stories about the uncomfortable emotions that we as humans don't like feeling. I wanted to write things that would make someone feel.

I learned my favorite genre to write was scripts, because i loved dialogue. I didn't like having to try and find sentences to blur them all together. I liked having the words. I wanted characters to SAY the words of wisdom i felt the world should hear.

I wanted to put out new ideas, and see what the world would think of them. Iw anted to make people think. But i wanted to make them think with their hearts, not just their heads.

But i can't do that anymore. I can't write a simple paper for an english 2010 class. I get the points for doing it. but i can't paint a picture like i use to. I can't make you taste the cookies. I can only seem to write you the recipe. No one wants to read the recipe. you want to eat the cookie.

I don't even like reading my most recent blog posts. it's turned into a mere travel log.

not that my first ones were spectacular. but i had a different voice.

Where did Amanda Marie's voice go? (that was my pen name. Amanda Marie)

It made me truly sad to realize.

i use to be a writer.

Happy easter

Happy Easter!

I love Easter. I love being reminded of the atonement. I love how much I've learned about the atonement. I love My Saviour.

I think I have to start spelling it that way now, thank you Jordan.

My dear friend Jordan served his mission in England, where Savior is spelled with a "U" in it. Saviour.

Want to know why he, and now I, like it more that way?

SaviOUR, he was OUR savior. He atoned for us, and giving us the opportunity to be saved. The opportunity to repent. Oh, it is wonderful.

And thats my Easter thought.

Easter was indeed good.

I went over to my grandma's today. She was speaking in church, the first time she has been asked to speak in church since grandpa died. I'm glad she was speaking on the atonement. Then we spent the afternoon together, just chatting, had dinner, sent me home with a lot of food.

I love going to grandma's.

Then went and played with some friends. I love my friends.

Now my mind is back on Easter. It's such an incredible thing.

The atonement is such an amazing thing. The Saviour coming from the tomb, is incredible.

I'm glad we have Easter.

Spring Break 2012

So about 3 weeks ago we had spring break. and 3 weeks ago i had every intention of writing about it. I'm finally getting to it now. Sorry, it's been an interesting couple of weeks.

So Friday, the last day of school, I had one morning class, which made life wonderful. So that evening we (as in Me, Jordan, Becca and Adam) were headed down to Salt Lake. Both the boys served their missions in England and there was a "chippy" in salt lake they wanted to go to. Which also had a bunch of imported British stuff, such as chocolate. Jordan was a happy person. So after we are done eating at the "chippy" (which Adam gave me and Jordan the wrong address. So it took awhile to get there.) Jordan, Becca and me get in Jordan's car and head to Price, where we will be staying with Jordan's family for the weekend. The funny part of that was originally there wasn't suppose to be anyone around. Then, unexpectedly, some cousins that he had only met once in his life cause they live in (i think) Arkansas, came to visit. So I ended up meeting, literally, his whole family. But it was great fun.

That first Saturday was Jordan's Birthday, which was also great fun. Sunday, we went to Sacrament at Jordans home ward, and later in the day we watched a disney movie...of questionable legality...called Song of the South. Now i'm gonna say something. IT WAS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!! WHY IS IT ILLEGAL IN THE US??? oh right, cause people love to find ways to get offended and take everything racist. It was still a great movie. :) Also that night, Adam joined us.

So, Monday morning we pack up the Adams car and we start the drive down to St. George. I thought it was a fairly fun car ride. Me and Jordan taught Becca and Adam that in the song "dynamite" they say "gotta let go" not "Galileo". Passing through Cedar we stopped to see my sister for a few minutes, where of course we ended up wrestling. I didn't know we were going for cheap shots or I would have fought differently. She got me in a choke hold and then literally started choking me, so I had to tap out.

We are almost to St. George when we realize something...we forgot to bring any cooking supplies what-so-ever. we had 2 roasting sticks. we felt like geniuses. So our menu changed a little, although Adam did go buy a griddle and spatula for himself, which he generously shared. So we made it work. Then we spent the remainder of the evening chatting, looking at stars, and staying warm. While we were sleeping I WAS FREEZING!!!!!!! I get cold every spring break, i don't know why i expect this to change. Also, tangent, so the campsite we stayed at had showers...Because the BOYS wanted showers. I laughed inside a little.

So the next morning we wake up, and I go for a walk by the lake. I usually don't invite people along on my morning walks because i never know how long they are going to be, or where I'm going, sometimes people think this means i need time to myself, and sometimes that's true. But so I'm walking, i eventually turn around and walk back to camp. When I get there, Jordan and Adam are gone. I ask Becca where they went, she said they went looking for me. I told her I was just taking a walk. Than I can't remember all the words exchanged, but something about how they weren't to worried about me and Jordan said something about If we hear about a bear mauling, we'll pray for the bear. (i know thats not exactly how it was said, but I can't remember what she said exactly) Then Adam and Jordan get back. I ask them where they were "looking for you, but we found you" they had seen me walking, so they knew i was alive.

Around this time we made lunch and headed into St. George to go play on rocks, and go see the temple. So we get to St. George rock (or whatever it's called) and we go climb around for awhile. I'm not the biggest fan of heights, but i love climbing around on things, it's weird. Me and Adam found this thing that we lovingly call "the hot tub" It was a big circle thing in one of the rocks. We ended up sitting in there and chatting for awhile. Then joined back up with Jordan and Becaa. We then left to go get shakes and go to the temple. The St. George temple has a visitors center which we...visited... we all felt so weird going in there dressed up in camper attire, having just climbed around on rocks. We were so bummed, if we had gone to visitors center first we might would have met President Uchtdorf! (who, p.s., changed ties between every session of conference.) It was so nice to walk around the temple grounds. We then went back to camp and started making dinner. FOIL DINNERS! yum. we chatted, ate s'mores, sang songs. Just had fun. The next morning, i went for another walk, not nearly as long this time. And then we started packing up camp.

So, catching up, it's now Wednesday. And we have 2 more people joining us. Jordan's friend Boyd, and Becca's friend Kelsie. So we get packed and situated in cars and we start heading down to Las Vegas! I was in the car with Jordan and Boyd. (Boyd likes the gas pedal.) We head to the outlet malls. which was funny, the boys wanted to shop so much longer than the girls. I have weird guy friends, but I love them with everything in me and I wouldn't trade them for the world. (plus i make them take me shopping and i start looking much nicer) The original plan in Vegas was to stay in Adams friends backyard, but we felt kind of bad dumping 2 extra people on them, when they were already a family of six. So three of us went and split a hotel room on the strip. (i secretly liked staying in a bed and being warm).

Thursday was spent exploring the strip. Which was fun, we ended up splitting up so the boys could go shopping and the girls went and saw all the free sights. When we all met up again we watched the fountains at the Belagio and WE TOTALLY MET AN IRISH GUY!!! It was cool. We went to go see Fremont Street as well. (i don't actually care if I ever go to Fremont Street again.

Friday morning we got up and went to the Vegas Temple before we headed back home. I love walking the Temple grounds, i can't wait to go inside someday.

Once we got back to Salt Lake we stopped off in Bountiful where I met up with my friend Nelson, he got back from his mission in October and I hadn't got to see him yet. Him and his old mission companion drove me back up to Logan and spent the night.

Saturday my friend Mike got married!!!!!! I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!!!!

So that was my spring break, it would have been a much better story if I had remembered to write it three weeks ago while it was still fresh, but it was a very fun trip. I love adventures with friends. :)

Made of glass

Ever wonder how different life would be if we were all made of glass?

What if everyone could see how broken we really are? How many cracks and chips we've got in us, how many times we've had to be glued back together.

What would you do if you could see how broken your friend was? What if you said something, and you saw a crack get a little longer? What if you realized every time you hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally?

What if you saw how fragile everyone really is?

People are so very good at hiding. We all have walls we put up so people can't see us. None of us are very good at being vulnerable. You never know how broken the person next to you really is. But one thing I've learned about life is that everybody is a little broken. Everybody has cracks and chips.

What if you were made of glass, and you saw how something you said made one of your cracks grow? What if there was a measurable way to see how much damage we do to ourselves?

How would we react when someone said something and we saw one of our own cracks grow?

What if we were made aware of how fragile we really are?

Imagine how different it would be if we could see our friends falling apart, and they couldn't hide it from us. You could help put them back together so much earlier than when they finally melt down and can't take it. You could show them what they are doing to themselves, and they couldn't just deny it.

Maybe life would be better if we were all made of glass. Maybe we would handle people with better care, remembering how fragile people are.

Maybe we should just learn how fragile people are, and handle them with care anyway.

A person is a person

So today in my english class 2 things happened. At the beginning of class, our teacher decided she wanted us a learn a little about perspective, so we all had to find a new spot in class to sit (at least 5 seats away from where we currently were sitting) and had to sit by someone we had never sat by in class before. Now considering my last couple of weeks, this change was not a huge deal to me, and I decided to take it a little farther and go dead poets on her. I moved across the classroom, up a few rows and sat on the table. Best part, she thought it was great. So i got to sit on the table the entire class. I also happened to find the heater right by it, which is where i ended up resting my feet. life was warm. :)

I don't know why i love sitting on tables, but I always have. Maybe because i don't usually reach the floor very well in chairs, i don't know. So my backpack sat on the chair and I sat on the table.

Then we got into our class discussion about the reading. And a lot of it came back to prejudices and accepting people ad stuff like that. The moral of class today was perspective.

That is something I feel a lot of people lack, which is so sad. There is such an amazing power behind perspective. But people I think are afraid to remember that people are people. No matter what else.

It makes me sad how judgmental people can be. And i'm sorry, but mormons are some of the worst offenders. They feel like even looking at something form a perspective other than what they believe means that they are accepting it. Which is not true. I mean honestly, look at some of our beliefs. Don't misunderstand, I believe in my faith with everything in me. It is my salvation, it is what keeps me sane. It is what brings me peace. But I've been able to look at it from other peoples eyes and I can see why people think we are strange. We have some very weird beliefs. Not that they are hurting anyone, intentionally at least. But that is exactly the same for other religions. I think Jews have some very interesting beliefs, but they can be some of the nicest people you've ever met.

perspective.

Why do people have to judge? Why does it matter what someone is? I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, purple, Jewish, Catholic, a slow runner, a fast reader, a mechanic, a teacher, a doctor, whatever. The point is we are all people, and we deserve to be treated as such.

Now, bringing my faith into it. Even more than we are all people, we are all Children of God. So why should it matter?

Here is the other weird part of life, if you love people, you don't treat them the same. I know that sounds so backwards, but honestly, I am so grateful my parents didn't treat me and my sister the same. She always had a curfew, she sometimes had issues keeping it, but if she didn't have one who knows what time of day she would have come home. Me on the other hand, i never had a curfew. I didn't need one, I got myself home at a reasonable time. If I was going to be later than usual, I called and told my mom.

Basically, i know this isn't one of my more eloquent and well thought out entries, but it's whats on my mind. One thing I've learned in life is that people are all the same. We have the same needs. We need food, water, shelter. Above everything else, we need love.

Once we learn how we are all the same, we can understand how we are all different. And that is when we can start learning how to love each other. That is when the fear will leave. Cause thats usually what it boils down to.

And one more thing I've learned. Pure love will always cast out fear.