22 years and counting

Well, a little over a week late, here is my 22 years of wisdom.

I have learned a lot this last year, maybe thats what I get for thinking that I'm starting to have a grasp on things. I had my heart broken deeper than I thought possible. (especially for someone who has never been in a relationship) I had the best job anyone could ever possibly ask for. I went on a trip outside of America for the first time in my life. I voted in my first presidential election. I watched many friends get married. I even watched some become parents. I've watched friend graduate. I've seen others return to school. I've had people I love end up in hospitals. I've been dealing with my own issues. My car survived another year, but I don't think it's even got a few months left in it.

Basically I've learned that I know nothing about how life works. Every time I think i've got a plan, and I've got at least something figured out life will throw me another curve ball.

probably trying to make me stronger or something.

I sometimes wonder if I'm as strong as the Lord seems to think I am. but when I get really bad I try to remember the things that I have learned and I DO know.

I have better friends than I deserve. Ones that put up with me calling them in tears at 1:30 in the morning. Ones that will hold me when I'm crying for no reason. Ones that will show up with chocolate. Ones that make me laugh. Ones that let me feed them. Ones that let me help them. Ones that ask me to come kill the spiders. Ones that will get things off the top shelf for me. Ones that will take me for a drive and just talk with me. Ones that let me fall asleep on their couch. Ones who love me for some strange reason.

I have a family that is probably dysfunctional, but we make it work. And without fail. we make it another day. We are close enough in our extended family that someone in the family will always know the answer to just about anything. From cooking to cars to cleaning to finding somewhere to live. I couldn't go hungry if I tried with this family of mine. And while we aren't perfect, we are us. And at the end of the day we know that we love each other, and sometimes, thats all we need.

I've learned that life isn't always black and white. In fact, it almost never has a black and white answer. So I guess I just try to find where I can live where it is mostly white and just slightly grey. I try to find the white answer (and I DO NOT mean that in a racist way, in fact it has absolutely nothing to do with skin color. just metaphors of correct and wrong answers) I'm not the judge of life, so I have learned that I try very hard not to judge others decisions, just because I think I know whats best and right for them doesn't mean I have the right to say it is the end all be all. We all have our own trials and our own crosses to bear that no one else, no matter how much we love them, know them, and care about them, can understand what it is to carry it. So I just love them and pray for them to be happy.

I've learned that cockroaches do in fact live in Utah and I hate them. I've learned that housecleaning is a tedious job and that everyone should leave a tip for the maid. I've learned mozzarella cheese is amazing! and I love it. I've learned that with Love and the Lord, you can make it through anything. He will bring you to the place where he wants you to be. You just have to trust him. And that is the single hardest thing to do. Trust that he knows you, he loves you, and he won't leave you alone. He won't lead you astray. He won't abandon you. He will ask you to give up whatever it is that is hardest for you to give up. But if you can trust him enough, he will give you something better than you could ever imagine. I'm no where near trusting him like I need to. I'm actually rather bad at it. I like to hold onto what little control I have left in my life. But I know it. and sometimes, just knowing that trusting him will make it all for the best eventually, is enough to make it one more day.

I learned what it is to be in honest and true love with someone. Willing to love them, warts and all, knowing that it is going to be hard and that it will have challenges, but knowing we could make it all the same. Knowing that if we held onto each other and relied on the Lord we could make it and be happier than we could possibly imagine. I also learned that he didn't feel the same way.

And there is nothing wrong with that. That is his decision. I can't make it for him. And I can't fault him. I don't fault him for that. I can't understand entirely his side of it, just as he can't understand all of mine. All I do is continue to love him and continue to be his friend. And that is fine. That's how I know I love him. His friendship in my life is worth more than a terribly broken heart.

Basically this year, I learned I really don't know anything like I thought I did. But, thats okay. I just keep learning and keep going forward. And know that I will make it eventually.

Happy Birthday!