Made of glass

Ever wonder how different life would be if we were all made of glass?

What if everyone could see how broken we really are? How many cracks and chips we've got in us, how many times we've had to be glued back together.

What would you do if you could see how broken your friend was? What if you said something, and you saw a crack get a little longer? What if you realized every time you hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally?

What if you saw how fragile everyone really is?

People are so very good at hiding. We all have walls we put up so people can't see us. None of us are very good at being vulnerable. You never know how broken the person next to you really is. But one thing I've learned about life is that everybody is a little broken. Everybody has cracks and chips.

What if you were made of glass, and you saw how something you said made one of your cracks grow? What if there was a measurable way to see how much damage we do to ourselves?

How would we react when someone said something and we saw one of our own cracks grow?

What if we were made aware of how fragile we really are?

Imagine how different it would be if we could see our friends falling apart, and they couldn't hide it from us. You could help put them back together so much earlier than when they finally melt down and can't take it. You could show them what they are doing to themselves, and they couldn't just deny it.

Maybe life would be better if we were all made of glass. Maybe we would handle people with better care, remembering how fragile people are.

Maybe we should just learn how fragile people are, and handle them with care anyway.

A person is a person

So today in my english class 2 things happened. At the beginning of class, our teacher decided she wanted us a learn a little about perspective, so we all had to find a new spot in class to sit (at least 5 seats away from where we currently were sitting) and had to sit by someone we had never sat by in class before. Now considering my last couple of weeks, this change was not a huge deal to me, and I decided to take it a little farther and go dead poets on her. I moved across the classroom, up a few rows and sat on the table. Best part, she thought it was great. So i got to sit on the table the entire class. I also happened to find the heater right by it, which is where i ended up resting my feet. life was warm. :)

I don't know why i love sitting on tables, but I always have. Maybe because i don't usually reach the floor very well in chairs, i don't know. So my backpack sat on the chair and I sat on the table.

Then we got into our class discussion about the reading. And a lot of it came back to prejudices and accepting people ad stuff like that. The moral of class today was perspective.

That is something I feel a lot of people lack, which is so sad. There is such an amazing power behind perspective. But people I think are afraid to remember that people are people. No matter what else.

It makes me sad how judgmental people can be. And i'm sorry, but mormons are some of the worst offenders. They feel like even looking at something form a perspective other than what they believe means that they are accepting it. Which is not true. I mean honestly, look at some of our beliefs. Don't misunderstand, I believe in my faith with everything in me. It is my salvation, it is what keeps me sane. It is what brings me peace. But I've been able to look at it from other peoples eyes and I can see why people think we are strange. We have some very weird beliefs. Not that they are hurting anyone, intentionally at least. But that is exactly the same for other religions. I think Jews have some very interesting beliefs, but they can be some of the nicest people you've ever met.

perspective.

Why do people have to judge? Why does it matter what someone is? I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, purple, Jewish, Catholic, a slow runner, a fast reader, a mechanic, a teacher, a doctor, whatever. The point is we are all people, and we deserve to be treated as such.

Now, bringing my faith into it. Even more than we are all people, we are all Children of God. So why should it matter?

Here is the other weird part of life, if you love people, you don't treat them the same. I know that sounds so backwards, but honestly, I am so grateful my parents didn't treat me and my sister the same. She always had a curfew, she sometimes had issues keeping it, but if she didn't have one who knows what time of day she would have come home. Me on the other hand, i never had a curfew. I didn't need one, I got myself home at a reasonable time. If I was going to be later than usual, I called and told my mom.

Basically, i know this isn't one of my more eloquent and well thought out entries, but it's whats on my mind. One thing I've learned in life is that people are all the same. We have the same needs. We need food, water, shelter. Above everything else, we need love.

Once we learn how we are all the same, we can understand how we are all different. And that is when we can start learning how to love each other. That is when the fear will leave. Cause thats usually what it boils down to.

And one more thing I've learned. Pure love will always cast out fear.

No matter what.

In the last few weeks I've had multiple friends come to me with multiple problems. I love that they trust me and know that I won't judge, cause a lot of Mormons have this judging and gossiping problem. I've learned something incredible through all of this.

I thought I understood how love worked, ya know, as much as any 21 year old whose never been in love could have. I was completely wrong.

There is absolutely no way to comprehend the Savior's love for us, or the Fathers love for us. It is wonderful and good they are.

As my friends have been coming to me there have been times where I have thought "I would give anything to take away this pain. Anything at all." And it's true, I would give my life, I would take their trials on me if I could. But I can't. I love them so much, and all I can do is hold them. But I can't take there trials on myself.

And then it hit me.

That is exactly what the Savior did for us. He was the only one who could. And he loved us so much that he went to Gethsemane and atoned for us. He was the only one who could take all of our trials. Not just our sins, but our heartaches, our trials, our pain, our sorrows our everything. He took every last bit of it on himself and suffered beyond anything we can imagine. And because of that, we can become whole. Through every heartache, and every time we mess up; it isn't fire and brimstone and Damnation to Hell. It's "My child, I love you. No matter what mistakes you make. I love you. Through all the trials I am here waiting to help you and life you up. If you can turn your pain over to me, I am here. I love you no matter what."

I can't believe how incredible the goodness of our God is. How no matter who I am, what I've done. He loves me no matter what. I can not even imagine it. I have to step back and ask myself "Could I?" If there was someone who was cursing my name, who hurt someone I love, who was making terrible mistakes. Could I look at them and say "I love you. I am waiting to help you." I don't think I could with everybody, I am still that natural man.

But I know that there are many people I do know I could say that too. "You've been given this trial. But I still know you. And I love you no matter what."

I'm not perfect, no where near it. So I would just like to publicly proclaim how much I love my Lord and Savior. How grateful I am for every gift and trial they have given me. How when I start doubting anything, they are still there. When I can't do it anymore, they are ready to take me pains as soon as I give them over to them. I do not deserve the love they give me. I pray to learn to a love like that for everyone, not just my friends and family.

It is wonderful. And I love my Lord and Savior. And they love you too. If you listen very close, you will hear them tell you, and you feel everyday, anytime you need it. "I love you no matter what."

seat belt fastened.

I'm sorry it's been so long. And I've even had some good thoughts lately, but it's remembering them long enough to come post.

I've had a lot going on. And I wasn't okay for a few weeks there, i was constantly freaking out in my head, I was anxious and I was feeling so inadequate in so many aspects of life.

I finally had a complete melt-down a few weeks ago.

But I'm doing better now. I've got some amazing friends and a very supportive family.

At one point i decided I needed to let my best friend back in, I've kind of subconsciously been closing random people out. I didn't want anyone to know how messed up I was. But I had cut off one of my best friends. I mean, we still chatted and talked on a daily basis, but I was trying to not let anyone see the hurt and confusion i was going through. And right now, selfish as it is, the last thing i need to do is distance myself from people, especially best friends. So I went over to his place and dumped a lot of crap on him. And he listened. he made me feel better.

then the next day we had seminaries, and i got to go almost all day. :) IT WAS AMAZING!!!! I love being able to go to the seminaries. And i somehow managed to spit water in my own face, still trying to figure that one out.

That sunday, ELDER HOLLAND CAME AND SPOKE AT THE SPECTRUM!!!! it was pretty amazing. i got to sing in the choir for it.

Basically, life has been full of adventures, but I think I've finally got my seat belt more secure. Instead of hanging onto the safety bar for dear life, afraid of dying or drowning.

I'm taking it one day at a time, and all my old problems are still here, but I've been given some perspective and a little bit of courage to go forward.

And i've been given laughter. The ability to laugh with my friends. and we laugh a lot, we have a wonderful time together, always. I cannot believe these incredible, wonderful weird-o's that I call my friends. I am so grateful to them, and the smiles they always bring me.

21 birthdays

I have now celebrated 21 birthdays in my life. And this one was so much fun. I didn't do anything epic like go get drunk or sneak over the canadian border. (although we did talk about that one) But on my actual birthday i did almost nothing. I went to classes, saw my grandma and after LDV went to the blue bird with some friends. But it was wonderful.

Than last night I had my annual invite everyone i know over and make fried rice party. thats what i do for my birthday. and everyone thinks it's so weird that i feed everybody, but i get so much joy out of it.

First I found out that my friend Brad was coming up from Provo. I STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN WHEN HE TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i haven't seen him in so long and I couldn't wait. than i started making dinner. Jordan was the first to arrive, followed by kelton. And then Jon, and i think adam after that. I have so many guy friends, the only time they beat everyone is when your offering free food, which i was. I had so many guys there, i thought it was great. finally girls started showing up. MY OLD ROOMMATE RYLEE CAME AND SURPRISED ME!!!! i literally squealed and ran across the apartment full of people and practically jumped on her. i was so excited.

around 8:30 i finally let Rachel make one batch of rice, in the time it took her to make one, i probably could have made 2 or 3. but a lot of people were done eating by that point. so i went to socialize, i ended up in a cuddle thing with Landon a couple of times. but mostly we just chatted and it was fun. Arounf mid-night everyone decided they wanted to make a subway run, (there is a 24 hour subway down the street from where i live) i was told that i was coming. even though i didn't get anything, i had been coughing all day so my throat was really hurting.

but we get there and everyone keeps laughing and we're going for like 2 hours. I felt bad by the end, i was so tired. And when i get tired i go one of 2 ways really hyper or really grumpy and for some reason the grumpy was coming out, i think it's because it hurt my throat to much to laugh. so at one point i ended up separtating myself from the group, just kind of cause i knew i needed to cool off before i got angry for no reason and kill the fun. than i came home, cleaned a little bit and finally crashed around 3 in the morning.

but it really was a great birthday, i can't believe how many amazing friends I have. And all of them said they were having fun. and thats always what i want on my birthday, to be surrounded by good friends and good food. and if i can get all of them smiling, even better.

the shiny side of the new years coin.

Basically, I can probably guarantee that posts for awhile are going to be up and down. I'm not trying to get sympathy, but sometimes writing it out helps me focus.

but with everything bad we need a counter. For me to get back to normal I need to find balance. And it's something i am well aware is going to take the rest of my life, because once you get things in balance life will throw something else at you. every coin has 2 sides.

so a balance out for yesterday.

1.Getting to spend the afternoon with my cousins and grandma

2. macaroni salad.

3.My cousins daughter calling me aunt Mandy.

4. One of them telling me she wishes i was her sister.

5. a ride home from church.

6. Justin and Jenn coming to say hi.

7. chocolate.

8. having laundry money.

9. hot showers.

10. having those small moments of peace in the middle of trials.

working it out.

Here we are, New Years Eve of 2011. And it has been a year of lessons...and the second half was a LOT of hard ones. I've been scammed, put on probation, dealt with a lot of personal emotional issues, had my heart broken (again) and most recently...i am no longer a music major. I didn't pass my jury a few weeks ago. I've been trying very very hard to be happy, bottom line, I'm not.

And now I am spending New Years alone on my couch. I'm sure there are things I could be doing with friends, but i don't even feel like trying to get a hold of anyone.

It's no one else's fault for any of these things. I've learned a lot from my failures. I just wish I could write something happier right now, but I feel 2 things anymore. sad or empty. really, there is nothing in between.

And I will be Happy again, i promise. I just have a lot of things I need to work out. I'm sure 2012 will bring me plenty of adventures. And I know things will turn around so here are the things I just NEED to say, so i can start burying the dead.

1. I KNOW MR.RIGHT IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE! I DON'T NEED YOU TO KEEP TELLING ME!!! but that doesn't stop it hurting now. no, i've never been in a relationship, doesn't mean that i don't get my heart broken. i know that "he'll" come along sometime, what i want to know is why can't i have a few dates along the way? so please stop telling me "he's" coming. Because right now I just want someone who will hold me while i'm trying to put myself back together. and I wish i could understand why that is such an outrageous request.

2. I know i need a job. I know i need to stop talking about money issues. but did it ever occur to anyone that i'm scared? i'm trying to figure things out, i know i can't keep living off my parents. but people really seem to under estimate my lack of work skills. and it's really hard when you look at all these people around you with these scholarships, and great jobs and then look at yourself and your Xthousands of dollars in student debt and it looks like you'll probably be moving from fast food to a call center and you can't get anything better.

3. I am trying to be a better student. Do you really think I like being stupid? I try to understand. I try to study. I try to practice. BUT I SUCK AT IT! i've never learned how to do that. i'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm saying i'm trying to figure it out. but it's really hard when you can't seem to just do it. it shouldn't be that hard. But i've never been good at it. I just don't know how to do it.

4. No, i didn't pass my jury. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I was the one who didn't practice. I was the one who didn't talk to my teachers when I was struggling. It's all on me. And now i'm sitting here watching my dream float away from me. and I have no idea what to study or go into. I want to teach high school choir. I can't handle elementary school. I can't do it. I NEED the high school students.

those are really the big ones that i'm willing to make public right now. and I always feel guilty when i start feeling bad for myself or when i struggle. because i know that i have SO many friends whose issues are a thousand times worse than mine. but i've been breaking for months and now i've completely broken and i just had to get it out somewhere because i suck at talking about things like this face to face. i don't know how to be vulnerable. but i am trying to put myself back together. and this was something i could think of to start that.

so sorry it's a downer. I'm hoping 2012 will end better than 2011 did.

Happy New Year.