When Mandy Gets Angry

So, last week, I got angry.

Like, really angry.

I don't know if I've gotten that angry since I moved out to college.

A lot of it ended up being petty. And it built up because of a lot of things.

But it made me ponder my anger and the different levels of it.

Not a lot of people know this, but I actually had major anger issues as a child. I've actually kicked both my sisters into walls before. But I grew up and started learning how to not let myself get angry. Or when I do get angry, how to keep it under control.

So when I got so angry last week, I decided to try and figure out why I was so angry. I just learned about emotions recently in one of my classes and so I've started trying to figure mine out.

*Disclaimer, I know this is actually probably common, but it was a major epiphany for me.

When I am angry, I am almost never actually angry. It is some other emotion. There have been times that I have been angry, and that was the emotion. But usually that is only if someone is hurting someone I care about.

When I am angry I am usually at least one of two things.

Hurt or scared.

I don't mean physically hurt. I actually don't, typically, get angry when that happens. But if you make a cutting comment, or do something that hits an emotional nerve, that is when the anger starts. And the more hurt I am, the more angry I get.

And fear. If I'm afraid that you are going to see me hurt. Or if you are going to see me weak. Or if you are going to see me stupid. Or if you are going to see me scared. I will usually cover that with anger. I think partly because a lot of people have said they get scared when they see me angry, and so I have control over some kind of fear.

To note, the reason a lot of people say they get scared when they see me angry, is partly because I rarely let people see me angry. I try to be the happy, supportive person around people. part of me learning to control my anger was learning to walk away when I started getting angry.

I wanted to start figuring out why I was angry. I knew I had a very short, fast, high temper and I started realizing that really stupid things would set me off.

Not bad for an 18 year old, right?

So if I started getting upset, I would leave. I would go put myself in time out, as it were. So that I could calm down.

Now that I've gotten that part down, I started trying to figure out why my anger levels would be so different.

I would get frustrated, and I do get frustrated quite a lot, but I also let it go fairly quickly. And I'm even starting to learn how to not let things get to me as much.

But when I get really angry, one, I have left people long before. Not cause I think I'd hurt anyone, but because I don't want people to see how angry I actually can get. But two, it stays and I get incredibly defensive and aggressive.

And I finally figured out, it's because I want to cause the pain before someone sees that I'm hurt or scared of it.

I don't mean physical pain. I just know how people work enough to say down right mean things. And if you corner me when I'm angry, I will say every mean and below the belt comment I can come up with. And I know where people are insecure.

Knowing people is good and bad.

I could easily mess with peoples emotions in a negative way.

But here is where the cool part is.

I don't want to.

I don't want people to hurt. I don't want to get angry. I do not like being angry.

Which is why I'm trying so hard to figure out why I get angry. So that in the future I can break it down and figure out if I'm hurting, what is hurting and how can I fix it. Or if I'm scared, what am I scared of and how can I face it.

This world is already full of negative, why add my anger to it?

I'm just glad I'm learning how to figure these things out.

I am do something good.

So. I work at an eating disorder facility, and first I need to take a moment to brag. I don't do this often but I am very proud of my work last night.

I am the cook and I have to get dinner out for all of the clients and direct care staff by a certain time. I also have to have things prepared into the correct portion sizes, set the table, and prep breakfast food.

And I do not make easy food.

Last night I made Au Gratin potatoes (two pans, from scratch), Chicken Cordon bleu, steamed veggies, vanilla bread pudding (which mostly just needed to bake. But I had ONE average sized oven in which to do all this.), prep the melon salad for this morning (six melons in total), set the table, prepare seperate things for our full vegetarians, half vegetarians, and our celiac. I also served a total of 17 people last night.

I did this in 2 hours and 15 minutes.

That is not easy to do.

So, the thing that really made my night last night was after I joined the girls for dinner. As the cook I am the last person to eat. I have to make sure all the girls are plated, and then direct care staff, and also make sure that the kitchen is cleaned up enough and the dishwasher is empty so that girls can take care of their dishes after dinner.

Then I can eat.

If it is a night where we are serving dessert, then I also can't plate until after the girls have dessert.

Last night was one of those nights. And the fact that it was dessert night made the following comment make me feel even better about myself.

So, I decided when I started work that I would always refer to the girls as "lovely Ladies" (Not the Les Mis kind, but as an actual comment to these girls). I know they have self image issues, one because they are teenage girls and two they are at a treatment facility for girls with eating disorders. Not hard to figure it out.

So whenever I call down for them to come to dinner I always yell "All right Lovely Ladies, it's time for dinner!", and when I write up on the whiteboard, which is every meal, I always write "Good evening Lovely Ladies."

Point being, I make a conscious effort to call them lovely.

I assumed this fell on deaf ears.

I also have been stressed and having a hard time at work because one, I'm the cook so I already am not the girls favorite person; but also the direct care hasn't been very appreciative of my efforts to make sure dinner is out on time. WHICH IS HARD TO DO AND I BUST MY BUTT TO GET IT OUT!

But mostly I just felt like I haven't really been doing a great job and that the girls didn't like me, and just stressed because it is a hard job.

So after I sit down and I start eating, one of the girls turns around and looks at me and says "We were just talking about how we like you because you always call us Lovely Ladies."

To which I responded, "Well you are lovely ladies, and I never lie."

But what she doesn't know is how incredible that comment made me feel.

They have noticed that I always call them lovely, and they appreciate it. I am doing SOMETHING good. I wanted this job to try and be a positive influence on the girls and I just felt like I had been falling short.

But now I know that whenever I work, they are going to be called lovely, and they notice it.

My job now just seems so much better than it did two days ago.

Happy Halloween!

Apparently I am the only student on campus who remembered it was Halloween. Or else maybe everyone who isn't an art major just didn't dress up. I'm seeing that as a major possibility. At least over in the arts side of campus people don't look at you weird when you dress up for Halloween.

The depressing part of my costume? I can't wear it to work today. :(

I was trying so hard to find something I could wear to work, because I work in a kitchen, right? So I can't pull out my usual costumes because they involve wearing or carrying large pieces of cardboard, or wearing a shoe on my head, or things like that.

No, I've not had a normal costume since 7th grade.

So I am finally like "GOT IT!" (this is probably the worst executed costume I've had in the last 7 years) I am a Freshman's (college) Diet! I've got ramen, and cereal, and pop tarts, and peanut butter, and fruit snaks and fast food, etc., wrappers taped all over my shirt.

I thought it was brilliant.

Until I realized I can't wear it to work. Because I'm not even allowed to say the word "diet" at work. (it's emotionally loaded language and actually makes a lot of sense). So if I can't even say the word, How I'm I suppose to dress up as a diet? I could actually get in a lot of trouble.

This is why i wish i could have pulled off my assault and battery costume (dress up as a salt shaker and tape batteries all over yourself) But I lacked the resources. Making it incredible difficult.

So I guess I'll go around my boring campus and pretend like people are cool enough to dress up.

The nice part, is I don't actually care that I am the weirdo walking around with wrappers taped to me. I guess that means I've come a long way since Jr. High. I am literally the only person in this lab remotely close to being dressed up and I'm just thinking about how boring everyone else is and not about how stupid I actually look.

So yeah, basically. Dress up for Halloween. It's more fun that way.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!

Well, at least I got two posts in this month.

Right, so...it's been awhile...

Here is my excuse, mid-terms, new employment, wedding in Minnesota, not enough time to sit down and process much of anything. Especially process it enough to for an actual blog post out of it.

So, sorry.

But at least I got 2 whole posts in this month.

Just for a little bit of catch up, I don't remember if I told you about my small group communication class and how our first presentation was a presentation on the "best date" and we were competing for the A grade. Only one A would be given out, the next group would get an A- and so on so forth down to a B+.

Well my group decided that everyone should go on a part of the date and take pictures for our slide show, so that we actually have some credibility to claim this as the best date.

Here is a picture if me and my friend Charles, who said he would go with me.

(P.S. I'm a little bit proud of taking that picture without making it look completely obvious that I took that picture. Also, my portion of the date was "star gazing.) if you would like to see our video about the best date, leave a comment and I can send you the link to the youtube video that we made for class.

Anyway, WE TOTALLY GOT THE A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty stoked about it. We worked hard and so I'm pretty excited.

I mentioned that I have a job now. I am a cook at an eating disorder treatment facility. It is an interesting job. We make really good food. But it is interesting and kind of hard to go from people literally begging you to cook to people refusing to eat your food. I don't take it personally, but seeing the looks on their faces when they have food in front of them is just heartbreaking. But it is a good job and I am learning a lot.

I also worked Little Haunts down at the park again, which was way fun, and if you want proof I know the coolest people ever, here is a picture of us in our uniforms.

Yes, I do have a picture where we aren't all laughing, but I think this one is more fun. And no, we do not have a pirate amongst us, he is a privateer.

The next week i went out to Minnesota for my friend Sharaea's wedding. (I think i may have even spelled her name right.) We have been friends since we were 8 years old and she asked me to be her Maid of Honor, so I was. It was so interesting and fun to see her again and also just to go back to Minnesota. Where it is cold. Period.

I also shamelessly flirted with the DJ the entire reception and it was just a ton of fun, because we both pretty much didn't know anyone but the bride and groom, and the brides family.

Now I'm back in Logan and life seems to be settling back in to some form of stable abnormal. I think I even have my Halloween costume for tomorrow and I'm excited to put it together.

I also have a goal to post more than 2 times in the month of November.

Happy Halloween everyone!

...Baby steps?

So remember how I was starting to actually have all these good habits? Like reading my textbooks, or keeping my room clean, or studying.

Well...that lasted only a good tow weeks.

We now look at the last two weeks when I forgot to take a quiz, didn't clean my room for a whole week (if you know me, you know my room can get Katrina-ish [as in that hurricane that hit New Orleans when I was in Jr. High] in a matter of days.)

And now it's the day before a presentation and an hour before my test...what did I do last night?

I listened to Charles give me the rough draft version of the story he is writing...BUT IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I'm excited to see it turn into the full story.

...and now I know remember nothing about the first four chapters of interpersonal communication...

And it's not like I didn't have time to study. I had plenty of time, I just didn't manage my time well.

So...I guess here are the baby steps to where Mandy is actually improving.

1. I cleaned my room yesterday instead of letting it get worse and worse until Fall Break comes around.

2. I'm owning up to the fact that it's my own dang fault that I haven't accomplished my school work and not making up lame excuses.

3. I make my bed almost every morning. (Mom, aren't you so proud? I finally learned after 22 years of life!)

4. I'm starting to take ownership of my feelings. I'm learning less and less to allow someone to "make me angry" Instead of saying "you make me angry" I try to say " I am angry" and then attribute some of the reasons to the person.

5. I'm owning that I have feelings, and I'm trying to inch towards actually sharing them with people. (seriously, you have no idea how big of a deal this actually is. I don't do well with vulnerability.)

I'm sure there are a few more, like I'm trying to do less negative self talk and even working on some positive self talk.

The big thing is that I am aware I am a different person than I was a year ago, and I'm hoping that I'm becoming a better one day by day, just with little baby steps in the right direction.

Why you should ask questions.

It was a Saturday morning like any other Saturday morning...

I woke up later than i do during the week, and decided "yeah, I should probably clean my room and kitchen today." So I go to the kitchen to eat a light breakfast. A lovely, yummy peach.

As I start making my bed I get a phone call from Charles. He wanted to know if I wanted to join him, Ham (the son of the people he is living with), Syd (Sam's fiance) and their friend Cody on a hike. I'm all "yeah, I'd love to."

I LOVE hiking, hiking does not love me.

So I get dressed and get over to their place.

Ham told Charles they were hiking up to a Lake, Charles assumed it was a light hike, which is what he told me.

For your information, if you tell me "light hike" I'm gonna think you mean like a 1 1/2 mile hike like the wind caves.

Charles assumed it was going to be like a 3 mile light hike up to a lake.

Want to know what it really was?...

5 1/2 miles up the side of a freaking mountain to a lake.

one way.

So we start hiking. And again, I'm the slowest hiker in the world. So Charles, being the kind soul that he is, stayed behind with me. As we get farther and farther behind.

4 1/2 hours later we are almost to the end of the trail (we know because we bumped into another hiker) I am almost completely out of energy because all i had to eat all day was a peach. My stomach starts to cramp up, and since we are so close (as in like...3/4 of a mile to the end) Charles goes ahead to meet up with the rest of our group so that he or them can come back with some food for me and also to let them know that we are not dead.

After he leaves I take a rest on a rock for like 5 minutes, then move to the next rock...then the next...stopping at each one for about 5 minutes. Around rock four is when I threw up on the side of the trail...but that gave me a surprising amount of energy, and I was able to keep going along the trail. I thought I was going to make it to the end and then I saw that I had to go pretty much up the side of a ridge...I said "not happening bro." and waited for everyone else to come back.

So that's the end of the story, right? WRONG! Now I have to hike back the 5 miles I've come.

and again we get far behind everyone, because I'm slow and out of shape. But about a mile- two miles before the end of the trail, we come across the nicest human beings on the planet. They were riding their horses up their and the man got off his horse and let me ride it to the end of the trail.

Seriously, nicest humans EVER!

But of course then I was also saddle sore.

It was really funny to watch me try and walk Sunday. I was so stiff, but I had to keep laughing about it because there was really nothing else to do. It was just to funny.

Moral of the story? Make sure you ask questions and KNOW what you are getting yourself into BEFORE you go on a hike. Your life will probably be infinitely better.

Life is good.

Life is good.

I don't know the last time I said that and actually meant it.

I'm doing well in classes, I have a job that will pay me $9 an hour and I think I am going to love it.

I even went on a date last night.

The stars were so pretty, as was Tony's Grove.

I still have other issues I'm working on, but life is good again.

I'm so excited fall is here, I need to find apples so I can make pies and crisp. and stargazing with one blanket to share it never a bad thing...:)

I just like being happy again. I love seeing the good again. I'm sad that I spent a year so blind to the wonders around me.

I have dear friends who say nice things about me, in ways that I'll actually listen.

Life is good.