Not wearing yourself on your sleeve, doesn't mean you don't have bad days.

Yeah. I'm skipping class right now. Because I have to catch up on other things, so what do i do? i write a blog.
I need to run away for a weekend. Just run away from my life. I know it was just yesterday I was talking about how content I was, but today I'm back on my sinking ship, I'm sick of just everything and I want to run away from y life for a little while.
I'm sick of school and feeling like i'm never gonna be good at anything.
I'm sick of boys and feeling like i'm never gonna be good enough.
I'm sick of a car that wants to die.
I'm sick of my job where i have to pretend that I want to be there and i want nothing more then for your order to be correct.
I'm sick of being tired.
I'm sick of waking up with headaches and upset stomachs.
I'm sick of messy rooms.
I'm sick of stress.
I'm sick of spending every friday night at home. Because everyone is on dates or going home for the weekend.
basically i'm just ready to be done.
I promised myself i was never going to right a blog like this, but i just needed to get it out because i always hold it in, and I'm done doing that. Which means i'm not, I'm just done today.
I hate mid-term time. i don't even know where the first half of this semester went.
I know i should be focusing on everything blessing i've got. Cause i ahve many, I have wonderful roommates and friends and bishops and everything. but I'm just done today.

I'm sick of not being worth it.

I'm either not worth the time, the effort or the risk.

(we're talking about boys again.)

I'm not even worth a hello to a lot of guys. I'm not worth the time or effort for the ones who kinda know me. And by the time we are great friends i'm not worth the risk.

I'm not saying i currently have anyone interested in me whose just not willing to take a risk. But its happened. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't so good at being friends with guys.

People say you need to stop hanging out and make them take you on dates. What they don't understand is that I would never see guys again. the only way I even have contact with boys is by hanging out

because i'm one of the guys. and guys don't date guys. except the gay ones, but they won't date me either.

Maybe i should stop going dancing. I love it so much, but its always hard when i come home. I've always got Mike who asks me to dance because he knows i don't get asked very often. and the rest of them. i know why they ask me. Its because i stand there with the "i'm all alone" look and they feel bad.

and no one will be able to convince me otherwise. I know guys to well. They want me to have fun, but they really aren't interested in me, so they'll ask me to dance and the closest thing that I've coem to a number or continuing conversation is "maybe i'll see you around campus sometime."

meanwhile all my friends that i know that go walk away with numbers. Or else they came with their boyfreind so they really don't care about numbers.

Meanwhile i don't know why i'm putting so much money and effort into a program i feel like at best i'll end up mediocre. I really am trying, i'm jsut not a good musician. I use to think i was decent. I've learned better. I know nothing, but i'm trying. why do i feel like my points for effort are minimal?

I need to stop. I know everyone is sick of hearing about my music program drama, don't get me wrong. I LOVE the music program, i just don't understand why when everyday it makes me feel about 2 inches tall.

and then work.

I jsut wish i had a job as a secretary or receptionist. I have no deisre to be in food service. Its loud busy and stressfull. because i don't have enough stress in my life already.

anyway, i should go get some practice in before my voice lesson. which i'm not prepared for.

i promise by tomorrow i'll happy up. I need a day to just mope. I'm done with this happy face for a few hours.

it'll work itself out eventually.