abstract to discovery.

Last year I discovered why my mom loves fall so much. Its because of what fall looks like where she grew up. Last year i couldn't believe the colors I saw everywhere. Reds, oranges, yellows, browns; Sardine canyon was beyond breathtaking.
I loved walking through the cemetery to and from classes, or walking by the quad. I never could fully take in all the colors.
The colors haven't appeared yet in Cache valley, but they are slowing showing up. I'm so afraid that they won't show up as brilliantly as last year because they aren't here yet, I have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't changed by this time last year either.
Everyone always says spring is when you get your fresh start, but I have to disagree. I think fall is. Spring is an ending, maybe its because I've been living on a school calender for the last almost 20 years of my life. A calender where I'm not the oldest in my year, but I'm in the middle. Spring is when things end. Fall is when you get to try again. And winter is the drawn out drab you have to try and make it through.
Fall is when i want to cook. As soon as the air starts to get that crisp feel to it, all I want to do is bake. I want to make apple pie, apple crisp, pumpkin pie, hot chocolate, soups, breads, anything and everything. I want to listen to "Linus and Lucy" and other songs with similar vibes. Its when the long sleeves start to come out, but you aren't freezing yet. Just long sleeves.
and Rain. The smell of rain, after a hot summer you can smell the rain so much more clearly in the fall. Or else I'm just weird. ...it also could be I'm sitting next to an open window with the sky wanting to drop rain on us again.
I've discovered a new love for fall, and it really didn't make itself apparent until the last few weeks. People look at fall as such a depressing time, but its a new beginning. Its when I think the earth is full of life. Not new life...its hard for me to explain. Spring is when life is young, its when you are giddy and twitterpated. Its when you go to parks and play and run around. Fall to me is more...happiness...contentment...
this makes no sense on paper. But i promise its making sense in my head.
I want to say almost an older joy. Kind of like...playing in the leaves and watching someone play in the leaves. Both are fun and enjoyable. But they are different from each other. And lets be honest, the one watching will probably join in at some point. ...thats honestly the best way I can think of to describe it, and your probably still wondering what I'm trying to say.
The honest answer...i don't know. I felt the need to write, and I feel so....content and peaceful inside. Even though my life looks like it could train wreck and I could have a complete mental collapse at any moment. But I love the fall feeling.
Maybe its because Thanksgiving is soon.
That is probably my favorite holiday and I finally figured out why in the last year. I have NEVER spent a thanksgiving with just my family. Even when we lived away from family we would spend thanksgiving with a family in the ward. The house smelled like Turkey and Corn and Pies and rolls and dads nasty stuffed mushrooms all day. And we spent the day with friends or family. We laughed and joked and enjoyed each others company.
I think I like that so much because I like people. I get close to people. I figured that out in the last few months too. I realized i don't really have a place I call home. Right now its Logan. It was Lehi, but then everyone I cared about from Lehi graduated and moved away. Now I've realized that I don't really have a PLACE I call home. But that doesn't mean I'm homeless. I kinda make people home. Which sounds really weird, but its true. My family is home. My friends are home. And i tend to try and keep people close.
I can start over. I've moved enough and started over enough that its not hard for me. I don't get scared like I did when I was 13. I just start. But endings. goodbyes. I'm very bad at those. My roommates last year can vouch for me. I don't do well with losing people, which is a challenge because I tend to get very attached to people very quickly and I know that they don't get attached to me. So I'm not good at showing I'm attached. Or that I care about you.
thats the other side to my life. It doesn't really have to do with being homeless, I'm plain not good at wearing myself on my sleeve.
Fall is very nostalgic for me I guess. Maybe this is whats really been on my mind lately and just loving fall and needing to write made it come out.
Maybe I'm so content because I have found a home with friends and family. Looking at my life I'm the titanic sinking, (at least thats what it feels like. Its slow but you see it coming, eventually it'll break in two.) but I'm not worried, Maybe its because I'm not sinking into icy water. The few times I feel like i'm going under its rather warm. But...I'm still sinking...maybe I should buy a life jacket.
I guess what this long and probably pointless blog is saying is...thanks. I have no place i call home, but I'm not homeless. It was actually mom I think that made me realize this. When she was out a few weeks ago, she was sitting in the chair getting her shoes on and she looked at me and said "everytime, I'm 55 years old and its still hard to leave home. And it gets harder eveyrtime." And we kinda realized that that was her HOME, that is the house she grew up in. Thats where her mom still is. And then we realized thats probably why its never been hard for me to leave home. Because home isn't a place for me...which I think is a blessing. Because people are my home. I take it with me.
I never leave home.