in summary...

Basically lets sum up everything in the last month shall we? It's not as detailed and full of insight like i usually like, but in order for future insights to make sense, we need a general background.

School started, I managed to pass my juries and start my second year as a music major. I thought that maybe I'd get the hang of it this year. SO far, not so good. I am failing Music theory III, aural skills III and vocal pedagogy. Although, i am finally learning how to practice for voice and piano and there is actually improvement being made.
Because of lack of sleep and verge of mental collapses i had to quit my job at McDonalds. Which is good and bad. It's good for a couple reasons. One, when asked why i quit before i could answer my friend chimed in and said "because it was slowly killing her" there was some truth in that statement. He said that you could always tell the next morning if I had worked the night before. So now that i have caught up on sleep i have to find new employment. See, not working in college is not an option for me. I have to do these little things...like pay rent, pay utilities, buy groceries, put gas in my car. Little things really. So now I am in search of new employment. And every on campus-lead i had fell through. So it's looking like I"ll end up at a call center. Which i can't actually apply for till next week.

My voice teacher put me on vocal rest. Apparently i had laryngitis and didn't even know it. So we are trying to give my chords time to heal. OK GETTING YOUR VOCAL CHORDS CHECKED IS THE WEIRDEST THING EVER!!!!!! they have to send a scope down your nose. it's so weird. But thats the hazards of being a vocal major, your gonna have to get your chords checked eventually.

This year I also had the INCREDIBLE blessing of getting into Later-Day voices. the auditioned choir up at the institute. It has been the single greatest blessing this semester. Despite how much my life is falling apart around me, I am always better after LDV. I ave the strength to keep going just a little bit longer. I never understood how you could come to love people so quickly. But i truly love everyone in Latter Day voices. Yes there are the few that i am working on liking, sometimes you just meet people that bug you for now explainable reason. But i truly LOVE everyone, I would do anything for any of them. I think thats one thing about it that makes life okay again, just the overwhelming amount of love among this group of very special people. I am learning things about the gosple, people and myself that i never thought i could learn. I am so grateful to be blessed to be able to say for the rest of my life that I am a Latter-Day voice. Because once a latter-day voice, always a latter day voice.

And onto the last bit of drama, than I think you will be caught up on everything important. So there is this boy. I like him a lot. THis tends to happen among young adults. And i've liked guys before. But this kid is one of my best friends, and we've been best friends for closing in on a year. Around April, i realized i really liked him . (we;d been hanging out since February. I'm kind of slow sometimes) Well I couldn't decide if he liked me or not. He moved out of town for the summer, but we still saw each other several times over the four months. And we texted a LOT. He moves back to Logan and we see each other a lot see we actually have the same major and are in 6 classes together, including LDV. We ended up hanging out at least once every weekend. So a few weeks into September I finally decide that I have to know if this is ever going to go anywhere. And it scared me to death. You would be amazed at how long i can stay in limbo and just sit there pining and wondering. but I knew i would regret it this time if I didn't ask.

So we are hanging out one Friday night, and I had decided that I was going to ask him that night. We are making cinnamon rolls at my place, watching youtube videos chatting, laughing. Its getting late and he has to drive to Salt Lake the next morning, i offer him a ride home . WE get to his parking lot and I decided now or never. so Before he gets out I say "hey, i got a question for you real fast." he goes "Yeah." in my head i'm like, well...no turning back now. so i ask "Do you ever see potential between us as anything more than friends?" He pauses, i'm freaking out inside. i go "you don't have to answer right now if you don't want. Everybody else has asked, i figured i might as well" he laughs a little and says "Honestly, I've thought about it and I haven't decided." I say "thats fine, i was just wondering. Drive safe tomorrow." We laugh at something else, he gets out of the car adn shuts the door. I immediately feel like throwing up. That was the single hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I'm not very good at being vulnerable. I proceeded to feel like throwing up for the next day and a half.

and here we are, a month later. Still haven't gotten a real answer. But we are still good friends, nothing is or was awkward. I just every now and then sit and wonder why. Was it me or him he wasn't sure about? was it both? I've just tried to stop thinking about it, which is hard because i still really like him, and I just want to know whether to hold onto these feelings or let them go. Cause I am fine with a platonic brother/sister relationship. I just need to know.

SO that is the summary of Mandy's life the last little while. Now we are up to date and I can start having much more detailed blogs again, hopefully I'll have time to keep up. Because there are many adventures I've yet to record... so until then.

this crazy thing i call life.

So you may have noticed that it has been over a month since i have written anything. Almost 2 in fact. That is literally how crazy my life has been. How about we start with the begining and start a short series of catch up blogs, to much has happened in life to consider putting it all into one post. School has started again, and those last weeks of August and first weeks of school were indeed an adventure. The last week before school started my dear friend Amy GOT MARRIED!!!!!! I can't even tell you how happy I am for her. J.J. is a wonderful man and will take excellent care of her. So when going down the wedding Mike was also invited, so we carpooled, he was taking his girlfriend home to meet family, and I was helping him move a piano. While down there we went on a double date, Jordan was still living in Salt Lake, so we doubled. On this date we started at the "whisper dome" in Draper. COOLEST THING EVAR!!!! you stand on one side of the dome and whisper, the person on the other side can hear you. So then we decided we were going to break off into couples and take pictures, come back together and make captions for each others pictures. Sadly, my camera stopped working abut 2 pictures in. So me and Jordan decide that we are going to walk to the closest gas station and get a disposable camera...well the closest one ( a decent walk away) had no cameras. So we just used his phone. Then we went to Iceberg and got milshakes. (i would like to submit that mine and Jordans was much better than Mike and Sadies.) personal opinion. Then back at mikes place we played in the back yard and then we had to get going, (we still had to drive back to Logan and Mike was getting way tired.) So we get back to Logan. The next day, i meet up with old roommates and we go up to Bear Lake. My roommate megan's family has a time share there. It was SOOOO much fun. I also got majorly burned. i was a lobster. But totally worth the memories. Saturday was move in day for tons of people. Including Jordan, whom i also owed dinner. So i finally get to take all his stuff back to him (i was holding 13 boxes of his things this summer. yes...i counted) my car was unloaded in one trip. there were tons of people just ready to jump in and help as soon as i got there. And mostly it was just great fun. And i think thats good for now because my computer is acting up lately and it is getting really hot, likly threathening to shut down for no reason again. and I really don't want to re-type. SO till the next catch up...ta ta for now.

one of the best summers ever.

This summer has been an adventure to say the least. As previously stated in another post, I have been put on probation from the music program and my jury is in 2 weeks, so naturally I am beginning to get nervous. And then there were many small stress factors that were adding up on each other. There were about three weeks there that I was stressed out beyond belief.
So the reason i haven't blogged in awhile, I've been very upset. And i don't like writing sad blogs. I like to write my adventures and I like to write hopeful things and thoughtful things and happy things. I don't like being sad. But a few weeks ago i had a legitimately terrible weekend. See, I thought i had found a second job and it was going to pay more than i was making and it wasn't going to be fast food. Well, I ended up getting scammed and losing a lot of money. And the full story is much more complicate, but I am honestly so incredibly sick and tired of having to explain it. A lot of it boils down to me being stupid. And so that has added much stress to mandy's life.
As always during a trial, I was having a a down day. I was just not happy at church the Sunday after I learned I had been scammed. It kinda hit me again that morning. I had someone, in an attempt to cheer me, say "Well, at least it can't get worse."
I immediately said "Oh please don't say that. It could get so much worse."
I had another friend, the day I found out say "Mandy, you've just not had a good summer."
I was so taken back, I didn't know what he meant. I've had an AMAZING SUMMER! I've made so many memories, made so many friends, had so many adventures. I've just had some bad things happen. The three main ones being probation, my aunt getting diagnosed with breast cancer and getting scammed. (thats not an order of importance. merely the order in which these events happened.)
But there has been so many wonderful things happen this summer. Mike and Justin both have wonderful girlfriends. Jessica and Megan are both married! Amy gets married in a week. Kelsie is going to have a baby. :) I get to be aunt Mandy. I have amazing friends. I have a job. My car works. I have an apartment to live in. I have a bed to sleep on. I have bright yellow bed sheets that a dear friend gave me last summer. I hiked crimson trail. I've gone to this is the place park. I've gone to a bachlorette party. I saw Harry Potter at midnight. I have awesome landlords. I even got asked on a date this summer. I get to go to institute. I have the gosple. A girl in my ward made me dinner and gave me a petticure and manicure that sunday i was having a terrible day. I learned how to make zuchinni bread. (I still can't spell it though...) I have amazing parents who have helped me more than i could ever hope for. don't think I've even gotten lost this summer.
So basically i know its short. But i needed to write it down. I use to keep a happy thoughts notebook, while I was still teaching myself to see the small happy things everyday. But once i learned how to see them i didn't keep it up. I sometimes think I should start writing in it again. Maybe i would see even more.
Moral of the story, I have had some of the crappiest things of my life happen this summer. But they didn't seem all that bad. In fact, I'm pretty sure this has been one of the best summers of my life.

parking lots drawings.

I was in one of my ..."deep thought" moods. (i guess you'd call it) yesterday. This usually happens when i feel like writing and i know something is in there, ubt for the life of me i can't get it to come out. After spending sometime on Old Main hill with a notebook and pen, with really not much of anything coming out, i decided to walk home. (it was getting dark). Well Ryan just left for Chile [ :( ] and when he left he left me a box of sidewalk chalk. They are tearing out the sidewalk to our parking lot and so there were no cars in the parking lot. So i started drawing just things.

As i started drawing i realized things that i were drawing were the things that I love doing, but always want someone to do them with. Someone to share those simple moments with.
I want someone I can walk barefoot through the grass with. I hate wearing shoes, especially when there is soft grass to walk on. There is something so refreshing about the cool grass between your toes. Someone to lie down on that grass with and watch the shapes in the clouds or watch the stars with.
I want someone to swing on swings with. To go play at a park. Do you have any idea how much fun it is to just swing? I love swinging at chatting. I love going down slides and failing epically at the monkey bars. But it is absolutely no fun to do it alone.
I want someone i can watch the sunset with. or the sunrise. But my favorite times of day are right before the sun comes up, before the world is awake. and right after the sun goes down but its not dark yet. when color fills the sky. when the world is calmer. because its just waking up or settling down. to me its a very peaceful time.
there are more things than those, but i'm a very simple person. I like simplicity. I like sharing moments, and i think moments come simply. which is why a lot of people miss moments. I'm just excited for the day when i share my moments.

little things

It really is the little things that will make or brake you. Last night I went over to Michaels to change my brake pads on my car, since he knew what he was doing and me...not as much. its been awhile since i've changed brake pads. So we've taken off the pads and are trying to put the new ones on, but we can't seem to make them fit. we both spent a good amount of time looking at them trying to figure out what was wrong. ( the '98 protoge was not the smartest car ever designed.) so i'm looking at it and i realize there are these 2 things on the side that look like maybe they compress...i figured there wasn't anything to lose, so we give it a shot. Lo and behold, everything goes back together. and now my brakes don't make deathly sounds when i try to stop. I actually need to get one of my rhoders smoothed out. ( i let the pads wear way to far down.) although, the pads on one side were completely worn away while the pads on the other side still had plenty of pad left. who knows.
But isn't it always the little things that make a difference? for good or bad. a little over a week ago i was having a terrible day, and i mean i was just grumpy a lot of personal insecurities were starting to surface with my jury getting ever closer. And we went cliff jumping, which is actually a lot of fun. I just have a hard time jumping when i get to the edge of the cliff. Well i was taking awhile to jump and I just couldn't get myself to jump off, my friends were trying to get me to jump. and one of the tactics they used (and meaning to be funny with it) was saying things like "you can't do it." (they know that i have this issue where i like to spite people sometimes.) and i know what they were saying and what i was hearing were 2 very different things. how could they have known that i was struggling with feelings of " i can't do anything right." they couldn't have. so i kept it to myself. but it did bring up a lot of different things inside.
Later that night, i was alone and feeling sad. I just kept wishing that someone cared. (Which i know people do, but everyone needs reminders every now and then. because we are humans.) The next day I really didn't even care about appearing ok. i was to tired emotionally and physically to actually care if i seemed ok.
So i get up, I can't find my work hat. I thankfully had a shorter shift that day. i think i only worked 6 hours. So i go, thankfully the manager on shift didn't care that i could find my hat that morning. And while i was polite and just fine with customers, as soon as i didn't have to deal with customers i was done. I didn't care.
Then of course as I go on break, i get my schedule for the next week. and i only had 14 hours. so i go back to the crew room. eat something really fast. call mom to see if we are anywhere closer to having a plan for when they are coming out. and then hung up with about 15 minutes left on break. So i decide i need to get out of the store. So i hurry out the front door, passing Mike as I go who says hi, which i say hi back, but i wasn't in the mood to chat.
So I sit out in my car and just lie there listening to the rain falling on the car. Trying to calm down, knowing that i'm much more likely to get angry fast on a day like this, and the lunch rush was about to start. and it is impossible to go through a lunch rush without some customer being angry.
So I get off break, not really feeling any better. And get put on present, so i get to deal with handing the food out to people. Mike was on the the second side of grill. (the side that is much easier to come up front from) So we have a slow second and he comes up and asks "Mandy, are you ok?" I'm handing out an order so I just mumble, "I'm just having a rough day". and then he has to get back to grill because orders have popped up. he doesn't actually know how i actually did feel a little better after he came to me and asked if i was ok. (he doesn't exactly have a track record of asking me how I am.) a few minutes later, when we had a milisecond break, he came up, "are you not feeling well?" ( i had been sick a few days earlier) and I just said "i'm just having a bad day." I really didn't want to talk about it at work.
So I get off and come home. get ready for a voice lesson. walk up to campus, and of course during my lesson i put on the "everything in life is great" face. meanwhile everything was just another blow. I know my teacher is just trying to tell me what ot work on, and she did give me praise to for the things i've been improving on. But i still just kept hearing "not good enough" in the back of my head.
I get home, my roommate comes home, and out of relfex i put on the "life is okay" face. But a little later Mike came over, just to see if i was okay. (i can't actually remember a time he's ever done that) But i really didn't want to talk about it in front of my roommate either. So we go outside to chat. And i told him some of the surface things that were going on. (he doesn't realize there are a lot of depth problems that make the surface problems eat me) I mentioned some family things, I mentioned the "i can't do it" feeling. i mentioned how i hate my job, but i don't really want to quit until my little sister has a job secured, in case i try to get her a job there. after listening for awhile he tells me some things to help and then says "Mandy, you should look for a new job this week." "Mandy, you need to do something for you." (funny, i get that a lot actually) and i listened to some of his advice. But he had a date to get ready for, and I had institute soon. So we parted. but i felt a little better. someone cared. someone cared enough to ask if i was ok, and then actually listened to what i was saying.
So i go to institute, which helped. I love my teacher. I chatted with him for a few minutes after class. Then went home and ended up looking on the job board just to see what was available. and there it was...a personal assistant job. the kind of job i wanted. I figured worst that could happen is i don't get it right? So I go next door to see if Justin can help me make a resume. and so it began.
Friday i wake up, and i wasn't ok, but i was better. and that was enough to put on a face. Instead of a resume, i stalled for time by sending an e-mail for more information about the job.
Satruday, i closed counter at work. which made me incredibly grumpy because i hate closing counter. I get home and i pop by Mike and Justins, because me and Mike were going to carpool south the next week for Harry Potter, and we were trying to work out details. (i had to move a voice lesson around) before i get gone Ryan comes home. We end up chatting a little bit and I decide i need to start heading to bed. But Ryan asks me something and I just mention that i've had a really rough week. Ryan- "do you want to talk about it?" me- "your roommates are going to bed." he says " we can talk at your place if you want." So i decide i'll just give him the surface problems like i did mike and then i can go to bed. but Ryan wasn't in a rush, and neither was I. So we ended up getting to some of the depth issues. We end up on the couch, and he has an arm around me and is just listening to me. thats the first time in my life that has ever happened.
Towards the end of our conversation he says something that is little to everyone else. but meant a lot to me. he said "Mandy, you are a very special person. And someday you will have someone who knows that and treats you like the princess you are."
That was the first time in my life I've ever been compared to a princess.
after that, little things kept going right. Sunday I had a good friend come over for dinner. Not a big thing. but it made my night.
Monday I learned a new song that i can hand clap to. Not a big thing. but it made me happy. and i got a slurpee, and they had a cherry flavor. :)
Tuesday, i got an e-mail back about the personal assistant job.
Wednesday I went ciff jumping and Ryan took me out to dinner.
Thursday i got to see my family, my best friends and Harry Potter, plus i got a really cool wand.
Friday I came back up to Logan with Mike and we got lost a few times. which was great fun.
Saturday i got off work an hou early, went out to see my family at grandmas (my cousins were all up and my 3 great uncles)
Sunday we made smoothies. and i got the e-mail saying that I officially had the job as the personal assistant.
all little things.
little things made my life suck.
little things made me smile again.

brain throw-up

Yes, i am aware that it has been awhile since my last blog. I was going to blog about a month ago, but then I found out that I was put on probation by the vocal department. I didn't feel much like writing anything. And after that time just got away from me. Time is funny like that.
I wish I knew what to write right. Have you ever felt like there is something inside you that wants to get out? but you don't know what it is, and as soon as you pen hits the paper that feeling goes away.

maybe that one-act i wrote in high school really is going to be the only thing of consequence that i write.

My little sister is coming up to school in a month. weird. there is no way she is old enough to be doing that. She suppose to be like 14...when did she grow up?

same with my little brother. He can date now, which should just not happen.

my older sister graduated college and is living with her boyfriend. ( who apparently i should not be surprised if ends up my future brother-in-law)

I can't count how many friends i have that are married or engaged or almost engaged.

For how monotonous my life is, it keeps changing. Maybe thats my issue lately. I feel like everyone around me's life is changing and I'm stuck with my work at mcdonalds and nothing else really. maybe thats why i feel grumpy half the time.

I haven't been sleeping good either. I wish i could fall asleep at night. that'd be great; to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep.

i don't know. this is kinda all i got today.

A new season

Today marks the end of the first week of summer in Logan for Mandy. A summer that will consist of a minimum of 30 hour work weeks and chilling in her apartment between adventures. (ya know, until it get disgustingly hot and the apartment i'm "chilling" in has no air conditioning and therefore i will be baking in stead of chilling)
I think though its turning out to be a fun summer. This last week I got to see my parental units, which is always fun. And then i put a few blonde streaks in my hair. worked and worked and worked and worked. cooked. ate. played. And Saturday was the day that sucked. I had a nine hour work day right? (8-5 is by far my least favorite shift)but we were busy, like slammed busy for like 5 hours straight of that. Plus it got really hot in the store. I do not do well with heat. I get heat exhaustion very very very easily. (in fact i got it mildly yesterday) but after coming home, showering, eating with friends, watching movies and eating ice cream. Life was okay again.
Ok...here is my main thing about this summer...well...at least as of he last few days. EVERYONE around me is getting into relationships. (i know i say this all the time, but its really true this time.) I have 2 of my 3 roommates engaged. My old roommate got engaged just before school got out. My summer roommate from last summer is spending her summer in North Carolina with her boyfriend. The girl at work is going on another date again. My friends who are bascially my brothers are pursuing girls. and then there is me.
This is my predicament. old habits die hard.
someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again an expecting different results. Well, in the dating realm, obviously I've had no success. I can like a guy, be friends with him, a great friend, a best friend. But never a girldfriend. Never what they are looking for in girlfriends. and yet every time they seem to describe "dream girl" i fill most of the qualifications.
But thats not the point I'm trying to make. i can't control other peoples actions. I can't make choices for them. I can only control what I do and how I react and act about things.
The problem is, I don't know how to be different. Because i also don't want to be someone i'm not just to find someone. That is self defeating. I've met a few of the new guys around. And i have other guys that i'm already interested in. But how do i make them, or find out if they have interest in me?
People always say "guys, ask the girls out". and then they say "Girls, let them know you are interested" everytime i try that the boys start avoiding me. which is thoroughly annoying.
And now i am begining to ramble. and this is not coming out at all like i'm trying to get it to.
Long story short. It is a new summer, filled with new people and new adventures that are waiting for me to come discover. I'm hoping that I can find someone to share the adventures with. If not a romantic someone, just new friends to add to lifes adventures of fun and discovery. Its a new summer, and everything can change.
I have to be the one to step out of Mandy's habits and do things that terrify me. It's just another adventure. a terryfing one, but if i can face the fear. The rewards are far greater than the fear i had to face.