i wish i was a writer.

I really am trying to get back in the habit of blogging. Maybe it will help me sort out my life. Life is stressful. I realized the other day, i don't know if i want to be a teacher. Then today in my teaching literature class, i realized maybe i do. I can't seem to make up my mind. I hesitate to go forward with english because in all honesty...i hate literature. i hate studying it. I hate analyzing it. I don't enjoy classics very much. i don't like reading that much. Not nearly as much as I use to.

I feel like an English teacher should love reading...

but i love writing. even if i haven't done it for a long time.

all the things that we are learning in out teaching literature, i take examples from the teachers who taught me to write. who would have me write. I don't even really remember much of anything I read in english classes. But i remember what we wrote.

I remember the short stories we would get in creative writing.

I remember how many genre's we looked at.

everything i learned in english i learned from creative writing. (including grammar...ironic when you know the story

) but nobody hires a creative writing teacher. they just have the english teachers do creative writing, if there is a high enough demand.

but i loved writing.

it clicked.

i learned a lot about myself through writing.

writing is where i learned where i truly stand on things. i learned what my dreams really were. I can assess my feelings in my writing. The outcomes of my stories usually have to do with how i am subconsciously feeling.

I learn what kind of person i want to be. (usually, i model my main "good guys" off the kind of person i wish i was.

I write about the kind of relationships i have or wish i had.

I learned I will probably never writed a novel. not because of lack of ideas, but because i don't like dealing with the "he said, she said," and i tend to write in 3rd person. narrators make life easier.

I'm also not good enough with voice to write a lot of characters.

one-acts and short stories...right now thats where i stand. those i was good at.

i think i just want to teach kids how to believe in themselves. (which is ironic, considering how much work i need in that department)

I want kids to know how much that can accomplish.

I want them to know they have potential.

I want them to know that can handle whatever tasks the world throws at them

I want them to know it will be hard, but it can be done.

I want them to be better than I am.

Someone told me once i should just be the old Chinese wise man at the top of the mountain who gives you metaphors on life. is there a major for that?

I wish i could just be a life teacher. i think i'm good at helping people see how they could get better grades, i just don't know how to help them get it.

I think i could teach opinions, and how to have your own. and how to respect ones that differ from yours.

i think i could teach how to change a tire.

i think i could teach how to clean a bathroom.

i think i could teach how to have fun without a tv, and not cause trouble.

i think i could teach people how to be punctual.

i think i could teach people how to communicate.

i just like to teach whatever i can.

i had a teacher who said i have more street smarts than anyone he knows. (which is not true, ps.) but i was flattered. I know how to live life, i just don't know how to pass classes.

i guess thats what writers do, isn't it? they write about life. maybe thats why creative writing always seemed to resonate with me. I had a way of sharing my ideas. I had a way to be heard. I learned different ways to express, not just straight forward like this.

i wish i was a writer.